Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Designer Desperately Seeking Intelligence--Will Travel

Going Rogue, An American Life by Sarah Palin (HarperCollins 2009)
The Day the Universe Changed by James Burke (Little, Brown & Co. 1985)
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (Houghton Mifflin Co. 2008)
The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond (Harper Perennial 1992)
The Republican War on Science (Revised Edition) by Chris Mooney (Basic Books 2005)
Judgment Day—Intelligent Design on Trial (NOVA and The American Experience, WGBH Boston 2007)
Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District, opinion by Hon. Judge John E. Jones III, (District Court, Mid D. PA 2005)

In Ms. Palin’s book where she details her life as a Merry Rogue, at one point she opts to take a brief digression while describing her job "interview" for vice president. Mr. Steve Schmidt and Mr. Mark Salter, two of the McCain for President staffers, ask Ms. Palin about “theories of origins” (Ms. Palin’s expression). Ms. Palin describes her “position” (again, her word) as follows: “I believed in the evidence for microevolution—that geological and species change occurs incrementally over time. But I didn’t believe in the theory that human beings –-thinking, loving beings—originated from fish that sprouted legs and crawled out of the sea. Or that human beings began as single celled organisms that developed into monkeys who eventually swung down from the trees; I believed we came about through a random process, but were created by God. Finally, I believe that for every drop of rain, a flower grows.”

Ms. Jayne Mansfield, posing for a
photo illustrating the concept of
"microevolution" for the Intelligent
Design textbook, "Of Pandas and
People."
Okay--I made up that last part. But then, Ms. Palin states that the following exchange occurred:

“But your dad’s a science teacher,” [Steve] Schmidt objected.
“Yes” [by Ms. Palin].
“Then you know that science proves evolution.”
“Parts of evolution,” I [Palin] said. “But I believe that God created us and also that He can create an evolutionary process that allows species to change and adapt.”
Schmidt winced and raised his eyebrows . . .
I had just dared to mention the C-Word: creationism. But I felt I was on solid factual ground.” (Rogue, p. 217).

Reading that section, I have to say that like Mr. Schmidt, I also winced—and not just because I think of a whole different reference when people mention the “C-Word.”

Ms. Palin then goes on to describe how her family spent many a meal time, chatting about the planets, the periodic table, and the defining characteristics of various Alaskan fauna “between forkfuls (sic) of caribou lasagna.” She then suggests that in the “fossil proof of evolutionary patterns . . . one could actually view [the patterns] as evidence of a grand design[.]” She adds that “. . . [I]n eighteen years of impromptu supper-table lessons and expert-guided field trips to American national parks, never had Dad or anyone else convinced me that the earth had sprung forth conveniently stocked with the ingredients necessary to spontaneously generate life and its beautify and diversity; in fact, I thought the idea flew in the face of the evidence I saw all around.”

Ms. Irish McCalla. My pick for the
goddess of the faux leopard print.
She almost invariably looked better
than the faux leopard did.
In defending her version of “creationism,” Ms. Palin writes “I know the word ‘creationism’ evokes (sic) images of wild-eyed fundamentalists burying evidence of any kind of evolution under an avalanche of Bible verses. But I needed the campaign to know they weren’t going to put words in my mouth on this issue. I would go with them reasonably to a nuanced position, based on facts. But I wouldn’t parrot a politically correct line just because some voting bloc might get upset.” She concludes that if “William F. Buckley—a devout Catholic and a world class intellectual—could believe in the divine origin of man, why couldn’t I?” (Rogue, p 216-218).

Here’s why not. Speaking as a member of the voting bloc that would find Ms. Palin’s reasonably nuanced position upsetting, my concern has nothing to do with political correctness, and everything to do with scientific correctness.

So, What Does Ms. Palin “Believe” About Evolution?

Giving Ms. Palin the benefit of the doubt (i.e. that she is being sincere, and not simply pandering to morons professing divine inspiration), she doesn’t have a clue what she really believes. For Ms. Palin, the earth may very well have been created in six days, with “god” creating all manner of animals, vegetables, and minerals. However, Ms. Palin is also aware that some things that may have been present at "the creation” are not here now (like triceratops) and some things that are here now were not present at the creation (like goldfish, roses, and plutonium). Therefore, “some changes” (unspecified) are possible (the so-called “microevolution” of the creationist/Intelligent Design community) but change to the extent different animals became new species (“macroevolution”) is not possible.

Unfortunately, as to where the line should be drawn between “micro” and “macro” evolutions, Ms. Palin has no idea. But regardless of wherever that line may be, the whole process of “evolution” (to the Sarah Palins of the world) is directed by a conscious intelligence, who created this “grand design.”

Ms. Palin is not alone in both her scientific confusion and misunderstanding of natural selection. A poll taken by the Pew Research Center in 2005 found that 42% of Americans believed that human beings were “created” by “god” in basically their present form, as opposed to evolving over time. That same year, the Gallop Poll found 45% of Americans held that view.

Ms. Bettie Page. Popular opinion may
have her queen of the ugly leopard
outfit--but my heart still belongs to
Irish McCalla.
“You Can’t Prove There Was No Creation by God—You Have to Take It On Faith”

In a word: no. god (sic) did not create Adam and Steve and Eve and Adele (I almost went with Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.) How do I know this? Because, as Mr. James Burke points out in his wonderfully entertaining book The Day the Universe Changed, people in the eighteenth century faced the very real possibility that God had made a mistake. From that question about God's mistakes, arose the field of evolutionary biology. The following is a summary of Mr. Burke’s history of the Marvel Comics-styled Awesome Origin of natural selection.

In 1687, Isaac Newton published Principia Mathematica, explaining how the universe worked. It wasn’t the hand of God pushing the oceans that caused tides (for example), tides were caused by the gravitational pull of the moon. So, having discovered a grand design accounting for planetary motion, etc etc, it was logical to do the same with flora and fauna. Which is why in 1752, Carl von Linne, a Swedish naturalist writing under the name of Linnaeus, published the Philosophia Botanica, where he catalogued all plants according to class, genus, and species. For Linnaeus, the universe was static and unchanging: there were an exact number of plants and animals, and that number was a constant: there were neither too many, nor too few species. Why? Because it was self-evident: the number of species was part of the Grand Design (by now a proper name). The Grand Design was perfect, because God the creator was perfect. For there to be a “mistake” in the Grand Design, that meant to eighteenth century intellectuals that God would be capable of error—and that (by definition) could not be true.

At that time, the growth of the industrial revolution created an increased demand for metals. In an effort to satisfy this demand, specialists in both mining and analysis of the various forms of geological strata stepped forward. Following this new attention to geology, there was also the discovery of a variety of fossilized plants and animals in different levels of strata. It become apparent that some of the fossils present in the higher (and presumably younger) strata were not present in the older, deeper layers of strata. Then, in March 1793, a canal builder named William Smith noticed that the layers of strata were often in continuous, integral layers. While cutting one canal, Mr. Smith was able to identify three distinct layers of strata, by recognizing the different fossils in each layer.

Ms. Ava Gardner. You know when she
didn't look good in an outfit, that was
one butt ugly outfit.
In 1814, Smith published his findings about fossils in a book entitled Strata Identified by Organised Fossils. Without asking the question himself, Smith’s book set off a firestorm of controversy. If there were fossilized plants and animals that no longer existed, then did God change God’s mind about creating those organisms? Were those now extinct organisms God’s “mistakes”? And what did that mean if God made mistakes?

A French biologist named Georges Cuvier offered a partial solution. Mr. Cuvier had developed a technique where he could reconstruct the shape of an entire animal, just using only a small number of bones. Cuvier’s method was that immortalized in the song “The toe bone’s connected to the foot bone. The foot bone’s connected to the ankle bone. The ankle bone’s connected to the…” you get what I mean. Cuvier called this process “comparative anatomy.”

Cuvier went on to describe how some parts of animals are so basic, that those parts were common to all animals. However, each species’ environment demanded that those common characteristics adapt and become specialized. Cuvier then identified four branches of animals: vertebrates, mollusks, jointed, and radiates. While Cuvier still believed each animal species would remain fixed within its branch, he did suggest that there was the possibility of individual species developing and changing. Following Cuvier’s conclusions, the principle of simultaneous creation became suspect.

Lots of other really fascinating stuff happened, so if you care, you owe it to yourself to read Mr. Burke’s book. The whole book is a blast and a half—as are all his other books.

The Biblical view of creation took its hardest blow at the hands of Charles Lyell, a friend and intellectual forerunner to Charles Darwin. Lyell was a talented botanist and a creative geologist—but a horrible barrister. Lucky for him though, that didn’t matter: Lyell’s family was rich. Forgetting about law, Lyell traveled to Italy to study limestone strata containing marine fossils. Lyell was able to identify a particular layer of strata that was comparatively more recent, because it contained fossilized marine life that were identical to present day forms. "Older" strata were layers that contained extinct forms of animal life; that is, the fossilized animals no longer existed.

Lyell was shocked to find a particular layer of limestone strata that contained only present forms of marine life (and none that were extinct) continued underneath a mountain named Etna. While digging at the base of Etna, Lyell discovered that mountain had been built up over time, from literally thousands of separate and distinct lava flows. Etna (at that time) was 10,000 feet high and ninety miles wide, so forming that mountain (given the rate of individual lava flows) had to have taken millions of years. Therefore, if a strata containing only contemporary fossils passed under a mountain (a mountain that had to take millions of year to form), then the current population of marine species must have existed for millions of years—meaning the strata with extinct species had to much older than even that. Lyell (and lots of other folks) concluded that the Christian Bible’s account of a 6,000 year old earth was untenable.

Ms. Jayne Mansfield. She will always
be one of my favorite thinking, loving
beings--despite all the mean things
tree swinging monkeys have to say
about her.
By 1830, Lyell gave up his law practice, brutally disappointing his mother (okay—I made that up). But he did start writing what would become a three volume work, Principles of Geology. At the conclusion of the third volume, Lyell suggested a way to “measure” the age of the earth. Beginning with the premise that uniform actions through time implied a uniform rate of change, Lyell proposed that the “age” of the earth could be calculated by the ratio of fossils of extinct species to the number of fossils of species that still existed. To “calibrate” his geological clock, Lyell uses mollusks to determine his ratio of extinct to surviving species of clams, and showed that the earth was really, really old (I hope that jargon wasn’t too technical for you. Read Burke’s book. He’s way smarter and a much better writer than I am anyway).

Lyell’s work introduced two other radical ideas. First, the fact that some species continued to survive while others disappeared suggested that the species that died out were not able to survive because of changes in their environment. For the species that did survive, they survived because they were able to adapt to whatever environmental changes that occured. Second, just as the evolution and change in geological formations could be explained as a response to a changing environment, so too could the changes in animals and plants be attributed to the species' responses to a changing environment. In other words, Lyell had suggested a rational, materialist explanation could account for how the world came into being. As with Newton’s explanation of how the tides were not created by the hand of god, Lyell tried to explain how the growth and destruction of species were not unfathomable mysteries, attributable only to unknowable supernatural forces.

Ms. Leslie Parrish. Her nice smile
carried not only many ugly outfits (for
example), but also several really
awful films.
Then, in 1831, another guy (luckily from a rich family, just like Lyell) signed up as the unpaid “naturalist” aboard the HMS Beagle. In 1844, that naturalist’s thirty-five pages of notes from the voyage became The Origin of Species—and the rest is history, as they say in the funny papers.

Both Burke’s The Day the Universe Changed andConnections give a wonderful and detailed history of the impact of Darwin’s work, both in Darwin’s time and today. The point I want to make, though, all the very same exact objections raised by Ms. Palin (complete with face flying evidence) about evolutionary biology were raised, debated, and discarded before the end of the nineteenth century. So, you may ask, why hasn’t any of this history and scientific research convinced Ms. Palin of the error of her ways? Because—in a word—Sarah Palin is the worst kind of idiot: she’s remains convinced in the truth of her incorrect position, only because she is too lazy to actually crack a book and learn something. But to be fair, throughout Going Rogue, Ms. Palin shows that her modus operandi regarding evolutionary biology is not limited to that area. She’s proud to be a fool in a wide variety of disciplines.

But What About All Those Mean Things Shouted from the Peanut Gallery?

FOR EXAMPLE:

Good story. Only what you said proves nothing, except there IS such a thing as microevolution. And I was lying about the “good story” part.

First, read The Day the Universe Changed. I’m giving a very crude summary, leaving out many key contributions, such as Thomas Robert Malthus’s Essay on the Principle of Population. If you need a bigger picture, James Burke will provide it. Next, another biologist and contemporary of Darwin named Alfred Russel Wallace, after working in the Malayan archipelago, independently reached the same conclusions that Darwin did. So even if Darwin had listened to his mom (and not snuck off on that fun cruise), evolutionary biology still would have been “discovered” at that same time. The intellectual development in Western Europe dictated that SOMEONE (if not Charles Darwin) was going to “discover” both "micro" and "macro" evolution at that time, so all the same arguments against evolution would have been raised and discarded, regardless if the "discoverer" was Charles Darwin, Alfred Russel Wallace, or some other disappointment to a set of rich parents.

But the point remains: because of the work Smith, Cuvier, Lyell, Darwin (and dozens of others I did not mention), there is a rational, materialist explanation for how we got here from there--as opposed to the supernatural explanation: “god did it, and it was a miracle!” Therefore, anyone who isn’t convinced about evolution, that person is unconvinced only because they are too lazy to look at the science.

Ms. Mamie Van Doren. See what
happens when you go right from
fish to human, without stopping
at monkey?
There is still no proof of macroevolution, because there are no fossils of animals that are transitions between species.

Actually, every fossil and every animal is a “transition” from one species to the next. Evolution does not happen by a snake laying an egg one day, and the next day, from that egg out jumps Daffy Duck. Snakes and dinosaurs became birds over innumerable small adaptations, from generation to generation.

Here is a crude example I read at Roger Ebert’s web site. Imagine that we are flipping a coin, with each flip a new generation of a species. If the coin comes up heads, that is an adaption that will give that generation an advantage. If the coin comes up tails, there is either no change (or the adaptation is a disadvantage). Next, let’s say that for a species to “change” and cross the line from “microevolution” to “macroevolution,” there needs to be a hundred (or a thousand or a million or a trillion—pick the number as big as you want) coin flips that come up heads. Can there only be macroevolution if there is a million “heads” in a row, and no tails? Of course not. Because while all the “tails” generations will die out (they are the genetic losers), each one of the “heads” generations will continue to out-reproduce the “tails,” until a hundred “heads” (or a thousand, million, gogol-gazillion) have been flipped. The number doesn’t matter, because the time it takes to go from a fish to a fish with legs to a tree swinging monkey to a thinking, loving being to an obnoxious, egotistical jerk (I’m the acme of evolution, if you haven’t guessed)—that’s the time it takes.

After all, what really is the difference between “microevolution” and “macroevolution”? If you are going to allow for adaption and change within the “branches” (as Cuvier did), then the only difference between the “micro” changes and the “macro” changes is that the macro changes take longer.

But you have no proof of macroevolution. Show me your proof!

Let’s go back to what Lyell speculated about, and Darwin saw: islands (like the Galapagos and Falklands) contained organisms that are related to—but nevertheless distinct from-- plants and animals on the nearby mainland. The island animals adapted and evolved in response to different environmental conditions than their mainland cousins faced. Whether you call that “micro” or “macro” evolution, the point remains: the only difference between the two is time and succeeding generations’ response to different environments.

But here’s another proof that Darwin did not know about: closely related species have more DNA in common with one another than more distant relatives. How close and how much DNA? In The Third Chimpanzee, Jared Diamond points out that human beings (homo sapiens) are a species of big mammal (if you don’t accept that, look up “mammal” in Wikipedia). However, there is a big stinking difference between homo sapiens and the rest of the animal kingdom. What is it that creates that difference?

Ms. Elaine Stewart. You can tell she's
trying as hard as she can, but a body
can only do so much to carry an
outfit.
Diamond suggests a reason for those differences, by pointing out if an Outer Space zoologist decided to categorize mammals on earth, that zoologist would list “humans” as a third species of chimpanzee—along with the pygmy chip in Democratic Republic of Congo and the common chip in the rest of Africa. Why? Because homo sapiens share 98% of our genetic program with the other two chimps. We are closer to the other two chimps than such closely related bird species as the red-eyed and white-eyed vireos.

Diamond then points to taxonomy (DNA) studies showing that common chips and pygmy chips are more closely related to homo sapiens than those chimps are related to gorillas. And those chimps' relation to “tree swinging monkeys” are even farther away than their relation to gorillas. My point is, from a genetic perspective, the line between our propensity as “thinking, loving beings” and monkey “tree swinging” is much finer than Ms. Palin appears willing to admit.

Later in Third Chimpanzee, Diamond explains that roughly six million years ago, a generic “upright hominid” split off from the rest of the “apes” family. Following that split, there were a few intermediate stages in our development as a species, with two branches of “humans” not surviving: Australopithecus robustus and what Diamond refers to as a “third man.” Identifiable homo sapiens began to appear roughly 500,000 years ago. Two hundred thousand years ago, identifiable Neanderthals appeared—and then died out approximately 40,000 years ago.

Here’s something unusual about Neanderthals. They lived in western Europe, though southern Russia and the Near East, extending through Uzbekistan to its border with Afghanistan. If you dig up different camp sites/residences of Neanderthal communities, there are no cultural variations between the different sites: the tools and shelters built by the communities in France are virtually identical with the communities in Russia. Neanderthal tools from 100,000 years ago and 40,000 years ago look essentially the same: after 60,000 years, nothing in Neanderthal life changed or improved. So, what was it about our ancestors (the non-Neanderthals) that gave us the ability to become the thinking, loving beings we are today (well, some of us), while Neanderthals stayed not all that different from their cousins, the tree swinging monkeys? Here’s what: some roll of the genetic dice that we (okay me) don’t understand.

But the fact remains there are many who do understand, and the evidence is there for Ms. Palin so she too can understand—if she’s interested.

In the immortal almost words of Jerry Maguire: Show me the monkey! You can’t, can you?

Well, not me personally. But since On the Origin of Species and The Descent of Manwere published, fossilized bones of hundreds of creatures that were various intermediate “steps” between the tree swingers of yesteryear and today’s thinking lovers have been discovered. In 1974, Lucy Van Pelt—I’m kidding, Lucy (Australopithecus) was discovered: approximately 40% of the skeleton from a hominid who lived 3.2 million years ago. In 1984, Turkana boy was discovered: a nearly complete skeleton of an eight to twelve year old hominid boy who lived 1.5 million years ago.
Not Lucy (Australopithecus).
For kicks, go look up List of Human Evolution Fossils in Wikipedia. There’s lots of bones of hominids who stopped being tree swinging monkeys but weren’t yet thinking loving beings.

But what about Piltdown Man? I notice you jerks never mention THAT one!

I talk about Piltdown Man all the time, because it’s a hilarious story. So does James Burke (Universe Changed, p. 322-323). For those of you too lazy to even click on the hyper link (and don’t think I don’t know who you are. Okay, I don’t know you personally, but I know your type), Piltdown Man was a notorious hoax perpetrated by an amateur paleontologist named Charles Dawson. In 1912, Mr. Dawson presented parts of two skulls, that Dawson insisted were “evidence” of prehistoric man, and confirmed Darwin’s theories. Nearly FORTY years later, fluorine tests discovered Dawson’s skulls were (at best) medieval in origin. The skulls had been stained with iron to give the appearance of age, and the teeth PAINTED brown.

I’m too lazy to summarize how Burke explains how the creation and continued belief for something as silly as Piltdown Man fits within Burke’s theory (essentially, when belief in a theory is strong enough, “evidence” will be found to support that theory, whether there is evidence or not), so you’ll have to read the book. Burke also gives several wonderful, terrible—yet ultimately hilarious—examples of scientific whoopsies, like the N-ray.

But the fact that one hoax lasted until the late 1940s, in and of itself, does nothing to negate the existence of all the other positive (i.e. non-fraudulent) evidence.

But none of this changes the fact you believe in “evolution” like Ms. Palin believes in God.

No, dear.

When I finish reading all the books, I will write a quick and dirty analysis (okay. I’m lying on the “quick” part, but it will be DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY!) of Karen Armstrong’sThe Case for God, Christopher Hedges’s god Is Not Great, and The God Delusion, by my favorite evolutionary biologist and troublemaker, Richard Dawkins.

Until then, in the preface to the paperback edition of The God Delusion, Mr. Dawkins quotes geneticist and evolutionary biologist J.B.S. Haldane. Haldane was asked what kind of evidence would he (Haldane) have to see that would change Haldane’s belief in evolution. “Fossil rabbits in the Precambrian,” Haldane said.

Ms. Bettie Page. I can't tell you what
it is about her, but those stupid bangs
and clear eyes--there has never been
a lewd or untoward picture of her,
ever. I am ready to go to the wall
on that one.
So, not to tip off my hand or anything, there are no fossil rabbits in Precambrian strata. In other words, there were no rabbits some time after life began on earth—but there are rabbits now. How did the earth go from no rabbits to rabbits? Because God said "Let there be rabbits!" I'm kidding--it was the forces of natural selection and random probability: rabbits became rabbits over time, in response to environmental conditions. No faith in supernatural forces required.

How is everything you just said different from Ms. Palin’s assertion that she “believes we came about through a random process, but were created by God”?

Ms. Palin (again, giving her the benefit of the doubt) appears to be trying to have it both ways: There IS a random process of evolution, BUT the hand of God hovers over all. And what’s wrong with that? Here’s what: if there is a rational, non-supernatural explanation for a phenomena, what is the point of adding a superfluous magical component? That’s like teaching a physics class about the moon’s orbit, and how gravitational pull from the moon causes tides on earth—also, the hand of the Flying Spaghetti Monster helps push the water around.

Or how about if in a chemistry class, the teacher explains how the ionic bonds that hold sodium together with chlorine are broken apart in water, so when salt “dissolves” in water, the water has individual sodium and chlorine ions floating freely. Plus the Cowboy Buddha sends legions of angels armed with nutcrackers to help break up the more stubborn bonds.

Superimposing a magical, spiritual component does not explain or help predict anything. Which is why Chris Mooney quotes an evolutionary biologist who dismisses Intelligent Design as “an unknown intelligent designer did something, somewhere, somehow for no apparent reason. That is not a model.”

But what about the “holes” in evolutionary theory? What’s wrong with teaching kids about the holes, and letting them make up their own mind?

First, the purpose of “school” is not to teach students different options, and then let the students make up their own minds. Have you ever taken a class that operated that way? I have, and it sucks butt.

Not all arguments are equally valid and merit equal attention. That’s why we have teachers and historians, to tell us what is important. Personally, I’m not going to take the time to wade through tens of thousands of pages of documents, just to make up my own mind if Franklin Roosevelt was a better president than Warren Harding (that’s what grad students are for). No, the role of schools—especially in the sciences—is to teach “science;” in other words, give us the answers.

Finally, even if you believe there are “holes” in evolutionary biology, I can’t imagine how introducing a supernatural component is supposed to be an improvement. Neither, I am reasonably sure, can Mr. Sidney Harris:

But that’s not what they say in "Big Daddy?"

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m flattered and appreciate the attention and all—but if your education on evolutionary biology comes from Chick Publications, why are you reading Samsara Samizdat?

If William F. Buckley—a devout Catholic and a world class intellectual—could believe in the divine origin of man, why can’t Sarah Palin?

There are actually three different points to this question.

First, regarding the fact that Ms. Palin chooses to DON’T STOP BELIEVING, that’s between her and her gods. As a self-identified Marxist-Buddhist-political dissident-economics-legal-peacenik-feminist-internationalist-environmentalist-secular humanist-social gospel kind of guy who is also dedicated to the principle thatmanuscripts do not burn (рукописи не горят, baby!), I am in a poor position to tell ANYONE what they should or should not be believing in. Nevertheless, as noted boxing aficionado Oliver “Ollie” Wendell Holmes says “Your right to swing your arms ends at the tip of my nose” (Holmes was calling the play by play in that immortal fight, “Kid” Chapinsky vs. “The People” New Hampshire). In other words, take your VISA, but leave your beliefs at home. Or, if you have the money and time to kill, go ahead and bore the crap out of all who know you by leaving long notes on your Facebook page (cough cough). But keep your supernatural beliefs out of the public square.

Second, did Bill “The Devouter” Buckley not believe in evolution, preferring the literal truth of a six day creation complete with talking snake? Frankly, I don’t know. But I do know someone who did not.

If you watch Mr. Bill Mahr’s film Religuous, of the many stand out characters, George V. Coyne S.J. is someone whose charm and intelligence will catch your attention. Father Coyne is a Jesuit priest and astronomer, and at the time of the filming, was the director of the Vatican Observatory. When the conservation turns to “fundamentalism,” or the belief that the words in the Christian Bible are the literal, historical truth (including the one about the talking snake), Father Coyne points out that Pope John Paul II had said that the theory of Darwinian evolution was beyond dispute. In other words, if the Pope rejects the argument that Ms. Palin is putting into Mr. Buckley’s mouth, then Mr. Buckley can’t be THAT devout of a Catholic—because as they say where I come from: You can’t be more Catholic than the Pope.

Ms. Mara Corday. Some faux leopard
can be smashing (sort of) . . .
Finally, as to Mr. Buckley’s street cred as a “world class intellectual,” just like most people who live long lives saying and writing lots of stuff, I would argue that more than a fair amount of what Mr. Buckley asserted (looking back from the perspective of someone in the 21st century) puts Mr. Buckley firmly in the category of “asshole.” See above, point one re “belief,” but it is my personal opinion and belief that a strong case can be made that of all the assholes in the world, William F. Buckley was an asshole’s asshole of an asshole, standing head and asshole above his contemporary assholes, in the field of being a real asshole. I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain. HA HA HA! But we digress.

But what about where Ms. Palin writes about her idyllic school days (oh, those golden rule days!) when “. . . [a]t least sixty of us met in public classrooms for Bible study and inspirational exchanges that motivated us to focus on hard work and excellence. In those days, ALCU activists had not yet convinced young people that they were supposed to feel offended by other people’s free exercise of religion”?

Or as they say where I come from: let’s play Poke the Bear!

If anyone thinks I am making that up, the quote is on page 28. After reading it, I had to wait three days or so before continuing, because the risk of brain aneurysm was too great.

This might be a good time for you skip the rest of this note (and go back to looking at the pictures), because I am about to go off on a rant about the first amendment.

. . . While other leopard just cannot
be made to look good, regardless.
Ms. Martha Hyer, here taking one for
the team.
In the Bill of Rights to the US Constitution (which are the first ten amendments), one of my favorites is the first amendment, because it presents a very broad check on state power. One of those checks involves a proverbial one-two regarding religion. First, the federal government (and now State and local governments as well, via the fourteenth amendment) “shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” If you want to sound hip (and don’t care about scoring with babes), you call that the “establishment clause.” The “two” comes in the form of the very next clause: “. . . or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” (the “free exercise clause” for the hip and celebate).

After 217 odd years of jurisprudence, those two clauses have come to mean the following: do what you feel (free exercise clause), but don’t expect public funds or a state endorsement in what you do (establishment clause). And damn it—Sarah Palin knows this. She is just being a jerk here.

Here’s how the rules espoused by these two clauses work. Let’s say I found the First Church of Bert Russell is GOD, and spend much of my days reading Why I am Not a Christian and “praying” to Old Man Bertrand. I do this in the privacy of my own home, at shopping malls, in government owned office buildings—even on the property and in the classrooms of the local community college I attend. It’s all good (and not just because nobody cares), because the state is not prohibiting the exercising freely of my religion. More to the point, have I OFFENDED anyone at the American Civil Liberties Union (ALCU)? No.

Now, let’s say I just got done watching The Blues Brothers, and have decided that I’m on a mission from Bertrand. For me to able to go forward and teach all nations, unbaptising them in the name of---you know what I mean, I demand the following: Government money to build and maintain a shrine to Bert on public land, and all my leftwing America hating commie pinko fellow traveling friends employed by the public schools must now spend some class time talking about why Bertrand Russell is God. NOW have I offended anyone at the ACLU and the Americans United for the Separation of Church and State? Big Time (as Dick Cheney once said). For me to get any of those things would mean an “establishment” of my religion.
Ms. Eartha Kitt. Back in the day, all my friends idolized Billie Holliday, but I preferred Eartha Kitt--and was roundly mocked for it. I still like Ms. Kitt (and am still mocked).

Here’s the point: manger scenes complete with Baby Jesus are just ducky--as long as they are on private property and maintained by private funds. But they are NOT okay when the displays are on public property, using public funds, or have the endorsement or approval of a state actor, acting in that person's official capacity—especially in the schools. The fact I am prohibiting Sarah Palin from using MY resources to promote HER religion in no way interferes with her free exercise. Again, Ms. Palin knows this, but here she is pimping on that part of her readership who don’t know.

But what about Allegheny County v. ACLU, 492 US 573 (1989) and Lynch v. Donnelly, 465 US 668 (1984)?

Shut up.

Still, don’t you have to admit (in the immortal words of the Forty-Third President of ‘Merika) that the jury is still out on evolutionary biology?

No. Not only is the jury not out, but summary judgment has already been granted [Note: Trust me on this one: that’s a hilarious joke in legal circles. A real knee-slapper]. If you are even remotely interested in this stuff, one of the best episodes of WGBH Boston’s American Experience is Monkey Trial, on the 1925 trial of Mr. John Scopes for (apparently) teaching evolutionary biology. The web site also has atranscript of the show. It’s fascinating.

Ms. Barbara Eden. I'm not saying you
need to be a genie to make leopard
print look good on you--but it
certainly can't hurt.
Since the Scopes Trial, the US Supreme Court held in 1968 that bans on teaching evolutionary biology violate the establishment clause of the US Constitution (Get it? Get it? Establishment Clause? I thew that in just to see if you were paying attention), in the case of Epperson v. Arkansas, 393 US 97 (1968). Later, the Supreme Court in Edwards v. Aguillard, 482 US 578 (1987) held that teaching “creation science” was unconstitutional. What to do? What to do?

Taking a step back, some folks tried arguing that some parts of biology are TOO COMPLICATED to have naturally evolved. Examples include the autoimmune system and the function of some single celled organisms, such as the flagellum of E. coli. That argument would be impressive—but for the fact it’s the SAME ARGUMENT that the Reverend William Paley raised and Darwin answered in the second edition of On the Origin of Species. Paley had insisted the function of the eye, with it's ability to change focus without conscious effort by the observer, meant that the eye was "too complex" to have evolved, so (minimally) the eyeball must have been created by a divine power. James Burke’s The Day the Universe Changed includes a section of how the same objections now raised by the Intelligent Design movement were raised—and put to rest—in Darwin’s time.

But never say never. In 2004, a flock of goons (using a value neutral, non-judgmental expression) on a local school board in Pennsylvania adopted the following resolution by a 6-3 vote: “Students will be made aware of gaps/problems in Darwin’s theory and of other theories of evolution including, but not limited to, intelligent design. Note: Origins of Life is not taught.” Before you could yell “Screw MTV—I want my Thomas Jefferson!”, everyone was in court before the Honorable John E. “Johnny Angel” Jones III, of the federal district court.

Where I come from, it’s a tried and true cliché that hard cases make bad law. But Judge Jones, perhaps heeding the call of Bob Marley to Get up, stand up for your right. Get up, stand up, don’t give up the fight (or perhaps not), cut through the crap and delivered a phenomenal opinion in Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District. If you are at all wondering just how “Intelligent Design” is not a science, and is instead a “supernatural” belief, read Judge Jones’s opinion. If you’re not a hopeless law nerd with no friends or even hope of having any, you might find the beginning sections describing the Parties (and the procedural background) tough sledding. Skip them, and jump right to section E.
Ms. Cleo Moore. Okay, so she's not WEARING the leopard skin per se, but there is one in the photo. I can't be sure, but I think this is a still from a film about the hazards of choosing the wrong bed & breakfast.

For me, reading that opinion is like watching a great Arnold film—only with more action. But if you are a normal person, NOVA and American Experience teamed up to present Judgment Day—Intelligent Design on Trial (NOVA and American Experience, WGBH Boston 2008), a tremendous documentary on the controversy and trial. I especially loved the scenes where WGBH recreates the trial, and then breaks to get opinions from the actual people involved.

By the way, here’s a tip kids: do not lie to federal judges. They don’t like it. If you are still not sure why lying is “bad,” watch Judgment Day.

The point is, though, that from the perspective of the science community--and now in the legal community—the jury is not “out” on evolutionary biology.

Disproving the Existance of an Intelligent Designer. A Fun Dice Game You Can Play at Home!

A few months ago, I was wasting time quibbling with some idiot about Intelligent Design. Somehow, the concept of dice came up, and this Idiot insisted that the simple existence of dice “proved” Intelligent Design, because some intelligence had to design the dice. I immediately stopped talking to that person (because in that direction madness lay), and began to wonder how to structure an experiment to test for “Intelligent Design.” This is what I came up with.

Begin with a pair of dice. After rolling them bones, the dice total would be a number between two and twelve. If the outcome of my dice rolling was dictated purely on the basis of random probability—meaning there was no intervention by an “designer" (intelligent or otherwise)—I would expect the following results:

For a total of 2, the odds are 1 in 36
For a total of 3, the odds are 2 in 36
For a total of 4, the odds are 3 in 36
For a total of 5, the odds are 4 in 36
For a total of 6, the odds are 5 in 36
For a total of 7, the odds are 6 in 36
For a total of 8, the odds are 5 in 36
For a total of 9, the odds are 4 in 36
For a total of 10, the odds are 3 in 36
For a total of 11, the odds are 2 in 36
For a total of 12, the odds are 1 in 36

Ms. Chili Williams. Instead of all that
dice rolling, Ms. Williams's outfit alone
demonstrates no intelligence in this
design.
Now, say I threw about 5,000 rolls, and discovered that instead of rolling a total between seven and twelve roughly 21 out of every 36 rolls, I was hitting a seven or higher about 27 times out of every 36 rolls. Perhaps some Intelligent Designer is putting their supernatural thumb on the scale, and effecting my dice shooting? But no, that is not the case. Having watched a lot of westerns back in the day, I smash the dice with a hammer--and discover some scallywag has “loaded” the dice by embedding lead shot inside each die close to the number one face of each die. The number one side of each die is heavier than any of the other five sides (because of placement of the shot), so the number one side lands face down on the table a disproportional number of times—meaning that I will be rolling more sixes than would be dictated by pure chance. AH HA! I cry. There is an outside force effecting the outcome—but it’s not supernatural (or “god”): it’s the cheating scumbag who sold me bad dice.

So, I correct for the loaded dice (I get new dice and shoot the varmint who did the loading—see above re watching too many westerns), and try again with new dice.

After another 5000 rolls, my score is now averaging a roll between two and six about 20 out of every 36 rolls. That’s also a sign of something wrong, because probability dictates I should hit those numbers only 15 (as opposed to 20) out of every 36 rolls. So, I x-ray the dice. They are clean (no loading). But with a fine tuned laser measuring thingy (I have no idea how the thingy works, it just does), I discover that each die has been milled at a slightly awkward angle, so that the size of the number one face is a slightly smaller surface area than the number six. As a result, each die will roll more when the number one side is face down (as opposed to how the die will roll if I am using a set of dice milled evenly on all six sides), and the dice will not land with the number one side down (facing the table) as often as expected. The poorly manufactured dice, and not a supernatural force, is the reason my dice rolling varied from what would be expected by chance.

So, I throw those dice away, stop being such a cheap-o, and buy good dice.

Ms. Carole Landis. I KNOW this isn't a
LEOPARD skin--but come on!
By now, you get the idea: when my dice throwing outcome is different that what would be dictated by randomness, I could say “It’s the hand of an Intelligent Designer, intervening with the Designer’s will to alter the outcome!” Or, I could find some rational (ie non-supernatural) explanation: the dice are loaded, or the dice are machined incorrectly. Or I have such an all-powerful intellect, my brain can exert a telekinetic effect on the dice, making sixes come up more often (which is why I always win at Risk, by the way). Regardless, every time there is some variation from the anticipated statistical outcome, I find some rational, materialist explanation that causes the variation.

So, if my dice rolling follows the outcome anticipated by random probability, then there is either no otherwise unexplained supernatural force (ie an Intelligent Designer or creator's will) at work—or if there is such supernatural force, then that force is remaining silent. With the latter possibility, I would argue a perpetually silent force is a non-existent force. So, for my dice rolling to show the presence of Intelligent Design, there must be some variation from what is expected by randomness, and that variation cannot be otherwise accounted for.

Now, if there is going to be a force at work, altering the results of my dice rolling, that force can make itself known in one of two ways. First, there could be a consistent, predictable outcome that could not be explained by any other source. I would argue that a consistent, predictable, and yet unexplainable outcome does not happen. The physics of our existence cannot be random: objects fall at a rate of 32 feet per second per second (absent air resistance and any otherwise immeasurable variations in gravity). The effects of air resistance can be taken into account. However, no matter how hard I tried, I have been wholly unable to convince any physics instructor on the principle of variable gravity (I insisted that I should be excused from having any degree of accuracy in labs, due to the unstable nature of gravity at my particular lab table. If you don't know, physics instructors are notoriously unsympathetic to that line of argument, the callous bastards). Therefore, a predictable and regular distortion of experimental outcomes due to an unknowable supernatural presence cannot, and does not, happen. If it did, our planet would dissolve into unpredictable chaos. On the plus side, though, I'd finally pass those stupid physics labs.

The other possibility is that a non-predictable, random, and non-reproducible event occurs, that can be attributable only to supernatural forces: The oil in the lamp burned for eight days! It’s a miracle!

Ms. Allison Hayes. When the 50 Foot
Woman Attacked, she was the woman.
I am forced to concede that if there
has to be an Attack of a 50 Foot
Woman, designing Ms. Hayes as same
is clearly evidence of intelligence.
If God, the Wonder Intelligent Designer, makes God’s present know via non-predictable and non-reproducible events, “proof” of God (or an Intelligent Designer) is still not possible. Here's why. I “know” salt dissolves in water because of a chemical reaction, and salt will continue to dissolve until the water solution becomes super-saturated. Then, salt crystals will still continue dissolving, but the "salt" will also precipitate out of solution at the same rate that other crystals dissolve. How do I know this? Because I have had to take first year chemistry three times, that’s why. In other words, I’ve seen that experiment done lots of times, and it's worked every time. To prove an event in terms of cause and effect, that event must be both predictable and reproducible. Miracles, by definition, are not reproducible nor predictable, and therefore cannot be proof of any proposition.

But then, how do I explain the fact that (apparently) some (but not all) people who visit Lourdes throw their crutches away and go on to run marathons? This way: I don’t know why that is.

My point is, I either “know” because an event is predictable and reproducible, OR I do not know why an apparent miracle has occurred. Those are your only two choices. You can feel, think, believe, have a mystical revelation, guess, or even fool yourself—but you cannot “know” about about non-predictable, random, and non-reproducible events.

The concept of “knowing” is a product of the scientific revolution, and exists in (sort of) opposition to “belief.” “Belief” is defined in the Kierkegaard sense, in that you “believe” some concept to be “true,” even though all your reason and experience would tell you that that concept cannot possibly be true. With belief, you take a leap of faith in order to accept a proposition. On the other hand, if you "know" a proposition is true, because it is predictable and reproducible, there is no reason for you to “believe" it: your experience and reason confirm the proposition is true.

In conclusion, notwithstanding the possible presence of a divine intervention or the will of an Intelligent Designer, individual ants still can't move rubber tree plants, either in a predictable fashion or as a random miraculous event (irrespective of high hopes). You certainly are free to believe ants can move rubber tree plants—but your beliefs are spiritual in nature, and belong in the spiritual realm. Your beliefs must not be confused with my knowledge, and have no place in a rational and secular forum—like a school.

So, until someone finds a fossilized Precambrian rabbit, don't talk to me about “holes” in the theory of evolution.
Not a fossilized rabbit from the Precambrian.


Dedicated to three budding young evolutionary biologists who are an endless source of pride and inspiration to me, but who should remain nameless--because they probably would be embarrassed to not only learn how much they inspire me, but also that I think of them as budding evolutionary biologists . . .

Friday, December 4, 2009

"I Hate People...And I Don't Care if They Hate Me!"


My photoshop talents just stink, so you'll have to just use your imagination and PRETEND that instead of Ebenezer Scrooge, the singer is Private Citizen Palin.

"I Hate People...And I Don't Care If They Hate Me!"


Going Rogue, An American Life by Sarah Palin HarperCollins 2009 (413 pages).

I have read Going Rogue cover to cover. Anyone who cares to question my bona fides is free to review my copy, which contains much underlining and profanity scrawled in the margins. But to be fair, pretty much all my books are filled with underling and marginal profanity.

We're unable to confirm whether Ms.
Palin is cursing at her latest staff
flunky for allowing a copy of Going
Rouge to fall into the hands of
Samsara Samizdat.
Why did I read Going Rogue? Two reasons. First and foremost, anyone who knows me even vaguely knows two things: I have an ego the size of a bull elephant; and second, I hate Sarah Palin. Ever since the first time I saw her, giving that hideous speech at the 2004 GOP convention, it was on. I dropped my stick like it was hot, threw my gloves on the ice, and I was pulling that hockey mom’s jersey up over her head, swinging like there was no tomorrow. Metaphorically speaking, of course. So, I knew that readingGoing Rogue would guarantee me hours (okay—MONTHS) of self-righteous indignation and unbridled rage at someone who neatly epitomized most everything I hate about American politics. “I was long past the age where it was fun to swear at people I couldn’t touch,” Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe once observed. Not me—I live to curse impotently.

But credit for the driving force that pushed this book my way goes to the angry grudge match between Amazon.com and Walmart. For reasons known only to those juggernauts and their gods, both decided to get into a pissing match to see WHICH ONE could deal the most copies of Going Rogue and Stephen King’s new book, Under the Dome. So, when Amazon.com offered Going Rogue at nine bucks USD (less than a third the list price), they had me. I knew I would get more than nine dollars of enjoyment out of reading it—and I certainly have.

So, what I have learned after 413 pages of Going Rogue? Not much perhaps, but some. Most notable: that Sarah Palin, not unlike Mikey from the cereal commercials back in the day, hates everything.

Ms. Virgina Mayo and Mr. Ronald
Reagan. Say what you want about
Ms. Mayo, but she had her choice of
California gubernatorial candidates
to kick around.
No matter how prepared you are going into this book, you will be shocked by how extensive and trivial are the names on Private Citizen Palin’s Enemies List. History recalls Nixon’s hilarious1962 press conference where he told the press that they “had a lot of fun” with Nixon over the years, but they wouldn’t have Nixon to kick around any more. But that was a valentine compared to Going Rogue.

Breaking it down, here are the stars of Ms. Palin’s Hate Book.

The “Media”

Why does Sarah Palin hate the “media”? I’m guessing it is because in Ms. Palin’s mind, the role of the media is to “report” Ms. Palin’s views on the world in a manner that makes her look good. The fact that television, print media, and internet cowboys deign to make Ms. Palin look “bad,” she sees that as evidence of “counterfeit objectivity” and a bias against her personally. Is there anyone in particular (cough cough) that Ms. Palin especially does not care for? Funny you should ask. While Ms. Palin is not overly fond of Charles Gibson, his questioning her of the “Bush Doctrine” hardly merits mention. Ms. Katie Couric’s series of interviews, on the other hand, are discussed in at least five different places. At another time, I’ll go into how the press kicked Ms. Palin around, but until that time, trust me that La Belle Couric is hands down the bête noir of Palin's World. My favorite Couric story (and it is hard to choose a favorite), is when Ms. Palin became upset at Ms. Couric asking multiple questions about abortion: “Katie asked it again. And again. And again. I had been out of journalism for a long time, and it was pretty obvious the rules had changed. I felt sick about the depths to which some in the press had apparently sunk, not because it was unfair to me and John [McCain], but because it was unfair to the American electorate” (emphasis supplied). Ms. Palin’s experience “in journalism” was a brief stint covering sports for a local television affiliate in Alaska. Think I am making this up? “Katie and her producers decided on which fraction America would see—and let’s just say the emphasis was on my worst moments. Editing footage is nothing new, of course; I created video packages when I worked as a sports reporter” (emphasis supplied). NO! SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Ms. Jill St. John. She knew how to
handle "The Media," despite never
having covered the sports beat for
a rural television station.
But no one in the media fairs well at Ms. Palin’s hands. At another point, Ms. Palin is describing the aftermath of one of the Obama-McCain debates, and concludes “Granted, 90 percent of the newspeople covering the debate were liberal.”

Chief among the alluded to but unnamed villains are the proverbial usual gang of idiots know as “the leftwing bloggers.” I am wholly at a loss as to understand Ms. Palin’s obsessive demonization of this group. As a practical matter, the entire constituency of this paltry gang is too small to make the slightest difference, either electorally or as a measurable faction in public opinion. But according to Ms. Palin, these dastardly bloggers make stuff up (I’m not making this up), and then “feed” that made up stuff to their “friends” in the “mainstream media.” The extent of Ms. Palin’s Nixonian rage and perceived victimization by Bloggerworld is seen in Ms. Palin’s insistence that a solitary unnamed (but much referenced) member of this merry band (Celtic Diva, of Blue Oasis, For the Alaska Community and Beyond) is largely credited with pulling down the governorship of Alaska. Whoa doctor, asJerry Coleman would say.

Still, from an historical perspective, everything that Ms. Palin complains of is child’s play, compared to the bad ol’ days of William Randolph Hearst, et al. If Ms. Palin doesn’t like how she was treated by CBS, she should read David Halberstam’s bookThe Powers that Be, and see how the Los Angles Times handled Upton Sinclair’s campaign for governor of California. Still, for Ms. Palin, the role of the so-called fourth estate is to tell Ms. Palin how good she looks: “It was one lie after another—from rape kits to Bridges to Nowhere. All easy enough to disprove if the press had done its job.” Sorry dahling, but you don’t look mahvelous.

Even more surprising is the fact that Ms. Palin is shocked SHOCKED to discover that any moron with an internet connection can (and will) say pretty much any stupid thing a body can imagine see, e.g. Samsara Samizdat. At one point, Ms. Palin is outraged that some internet bloggers “claimed” to have “naked” photos of Ms. Palin, from a porno film she appeared in. Given that “fake” photographs are as old as photography itself, and that anyone who doesn’t have a photoshopped “picture” of themselves doing something they’ve never done isn’t trying, how can she possibly be surprised?

Speaking of naked, conspicuous by his absence in Going Rogue, is Mr. Larry Flynt, “publisher” of the hardcore film Who's Nailing Paylin? While I do not have the numbers, I am certain, sure that many more people have seen the Hustler film “dramatizing” Ms. "Paylin’s" having sex with (among others) two Russian soldiers (who are soviet era, for some reason) than have ever read the bloggers she complains about. But Larry Flynt gets a pass from Going Rogue.

“Experts”

Number two on the enemies list is a group difficult to characterize. All throughoutGoing Rogue, Ms. Palin praises what she calls “common sense conservativism,” and disparages not only anything she determines to be complicated to understand, but also the people who do understand the complicated. For example, in one of the few places where Mr. Todd Palin appears, Ms. Palin lists his qualifications as follows: “Todd knew how much our state and our family had to contribute to the campaign and, if we were successful, to the country. It went beyond common sense conservatism and traditional values to the fact that we are everyday Americans.”

Ms. Irish McCalla, perhaps gearing up
for one of those infamous "past forty"
mammograms.
When Ms. Palin first sat down with Senator McCain’s briefers and set to learn about Iraq, she describes when Mr. Steve Schmidt (head of Senator McCain’s presidential campaign) “wanted to know whether I understood the origin of the conflict, the history of the Middle East, and how the thirteenth-and fourteenth (sic) century differences had evolved into today’s murderous rivalry between the Sunni and the Shia. I knew the history of the conflict to the extent that most Americans did.” Which is good—except the Shia--Sunni split was over the succession to Muhammed, and happened in the seventh and eighth century. Say what you want about Ms. Palin, she by her own admission no elitist: she knows her onions to the extent that most Americans do. Which is only troubling to the extent you would want your chief executive officials to be above average: “We felt our very normalcy, our status as ordinary Americans, could be a much needed fresh breeze blowing into Washington DC.”

Here’s another example. One of the persistent thorns in Ms. Palin’s side is former Wasilla mayor Mr. John Stein: “Stein’s background was in city planning. He wasn’t a born-here, rasied-here, gonna-be-burried-here type of hometown guy. He was more into the technical aspects of growth, planning, and code compliance. I once heard a voter bark at Mayor Stein that he wasn’t impressed with his [Mayor Stein’s] public administration degree. 'I can’t support a guy whose degree is in public management,’ the guy hollered after a local debate. 'The public does not need to bemanaged!'" (emphasis in original). Of course, Ms. Palin does not feel obligated to mention that she herself was born in Sandpoint, Idaho. But we digress.

So, you have the guy with a degree in public administration vs. the gal with a bachelors in “communications” who went to five different colleges to get her degree. Who would you want to be mayor of a town of 6,000? Here, let Ms. Palin help you decide: “It was evident during my years on the council that the mayor and I had sharply differing ideas about the future of Wasilla and how to make that future happen. He was for more government control; I was for smaller government and more individual freedom. I wanted government to appropriately provide the private sector with infrastructure tools to increase opportunities. Stein supported expanding land-use restrictions and building codes. I wanted to eliminate property taxes (since we now had the sales tax), slow down the rate of government growth, and build roads and sewer systems. Stein knew exactly what Wasilla needed to do to continue to grow. I was dumb as a stump, armed only with mealy-mouthed platitudes.” Okay—I made up that last one. Nevertheless, Ms. Palin details how the streets in Wasilla were unpaved, and now this tiny town would have to start providing its own police service. And yet, Palin the populist decided to run as a “budget cutter.”

Do you think I am making this up? I wish! “It wasn’t the last time I’d find that there’s no better training ground for politics than motherhood.” Or how about this, where Ms. Palin describes how she “drafted” the Alaska Gasline Inducement Act (AGIA): “Throughout the process, it was our goal to take one of the state’s most historic—and most technical, buzzworded, boring-to-read—bills and boil it down to the common sense level—because that’s my world."

Here’s another one. “[President Ronald] Reagan once recalled with amusement that economists in the 1970s never saw the tech boom coming when they made their gloomy forecasts. The personal computer revolutionized our economy, yet the ‘experts’ didn’t see it coming. Energy independence is a bit like that.” What, you may ask, is energy independence “like”? I have no idea, but feel free to try and make sense of Ms. Palin’s convoluted arguments on p. 392.

But there are a few experts that Ms. Palin frankly admires: “Kid Rock, for instance, is very pro-America and has common sense ideas.” Then there was the time “…Jon Voight blew us away with his articulate and passionate reasoning for the real change America needs.”

The most painful part of Going Rogue, though, is Ms. Palin’s complete naiveté in discussing the 2008 credit meltdown and stock market collapse. To give you an idea of economics Palin-style: “As more and more Americans understand that cap and trade is an environmentalist Ponzi scheme in which only the government benefits, they will refuse to tolerate it.” You’d think that someone, somewhere at HarperCollins would have taken the time to sit down and explain to La belle Palin what a Ponzi scheme is. See, e.g. Bernie Maddoff.

No, to hear Ms. Palin tell it, Wasilla AK is far superior to Lake Wobegon MN, because unlike Lake Wobegon, all the children in Wasilla are below average.

The Legislative Branch

This came to me as a surprise, the extent of contempt the Palin heart harbors for lawmakers: “Alaskans had just voted to shorten the legislature’s session from 120 days down to 90 because the public was tired of seeing lawmakers waste the first few weeks, or months, not accomplishing much.”

Ms. Leslie Parrish. She has nothing to
do with Alaska's State legislature.
However, if you would prefer a photo
of Hollis "Gunny" French, then go write
your own blog.
Ms. Palin not only hates the legislature, she has no concept of how legislative bodies operate: “Alaska’s part-time legislature meets for just ninety days each year, from January to April, but somehow required tens of millions of dollars to get its job done.” What is not explained is how the Alaska legislature is any different from any of the other forty-nine state legislatures.

Mr. Hollis “Gunny” French, the Democratic chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, is particularly demonized for his opposition of all that is right and good for Alaska. Just how exactly Senator French was able to place himself at the core of evil, I have no idea. But according to Going Rogue, he does the devil’s work and does it well.

Nor has Ms. Palin much use for the US Senate. She asserts that her prior political experience of PTA, city council and mayor of a small town (population less than 6,000), head of an administrative board, lieutenant governor and twenty months as governor of the smallest state in the union (population smaller than San Francisco) gave Ms. Palin more and better experience than Senators Obama and Biden: McCain campaign advisors Mr. Steve Schmidt and Mr. Randy Scheunemann “reminded me that Obama didn’t have foreign policy experience. As a governor, I had gained such experience as it related to Alaska’s international commerce and energy issues, as well as our strategic and national security position. Steve and Randy reminded me that after a decade and a half in public office, including serving as a city manager and a governor, I had more administrative and executive experience than either Obama or Biden.” Uh huh. Sure. Of course, Senator Biden is later described as having “been sitting in a US Senate seat since [Ms. Palin] was nine years old,” as evidence of Senator Biden's wealth and breath of government experience.

Republicans and Other Co-Workers

This aspect of Going Rogue has received the most attention by reviewers. I have to say, though, that even as someone wanting to believe the worst of Ms. Palin, I was shocked at the pettiness and vitriol of her remarks. For example: “Rick [Halford] wasn’t an establishment Republican in the derogatory sense of the term…” Not even I would say “establishment Republican” is in and of itself a slur. I stand corrected, I guess.

Ms. Mara Corday and Mr. John Agar,
recreating McCain staffers Mark and
Nicole Wallace on receiving the news
they feature prominently in Going
Rogue.
What’s even more shocking is the personal nature of the criticism, directed at virtually the entire McCain Presidential Campaign staff, pretty much every elected official in Alaska, and the Palin’s paper boy, who on October 23, 2004 forgot to leave a copy of the Mat Su Valley Frontiersman. Okay—I made up that last one.

But explain to me why Ms. Palin would feel the need to be so vindictive in her criticism of legislative director Mr. John Bitney? While Mr. Bitney is not named per se in Going Rogue, he is clearly identified as her first “legislative director.” In describing her experience with new staff as Governor, Ms. Palin states that “20 percent” were “doozies” in the bad way. One of the dooziest was Mr. Bitney, who is introduced as a “Blackberry games addict who couldn’t seem to keep his lunch off his tie. He relished the perception that he was a ‘player’ in Juneau politics, but we were never sure which team he was on.” Later, Ms. Palin writes of Mr. Bitney “Slouching against the wall, he assured us that, yeah, he had everything under control, mission accomplished. The fact that his shirt was buttoned one button off and his shirttail was poking though his open fly didn’t exactly inspire confidence.”

Going Rogue leaves the reader wondering how Mr. Bitney was able to avoid civil commitment proceedings, let alone maintain gainful employment. Nevertheless, Mr. Bitney was employed prior to his hiring by Ms. Palin, and after his firing, he had no time finding work with an identified GOP leader of Alaska’s state senate. So one would have to presume that on a regular basis, Mr. Bitney buttons his shirt correctly and goes about with his fly zipped. Why then, would Ms. Palin go out of her way to humiliate an otherwise non-public person?

Which brings me back to the one truly shocking thing about Going Rogue. It’s not just that Ms. Palin fails to take responsibility for anything, it is the pettiness of her attacks on co-workers and subordinates. If there wasn’t a reason why Ms. Palin left Alaska after she resigned as governor, there’s plenty of reasons why she’s not there now. Following the publication of Going Rogue, I can’t imagine Ms. Palin ever returning to Alaska. She won’t receive a warm reception from anyone outside members of her immediate family—and I’m not even sure about some of them.
Carole Baker from the film "Baby Doll." The character Doll didn't like building codes any more than Sarah Palin does.

Land Use Regulations and Building Codes

Why Ms. Palin has such a bee in her bonnet about building codes, I have no idea. But she sees them as the purest form of statist totalitarianism. I have my own conspiracy theory on this, involving how Ms. Palin’s Wasilla mansion was built and who paid for the building supplies (HINT: Not the Palins), but I’ll go into that another day.

Ms. Ashley Judd. She's pretty. She's
perky. She's celebrated. She's wholly
ready to take away all your guns and
let your family be devoured by wolves!
Ashley Judd and “Hollywood Liberals” (brand, registered trademark)

You had to know this one was coming. First, there is Ms. Palin’s favorite straw-bogeyman, the National Coalition to Confiscate All Manners of Firearms and Turn America into a Police State (Hollywood Division): “I would face pressure from Hollywood to halt hunting, ban guns, and end our state’s wildlife management practices, such as controlling predators. . . I had plenty of backup when telling Hollywood liberals what I thought of their asinine plans to ban guns.” While we at Samsara Samizdat wholly and unreservedly endorse such a program, we are at a loss to think of anyone in “Hollywood” who would go along with us.

But Ms. Judd still gets her shout out as an otherwise unnamed “perky, pretty celebrity:”

“One animal rights group recruited a perky, pretty celebrity to attack our scientifically controlled, state-managed wolf-control program. It was ironic that she opposed using guns to kill predators that would cause Native (sic) people to starve, but apparently not opposed to taking movie roles in which she’d use guns to kill predatory people.”

I am not making that up. Ms. Palin’s gross mischaracterization of the attack on Alaska’s program to hunt wolves by planes has been well documented elsewhere. If you care, you can read about it here, courtesy of Shannyn Moore: Just a Girl from Homer. Suffice to say, “scientifically controlled” in this context is not unlike the “fruit” in Froot Loops.

Ms. Dianna Rigg. If her life read like a
Herman Melville novel, more people
would read Herman Melville.
Herman Melville

In describing “Lena,” Todd Palin’s native grandmother, Ms. Palin writes “her history sounds like something out of a Herman Melville novel.” WHICH Melville novel, you may ask? If you guessed Moby Dick, Israel Potter, Pierre, Billy Budd, The Confidence Man, or Benito Cereno, forget it because I already tried those. Ms. Palin doesn’t say, but she might have meant Typee and/or Omoo, because those novels are about non-anglo non-Western Europeans. They are, however, about South Pacific Islanders (Typee) and Tahitians (Omoo).

If I had to guess, Ms. Palin probably meant to say Jack London instead of Herman Melville. But even that is a stretch, because while Mr. London did write about native peoples of the North, his novels and stories are not exactly brimming with female protagonists.

President Jimmy Carter

In the immortal words of Ms. Palin:

“I was in high school the day Reagan took the oath of office. On the same day, minutes after he was sworn in, a band of Iranian militants released fifty-two Americans, after having held them—and our national pride—hostage for 444 days. I had followed the Iran hostage crisis and remember wondering why President Jimmy Carter didn’t act more decisively. From my high school perspective, I thought the question was, Why (sic) did he allow America to be humiliated and pushed around? The new president being sworn in radiated confidence and optimism. The enemies of freedom took notice. In years to come people would ask, What (sic) did he have that Carter didn’t? To me, the answer was obvious. He had a steel spine.”

In case you are wondering, at that point the marginal notes in my copy of Going Rogue contain multiple references to an extremely rude and graphic expression suggesting multiple permutations of sexual congress. If you’re wondering why I found that reference to President’s Reagan and Carter so upsetting, please consult Stephen Kinzer’s All the Shah’s Men, Haynes Johnson’s Sleepwalking Through History, or the Supreme Court decision affirming an executive order by then President Reagan, blocking lawsuits by American citizens against Iran’s Islamist Regime, and releasing significant funds that had been frozen in American Banks. I can’t remember the name of the case, but will include it later.

Ms. Elaine Stewart, all dressed up and
no doubt having places to go. Mr. Karl
Marx would have thought so as well.
“Karl Marx”

“In national politics, some feel that Big Business (sic) is always opposed to the Little Guy (sic). Some people seem to think a profit motive is inherently greedy and evil, and that what’s good for business is bad for people. (That’s what Karl Marx thought too.)” (sic)

Either Ms. Palin got a D in her college economics class (singular), or I am owed a refund from that class where I had to read The Grundrisse. I've written and await reply from the professor of my class in Hegal and Marx.

Levi Johnson

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST! A Samsara Samizdat exclusive: What Going Rogue has to say about Levi Johnson. In chapter six, subchapter seven, Ms. Palin is describes yet another telephone call from her son Track, who is currently serving in Iraq. For a soldier in a combat zone, Track seems to be extremely informed and up to date on Alaskan local politics, and is calling Ms. Palin an inordinate number of times. On that particular call, Track “talked about watching his sister be humiliated on national television as her former boyfriend went on his fact-free kiss-and-tell media tour. Track knew the kid (sic) was making things up.”

Now, considering the fact that (so far as I know) Mr. Johnson has pointedly refused to talk about Bristol (and therefore not telling about any kisses), I have to wonder about the television that Track is watching. Of course, my wondering can only increase with that subchapter beginning with the line “This isn’t good, Mom,” Track told me from a desert outpost 6,000 miles away. “I just saw another dumbass ‘expert’ on TV telling the world who he thinks we are.”

Maybe our pals and gals in Iraq get to watch more television than I would have thought. Or maybe Our Man Track is King of the Pogues—not that those options are mutually exclusive or anything.

“Saul Alinsky”

Not only does Ms. Palin unfairly (and frankly incorrectly) brand ACORN as “experts in voter fraud,” she goes after the big man himself. After the debacle of the Presidential election, Ms. Palin returns to an Alaska where she and her staff face a title wave of (in her view) unfair and unfounded ethics complaints and Freedom of Information Act requests:

Ms. Yvonne Craig. Okay, so she's not
Saul Alinsky, but she IS Batgirl. Just
pretend she's been updated by a new
generation of left-wing activists.
“The method of attack we were combating seems to have come right out of Saul Alinsky’s activist manual Rules for Radicals—the revolutionary handbook that taught leftists how to effectively harass and obstruct their opponents. Alinsky’s tactics had seemingly been updated by a new generation of left-wing activists.”

I am sorry if I am shocking you, but in Sanford Horwitt’s 550 page biography of Saul Alinsky Let Them Call Me Rebel, the phrase “Freedom of Information Act” does not appear. To be truthful, if Ms. Palin actually deigned to sit down and LOOK AT either Reveille for Radicals or Rules for Radicals, I am certain, sure she would be impressed with both the book and Mr. Alinsky. Just my personal opinion.

“Rahm Emanuel”

In March 2008, a “group from the Republican Governors Association” traveled to Alaska to warn the intrepid Ms. Palin that she was being “Emanuelized” or “Thumped” (her words). Not only is “thumped” an expression that sounds dirty, but isn’t really, it’s the title of an infamous book The Thumpin’: How Rahm Emanuel and the Democrats Learned to Be Ruthless and Ended the Republican Revolution. Heard of it? Me neither. But it’s a real book by Chicago Tribune reporter Naftali Bendavid, about how Rahm Emanuel headed up the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee for the 2006 elections.

Now, you may remember the 2006 mid-term election as the time when the Democrats handed the Grand Ol’ Party a “thumpin’” (President Bush’s words), because the 2003 invasion of Iraq had degenerated into an especially brutal war where no one was winning but America was definitely losing. Additionally, the White House had been forced to come clean that every single rationale in support of the invasion was not only untrue—but that the Bush Administration knew prior to the invasion that the Party Line wasn’t true. Moreover, the Tom Delay clique and his K Street cronies were on their way to jail, courtesy of Jack Abramoff. And the economy was starting to struggle. All in all, it was a bad time to be a Republican—which is why the Democrats were able to capture majorities in both the House and Senate.

Ms. Rhonda Fleming. She's not Rahm
Emanuel, but she does do a thumpin'
good job as Little Egypt. I'm not how
that fits, though.
But you’d be wrong! Rahm “Thumper” Emanuel invented the tactic that brought the GOP to its knees, and then exported it to Alaska to damage Ms. Palin’s administration. According to Ms. Palin, the key is to find some frivolous, wholly bogus non-scandal and whip it up into a pointless scandal. For then Governor Palin, it was the firing of public safety officer Walt Monegan, ostensively for Mr. Monegan’s refusal to fire Mr. Mike Wooten, a state trooper who was Ms. Palin’s ex-brother in law.

At another time, I may (or may not) write about employment law and “Troopergate.” But here’s how Ms. Palin connects the dots. First, there are a group of Alaskan “Democrats” who have close ties to Mr. Pete Rouse, a former Alaskan resident who was “Senator Obama’s chief of staff.” Even though Mr. Rouse “actually resides on the East Coast (sic), and has for years, he still votes in Alaska though a voter registration address on Main Street in Juneau—an address once shared by Alaska State Senator Kim Elton on voter rolls.” J’Accuse!

Then, the Usual Suspects (starring Senator Hollis “Gunny” French) get to Mr. Monegan, and Mr. Monegan “dramatically changed his story about the reassignment.” Guess what happens next? If you were thinking Governor Palin (and her family) refused to participate in the legislative investigation of the incident, insisting that investigation was biased and a new and independent investigation was needed, you’d be wrong. Instead, Ms. Palin claims that “[m]eanwhile, the legislature’s investigative panel decided to pay an independent investigator to find something to charge me with while I was being vetted as a VP candidate.”

Guess what happened next! If you were thinking that ehe independent investigation found that as at-will employee, Mr. Monegan could be fired for any reason or no reason, Governor Palin and First Husband Todd nevertheless exceeded their legislative authority in trying to pressure Public Safety Officer Monegan to fire Trooper Wooten, you’re wrong again: “The ‘independent’ investigator ultimately issued a strained and nonsensical decision in October that actually declared that I had been well within my legal rights to reassign Commissioner Monegan.”

So what? you may ask. Here’s what: remember State Senator Kim Elton, who one time ostensively shared an address with Obama campaign advisor Pete Rouse for the purpose of establishing Mr. Rouse’s residence for voter eligibility? Well, “Elton, who played a key role in advancing the Monegan issue as a ginned up ‘scandal,’ has since moved to Washington and joined the Obama interior department as director of Alaska Affairs.”

Ah HA! You now shout. Well, maybe: “Was I ‘Thumped,’ as some suggested? Others can decide. One does have to wonder, though, what Kim Elton did to earn his new job in Washington.”

One does have to wonder as well, though, why others should probably stay off the drugs--because that is not even vaguely at all what happened.

Reading Entire Books

Going Rogue has more than the average number of trite, out of context quotes from famous people that either don’t quite fit or are just wrong for the point Ms. Palin is trying make. By now, you have probably heard of Geoffrey Dunn’s column where he points out that Ms. Palin attributes a quote to “John Wooden,” when in fact the quote is from Native American author John Wooden Legs, writing about Wounded Knee. Here’s the actual quote from Going Rogue: “Our land is everything to us . . . I will tell you of the things we remember on our land. We remember that our grandfathers paid for it—with their lives. U Rah Rah! C Rah Rah! L Rah Rah! A Rah Rah! UCLA RAH RAH! John Wooden.” Okay, I made up that last part. But at the time, I remember thinking “John Wooden? The guy who coached Bill Walton? What ‘grandfather’ could he possibly be talking about?”

This issue does not feature lots of
quotes from Mr. Vince Lombardi.
Here’s another one. “Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is.” Vince Lombardi. And here you thought it was “If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?” or “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” But you'd be wrong. Mr. Lombardi is also quoted as saying the line attributed to him by Ms. Palin—that, and “A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” Conspicuous by its absence, though, is “Winners never quit and quitters never win.”

What I find embarrassing is the source books for all these quotes are never mentioned. Pearl Buck is quoted on something about patriotism, Plato ("Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"), Lou Holtz (he's quoted twice. As for why, your guess is good as mine), Aristotle, Pascal (“. . . the filling of what the French writer Blaise Pascal called ‘the god-shaped vacuum’ in every human heart”)—none of the quotes made sense in the context of the author’s body of work, and seem to have been harvested from a low budget knock off of Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations--which is what Mr. Dunn suggests.

Book Reviewers

Finally, the people that Going Rogue expresses the greatest contempt for are the poor schlubs who have to read and review this mess. How do I know? Simple: there is no index, and the only sections identified by name are the six chapters. Suppose I am working for a living (as opposed to a labor and love and ego), and I am on a deadline to report what Sarah Palin has to say about Katie Couric? In a run of the mill autobiography, I’d flip to the index, and there under C I’d find the five places where Ms. Palin kvetches about Katie Couric (six, if you count the fact that at Ms. Palin’s bayside “press conference” to explain why she was resigning as Governor, CBS was pointedly not invited). But without an index, I’d have to slog through the entire book. Why did so many early reports on Going Rogue state that Ms. Palin did not mention Mr. Levi Johnson? Because as I mentioned earlier, the only allusion to Mr. Johnson happens on page 375, and not by name--which is long after most book reviewers give up the ghost.

“So, the sun’s really hot, sea water has a salty flavor, and you hate Sarah Palin. Still, should I read Going Rogue?”

Ms. Elaine Stewart, not that dressed up.
But notice she, like all good farmer's
daughters, is still wearing heels.
No. Going Rogue is interesting only for people who hate Sarah Palin, and whose hobby is working themselves into self-righteous lathers of indignation. If that is not you (and I pray to the Cowboy Buddha that you at least blessed with the sense god gave geese, so have better things to do with your time), then this is my recommendation: if you must, read the book backwards. Of the six chapters (throwing the Epilogue and Acknowledgements in with the last chapter), “Going Rogue” (chapter four) and “The Thumpin’” (chapter five) are the most interesting. The former is about Ms. Palin’s days on the road with the McCain campaign, and the latter is her homage to Thomas Wolfe’s You Can’t Go Home Again, after the November 2008 election. For me, I particularly enjoyed the last chapter, “The Way Forward,” which albeit briefly, lays out the Palin economic platform. I found those pages a non-stop laugh riot, but I’m a little punchy from reading a half dozen books on the 2008 banking collapse. I thought the first two chapters “The Last Frontier” and “Kitchen Table Politics” were just dull, and the book didn’t pick up until the third chapter, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

If you want to know about the 2008 campaign in general—or surprisingly, Sarah Palin in particular—a much better book on both is Mr. Dan Balz and Mr. Haynes Johnson’sThe Battle for America 2008.

Sadly, the beginning chapters do contain the seeds for what could have been an interesting and worthwhile book….but that’s something I’ll complain about another time.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Occam's Razor and the Bald Mezzo-Soprano from Alaska

The explanation of any phenomenon should make as few assumptions as possible, eliminating those that make no difference in the observable predictions of the explanatory hypothesis or theory.
--Occam’s razor, Wikipedia


Or as they say where I come from: KISS—Keep it simple, stupid. Why? Because the truth is invariably far more banal and obvious than you could have imagined.

Ms. Jill St. John. The story is, she has
an IQ of something like 162. Of
course, she is also rumoured to
have dated Henry Kissinger back
in the day--so who knows.
On July 13 2009, the NY Times ran an article about Governor Palin’s resignation (Palin’s Long March to a Short Notice Resignation). While containing a few more specifics, the article still focused on the usual suspects: Governor Palin shoots self in foot via her own poor choices, followed by her blaming a vast left-wing conspiracy (cough cough) for all her troubles. 

So, if we strop Occam’s razor, cutting out all the unnecessary assumptions, would that shed light on why Governor Palin suddenly resigned on July 3? In the immortal words of Gene Autry: yes. 

What theories do the bare facts eliminate? Two, for starters. 

First, it wasn’t Samsara Samizdat (and the rest of the Bad Dudes of the Blogosphere) dropping the ethic complaint dime that pushed Governor Palin into private life. Second, it wasn’t Governor Palin’s fear of exposure that the contractors who built the Wasilla Sports Complex also built some part (if not all) of her house for free that motivated her resignation (Fox Mulder’s poster says I WANT TO BELIEVE, and has a UFO on it; mine says I WANT TO BELIEVE—and has a picture of Governor Palin’s house). No, after shaving off all the exciting bits from the right & left, we’re left with the same boring truth that we always suspected: it was the money (and not Governor Palin’s money) that pushed her out of La Maison Governor. 

But What About the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy?

To hear Governor Palin tell it (and she is not shy about telling it), BB King was thinking about the angst of Poor Sarah’s plight, when he wrote “No one loves me but my mother—and she could be jiving too.” The July 13 NY Times article quotes Governor Palin complaining that after she was selected to be Senator McCain’s running mate, “hordes of opposition researchers came up here digging for dirt for political reasons, making crap up.” How evil were these hordes? “We spent most of our day, my staff, a lot of the members of the Department of Law and myself, dealing with things that have nothing to do with policy or governance,” Governor Palin complains, “It has to do with setting the record straight in this game that’s being played right now.”

Ms. Mamie Van Doren. Proving you
are not a quitter by by quitting your
job is as silly as being a placekicker
wearing....oh, nevermind.
No, it doesn’t. With information from the Anchorage Daily News, I did a point by point breakdown of the nineteen ethics complaintsthat Governor Palin insists are the bane of her existence. Are they a nuisance? Sure. Maybe even a major pain in the ass. But are they any different from what America’s other 49 state governors face? Not even vaguely. Moreover, most Governors have much bigger concerns taking up their time. If Governor Palin and her staff had to spend “most of [their] day” dealing with those piddling complaints, then the Alaska Governor has much bigger managerial concerns (besides who all is assigned to worry about the Unrepresentative Elitist Liberal Eastern Media Establishment (the UELEME), currently infiltrating the blogosphere).

Moreover, in Governor Palin is just blowing smoke in her faux outrage over how the cost of these complaints was robbing the Alaska taxpayers blind--and she knows it. The Governor is very loose with her figures, but just for poops and giggles, let’s call it an even million dollars has been “wasted” in ethics complaints. Or double it: call it TWO MILLION DOLLARS. So what? Why get so excited about that money, when Alaska is facing a $1.35 billion budget shortfall for fiscal year 2010? As the Good Book teaches us: Why beholdest thou the $2 million USD mote that is in thy Governor’s budget, but considerest not the $1.35 billion USD shortfall beam that is in thine State budget? Or how wilt thou say to thy Legislature: Come pull out the $2 million USD mote out of mine ass; and, behold, ignore the $1.35 billion USD budgetary shortfall beam up everyone else’s butt? (Mathew 7:3-4. Sort of). 

Do Vast INSERT POLITICAL TENDECY HERE-Wing Conspiracies exist? Sure they do. In his book A Vast Conspiracy, The Real Story of the Sex Scandal that Nearly Brought Down a President, Mr. Jeffery Toobin details the history of the Paula Jones case. Ms. Jones frivolous complaint against then Governor Bill Clinton was on the verge of expiring, courtesy of the statute of limitations, when a conservative group recruited lawyers to draft and file the complaint. From there, the Paula Jones group built ties with Independent Counsel Ken Starr, who then pulled together the various threads of claims against the Clintons (Whitewater et al, all of which were created solely to embarrass the Clintons personally and damage his Presidency). 

Not Ms. Shannyn Moore--so don't even
think about singing "Diamonds...daisies
...snowflakes...."
Is there a similar group, targeting Governor Palin? Uh huh. And our leader is That Girl from Homer.

Therefore, Occam’s razor would have us conclude that Governor Palin did not resign because ethics complaints from her “enemies” has made Alaska ungovernable.

But WHAT ABOUT THE HOUSE?

What is especially difficult about hating Governor Palin is trying to keep perspective. She is money, in that you can count on her to always say something stupid, and to take whatever childish brickbat comes her way personally. What do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger would say if David Letterman made a joke about one of the California Governor’s daughters having sex with Alex Rodriguez? Hint: it rhymes with “nothing.” Why? Maybe because Governor Schwarzenegger knows nobody cares when David Letterman cracks wise. Or just maybe, it might be because Governor Arnold has other things on his mind—like the fact California is facing a $53.7 billion USD budget shortfall, which is 58% of the State’s total budget. 

So, separating off the extra-crazy that Governor Palin brings to every interaction is critical to understand what actually is happening to her and Alaska. Once that’s done, then a review of the ethics complaints against Governor Palin shows that she has three problems. 

Mr. Tony Curtis, after being "elected"
Mayor of Universal City. Ms. Mara Corday, (right) is fire marshal, and
Ms. Mamie Van Doran is police chief.
We are unable to confirm rumour that
Curtis later fired Ms. Van Doren for
her refusal to dismiss Mr. Curtis's
ex-brother in law from the police
force.
First, (for reasons that are beyond me), Governor Palin appears wholly unable to grasp the concept that as an elected official, she has an “official capacity,” as opposed to her “personal capacity.” As a private person, “Sarah Palin” can walk around, wearing logos of a size and quantity that would embarrass even your basic NASCAR driver. But as “Governor Palin,” she needs to think about creating even implicit product endorsements—especially when the product at issue is paying for your husband’s snowmobile hobby. Similarly, when you have problems with your family (ie your daughter’s big mouth ex-boyfriend or that jerk state trooper your sister divorced), those are “Sarah Palin’s problems,” NOT the problems of the Alaskan Governor. As they say where I come from, using your official capacity to resolve your personal vendettas is a Bozo No-No. 

Second, Governor Palin has a problem with the truth. For example, in Governor Palin’s July 3 “explanation” of why she resigned, she said that all “fifteen” of the ethics complaints against her had been dismissed: “every one.” She won! Well--no, she didn’t. Both First Husband and Governor Palin were found to have abused their official capacity, by trying to have their ex-brother in law (the state trooper) fired. Second, Governor Palin had to pay back taxes for money she billed the state for per diem expenses, while she stayed at her home in Wasilla. Third, she had to reimburse the state for transportation costs of her children, on trips that were not official state business. Next, some of her staff were ordered to undergo ethics training, following a controversial hiring. Finally, two complaints are still pending. 

I am not the only one to think Governor Palin has a habit of opportunistic shading of the truth. One of the main points in Mr. Todd Purdum’s long (but not particularly revealing) article in Vanity Fair is that Governor Palin loves to shape reality to conform with her own views. If you’re interested, Mr. Purdum’s article gives a few more examples.

Third, I may be going out on a limb here, but Governor Palin really seems to have issues with money. For starters, look at “Clothesgate.” While Pat Nixon may have made “good cloth coats” respectable in political circles, Nancy Reagan wasn’t having any of it. Cost schmost--Nancy Regan was the first lady, and she was going to look good. And for both Nancy and Pat, that was fine. Governor Palin, on the other hand, wanted it both ways: she wanted to wear top end clothing, while at the same time insisting that she was a cloth coat kind of gal.

So what happened? After the GOP provided a reported $150,000 USD wardrobe for Governor Palin and family, Governor Palin looked ridiculous when she insisted that those clothes “belong to the Republican Party.” And that after the campaign, “those clothes will be given to charity.” Or that Governor Palin was powerless in the hands of the McCain campaign: All she ever asked for was a diet Dr. Pepper—but (somehow) wound up with six figures’ worth of high-end clothing. Yeah--I hate when that happens.

Need another example? What other politician in America is going to collect a per diem, while living in their own home, and then become genuinely hurt and upset when someone notices?

Ms. Julie Adams. Not exactly another
Ho Ho Ho, because she is in no way
affiliated with Spenard Building 
Supplies.
Which is why it is so easy for me to believe the contractors who built the Wasilla Sports Complex also built Governor Palin’s home. That, and the fact the Palins’ explanation of how their home was built is transparently idiotic. My point is, though, Governor Palin creates many of her own problems by sticking her hands into too many cookie jars.

So, are these three weaknesses (not understanding the difference between personal and official capacity, a habit of twisting the truth when convenient, and being a little to grabby about money) enough to push a Governor out of office? Maybe—but not this Governor. See The Bob Rule.

Something else pushed Sarah Palin out of office.

Show Me the Money and/or Lack Thereof!

Here’s a joke I just made up: What’s the difference between a great Alaskan governor, and a crappy Alaskan governor? About an eighty dollar drop in the per barrel price of crude oil! [INSERT SOUND OF DRUM RIMSHOT HERE].

Governor Palin famously once said “Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.” Here’s how Alaska is not like a microcosm of America. Alaska has no state sales tax, no state income tax, and minimal property taxes. Where does Alaska get its money? Revenues from oil production, and Playas Uncle Ted and Congressman Don Young bringing home the federal bacon--Alaska style! Thanks to the tireless efforts of Alaska’s federal legislators, Alaska may have been number forty-nine on your program, but it’s number one in your heart—no, not there. I mean a solid number one in per capita pork barrel project dollars—and there is no number two.

Keeping in mind that Alaskans get their money from federal largess and oil, it is easier to understand why Alaskans' love affair with Governor Palin has come apart. In a drama worthy of a SE Hinton novel:

THAT WAS THEN: 
--Oil sold for $140 a barrel.
--The “Permanent Fund” paid out $3269. USD to 610,768 qualifying Alaska residents (almost double the previous year’s payment).
--When Alaska’s corporate (ie oil) tax revenues dropped 32%, there was enough money in the state reserve funds to make up the difference. So no worries!
--Alaska budget was balanced and service levels maintained.
--Governor Palin has an 83% approval rating.

THIS IS NOW:
--The bad news: Oil is now selling at roughly $64 USD a barrel. The good news: That’s up from last winter’s $30 a barrel.
--Alaskan oil production has declined by 64% since 1988, but corresponding price increases more than made up for the losses—until now. 
--With the state reserve funds all spent in last years Permanent Fund Extravaganza, Alaska now has a $1.35 billion USD shortfall, which is 30% of its annual budget.
--Uncle Ted manages to get felony convictions overturned, but meanwhile has lost his seat. More importantly, Alaska’s federal legislators’ ability to dump truckloads of federal money on state is seriously compromised.
--Governor Palin’s approval rating dropped to 55% at the time she resigned. 

Ms. Irish McCalla, taking issue with an
unidentified man, who apparently
was making fun of Ms. McCalla's
persistent high make up to small 
clothing ratio.
Are those problems really insurmountable? Of course not. Sure, putting together a budget without a corporate or personal tax base is tough—but so what? In a July 7 2009 ABC News report of the Ten Most Broke States, Alaska only clocked in at number six. Heck, California Governor Schwarzenegger, Arizona’s Jan Brewer, Nevada’s Jim Gibbons, Illinois’s Pat Quinn—in their DREAMS they have Alaska’s problems to contend with. Yeah Alaska, right now it doesn’t look great. But with a little focus and political moxie, there’s no reason why Governor Palin couldn’t make like Jimmy Stewart, saving the Bedford Falls Building & Loan.

What’s Wrong with this Picture?

So, does Governor Palin have the requisite moxie and focus? In the immortal words of Gene Autry: no. To illustrate, look at two recent events in the world of Alaska politics.

First, on April 16 2009, Governor Palin’s nominee for Attorney General, Mr. Wayne Anthony Ross, was rejected by the Alaska legislature on a vote of 35-23. For the first time in Alaska’s history, a cabinet nominee was not confirmed. Where was Governor Palin during this historic vote? Evansville, Indiana, speaking to a large pro-life group.

Example number two: Governor Palin opts to follow the lead of a few GOP Governors, and rejects President Obama’s stimulus package. She announces that Alaska would not accept roughly one third of the $930 million USD that Alaska is entitled to receive—all in the name of greater fiscal prudence. The Alaska Legislature, on the other hand, they opt to join the legislatures of states where GOP governors profess intent not to accept the Stimulus funds i.e. the legislatures all go on to take the money anyway. Without stopping to blink, Alaska’s legislature enacts bills accepting all $930 million USD of the federal stimulus money. Governor Palin then responded by vetoing bills, thus rejecting approximately $28.56 million USD of Alaska’s stimulus, money that was targeted for energy cost relief assistance. As reported in the July 9 Anchorage Daily News, the legislature is pursuing a special session. Several key legislators insist they have the votes (seventy percent is required) to override Governor Palin’s veto.

Regardless of the qualifications (or lack thereof) of Mr. Ross as Attorney General, or merits of rejecting a third of the stimulus package, both examples show a shocking dearth of political savvy on Governor Palin’s part.

Ms. Joi Lansing. The reason lifeguards
are always yelling about "no running"
around swimming pools, is because
sometimes women wearing heels 
want to go swimming.
What do you do when you nominate someone for your cabinet, and that person needs approval by the legislature? Here’s an idea: how about someone from the Governor’s office ASK members of the legislature what they think about the nominee? That way, some time BEFORE the day of the confirmation vote, someone in the Governor’s office will know that more than 50% oppose the nomination. Once this little gem of intelligence comes to light, the Governor has one of two options: either the Governor starts doing serious arm twisting, or (what is more likely) the Governor’s nominee will announce they have changed their mind about a cabinet position—because (cough cough) they want to spend more time with the family. 

But say there is some good reason to push the nomination forward, to the point of losing a floor for the time first time in Alaska history. Where should a good Governor be? SURVEY SAYS: there in the Statehouse building, doing last minute arm twisting, praising the nominee and denouncing all who vote against this fine person. I’ll give President George W. Bush this much: he stood tall beside his incompetent underlings—no matter how big a moron those underlings were. 

The fact Governor Palin was in Indiana (and not Juneau), that sends the message that the Governor doesn’t care if her nominee is approved. And if the Governor doesn’t care, why should anyone not named Wayne Anthony Ross care?

Second, given that Alaska Needs Money (just like Mars Needs Women), what possible rationale could justify (from the parochial perspective of Alaskans) not accepting federal money? And even if there is such a rationale, why would you start talking about rejecting $300 million USD, then turn down only $28.56 million, when even that rejection is a good bet to be tossed out on a veto override?

Finally, Governor Palin’s July 3rd manifesto about saving Alaskans the “$2 million USD” lost in ethics complaint investigation becomes even more meaningless, when with the stroke of a pen, she is trying to cost Alaskans (at a minimum) fourteen times that amount.

The bottom line is after Governor Palin’s political posturing on the stimulus package, and the fiasco over her choce for Attorney General, she ultimately comes across as 1) a loser, or 2) an idiot, or 3) both.

The Bald Mezzo-Soprano

So, once we have cut away the assumptions based on wild rhetoric (from Governor Palin) and wishful schadenfreude (from me about investigations on la casa Palin), what are we left with? Alaska is facing big problems, and Governor Palin has demonstrated (for whatever reason) a repeated inability to competently address even small problems. 

Using the principle of Occam’s razor then, it’s only natural that Governor Palin would resign, to protect Alaska (and her dwindling reputation) from her own incompetence.
Ms. Faye Dunaway. Didn't I tell you not to ask me about who paid for or built my house?

Razor be damned. Me and Fox: WE WANT TO BELIEVE! Who built and paid for Governor Palin’s home in Wasilla? Inquiring minds want to know. Plus, inquiring minds also love nothing more than to re-publicate defamatory material without answering to it in a court of law or being responsible for the abuse of right to free speech under the Alaska Constitution and continuing to publish falsehoods of criminal activity recklessly without any regard for the truth which some people threaten as being actionable

But we digress.

Ms. Ruth Bennett contributed to the writing of this article, but only on the condition that her efforts would not be recognized. She is receiving recognition though, because of her unusually snarky attitude while contributing.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

"Fifteen" Kids' Books that in My Experience, Kids Actually Like Reading

[American librarians] don't understand what children enjoy. They love reading about unpleasant people getting done in in a chocolate factory. The best bit in the giant peach story was when the disagreeable aunts got squashed to death by it. [Children] don't relate; they fantasize.
--Roald Dahl


As Clint Eastwood said in Magnum Force: A man’s got to know his limitations. A more prudent person in my shoes would hesitate drafting a recommended reading list of Childrens’ Literature. After all, I have no kids of my own, and the last time I lived with minors was during the first term of the Clinton administration. Additionally, I have not read any of the Harry Potter books. Nor have I read Charlotte’s Web. My taste in books leans heavily towards the old timey, and not just because I have personal memories of the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew, for all you wags).

Ms. Audrey Hepburn. She is hot, but
not too hot. This is, after all, a review
of kids' books. Plus, Ms. Hepburn gets
extra kudos for all the good work she
did for the United Nations.
Nevertheless, I feel confident in telling you that my bona fides are in order. For example, I laugh like a stoned hyena at Captain Underpants. I think Robert Lewis Stevenson’s A Child’s Garden of Verses is the single worst book ever written. And most importantly, I have given books to dozens of kids, and while I can’t help but draw the occasional lemon, no kid has ever been disappointed to hear that my presents will include books. I am almost as proud of the fact that a friend’s daughter (a kid who barely knows who I am) said “Your friend Bill really gets me about books,” than I am about being an honours graduate from law school. I want to be sure that after I die, at least one person will remember to say that all my life, I pointedly tried to give kids books that the kids loved--and their parents hated. 

So, with the caution that hip hop happening groovy cats from Nowsville may very well be disappointed, here are my Fabulous “Fifteen” Books (Kids’ Edition):

1. Best in Show: Mr. Mysterious & Company, by Sid Fleischman

Mr. Sid Fleschman does not get the attention he deserves. He has written a very charming series of picture books about a “Farmer” named McBroom, who has a one acre farm that grows anything, and in about half an hour. Several of his books have been made in television movies by Walt Disney--Bullwhip Griffin, for example—and the stories are so good, not even Disney can screw them up (well, not completely). I am a fan of Mr. Fleischman for the same reason I’m a fan of any author. After all, what makes a good kid book is the same thing that makes a good non-kid book: good characters and good writing.

Ms. Heddy Lamar. And no children: 
Ms. Donna Summer was a Disco
Diva. Ms. Lamar just had powerful
people who made her wear ugly 
clothes.
Mr. Mysterious & Company is the story of a family, shortly after the US Civil War. They travel the Western United States in a covered wagon, visiting small towns where they perform a magic show. The father is the magician, the mother plays the piano for musical accompaniment, and all three kids play age-appropriate roles in the show. This was one of my favorite books when I was a kid, and my nieces also loved this story.

I should include a caveat, though. The book was written in 1962, and the portrayal of Native Americans is quite dated. Aside from that, there are strong girl characters, and the youngest child (also a girl) holds her own. Unfortunately, this book is often out of print, and can be hard to find.

2. Favorite Son Award for Book Probably Only I Would Love: The Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek, by Evelyn Lampman

This was the first book I ever read that made me cry—even though I KNEW there was no creek, and no stegosaurus that spoke English and wagged his tale like a dog. That just plain did not matter.

This is a story about a boy and a girl, living in the southwestern United States, whose family runs a motel (I think they run a motel. I could be wrong) that is on the edge of going out of business. The only thing that can save the proverbial family farm is to find some evidence of dinosaurs in the area, thus creating an incoming swarm of paleontologists, all needing motel accommodations. Surprisingly, the kids find a living stegosaurus, who insists he is so shy, he would die if he met anyone else.

I am especially impressed with a conversation that the kids have with the stegosaurus about the morality of digging up the bones of ancestors, and putting them on public display (the stegosaurus is offended by the practice). 

While the ending is sad, the stegosaurus does not die (no one dies). 

Ms. Elke Sommer. When it came to Big
Hair, she was ready to bring it.
Unfortunately, virtually all of the kids I have given this book thought it was too square for their tastes. But it’s still my favorite son…..

3. Book with Highest Positive Rating By Kids—and Highest Negative Rating by Parents: The “Butt Wars” Trilogy, by Andy Griffiths

These books were written for people who find most pee and poop jokes too intellectually demanding.

I got into a fairly heated argument with a friend of mine, before he finally agreed to give his son (who was refusing to read any books) a copy of The Day My Butt Went Psycho. Later, my friend told me that weekend, his son had a friend spend the night, and for the first time, the two boys read a book (this book) under the covers with a flashlight. That’s the good news. The bad news is that his wife was decidedly unhappy, about my friend giving their child a copy of this book. 

The premise of this modern tour de force is that your butt is a separate entity, with its own consciousness, and is able to jump off your body and run around. Jake, the chief protagonist, is upset because his butt not only repeatedly runs away, but is organizing other butts to take over the world. I thought the first book, The Day My Butt Went Psycho, was the best. But the consensus of the cognoscenti is that the second book, Zombie Butts from Uranus, is the best of the bunch. However, we all agree that the third book, Butt Wars: The Final Conflict, is still well worth reading.

The picture book winner of this award is The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit, by Werner Holzwarth. This book involves a nearsighted mole, who as he was coming out of his hole, suffered some unknown animal doing “that,” and having “that” land on top of the Mole’s head. The book is much better than it sounds. 

Ms. Jill St. John, circa Diamonds are 
Forever. Okay--maybe Ms. St. John
was a disco diva.
4. The Dao Master Award: Winnie the Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner, by A.A. Milne

Forget The Tao of Pooh or The Te of Piglet. Just my personal opinion, but those books stink. And forget about When We Were Very Young and Now We Are Six. Those poems also stink. Instead, read the Stephen Mitchell transliteration of theDao te Ching, and then go to the source. 

Unfortunately, the Christopher Robin character may get on your nerves (he does mine)—and the Walt Disney version manages to lose about two-thirds the charm—but the Bear still brings it. Here’s what I mean. Pooh and Piglet are out walking one afternoon, and a big storm blows in. Piglet starts to get scared, and says to Pooh “What if the wind blows, breaks one of those big branches off a tree, and the branch falls on us?” Pooh thinks about this for awhile, and says “But what if that doesn’t happen?” Piglet thinks about that, and then feels much better. 

Rinpoche Winnie the Pooh: nunca te olvidamos.

5. The Batman Award for Kid Power: The Baudelaire Orphans Saga, by Lemony Snicket

If you are too young to have seen the original Batman television series, starring Adam West (which at this point is going to be pretty much all of you), go rent it. The show is very funny. However, watching the show as a kid, I didn’t see any of the humour, and thought I was watching just another serious police drama, like Kojak, Adam 12, or Dragnet (ask your grandparents).

Ms. Yvonne Craig. What? You don't put
on go go boots to fight crime?
Mr. Snicket is able to walk that same line with this series of thirteen books, where the three kids are smart and capable—but all the adults are just too dense to understand what’s going on (a common problem all children face). The books are also so melodramatic, that they are hilarious. Moreover, I am immediately soft on any book, where the author goes to great lengths to discourage you from reading it.

6. Award for Book that You Know In Your Heart Is Really True, Even If You Hotly Deny that You Believe It: The Borrowers Series, by Mary Norton

The “Borrowers” are a species of people who are less than six inches high, and live inside the walls of homes in England (and probably your home as well, but don’t talk about it, or your parents will think you are strange. Don’t ask how I know this). The borrowers survive by (ahem) BORROWERING stuff from the people whose houses they share. The central family are two parents and a daughter. The daughter is lonely, and cannot accept that Borrowers and big people cannot be friends. The books are well written, and the family goes through an amazing series of adventures in The Borrowers AfieldThe Borrowers Afloat, and The Borrowers Aloft. In 1982, Ms. Norton wrote another volume, The Borrowers Avenged, but I have not read that book.

I have not see the John Goodman film, so I have no opinion on it—other than I am almost always bitterly disappointed at the complete incompetence of filmmakers trying to make even a decent movie out of great kid books. However, there was a wonderful episode of Chicago Public Radio's This American Life about these books that is well worth listening to.

7. Best Award for Bestest Body of Work: Roald Dahl.

I feel like an idiot even listing Mr. Dahl--that’s like saying ocean water has a salty flavor or that the sun is on the warm side. What do I mean? I was talking to one of my neighbors about children’s literature, and my neighbor told me her daughter had read everything Mr. Dahl had written—so far as my neighbor knew. “Oh yeah?” I said, and turning to the daughter in question, and asked her which was the better story: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or The Great Glass Elevator? This child paused, and said “That is a very difficult question.” Indeed it is.

Just my personal opinion: any parent who does not provide their children with copies of BOTH Charlie and the Chocolate Factory AND the sequel, The Great Glass Elevator, should be immediately reported to Children’s Protective Services. Again—forget the movies, both books are just great reads. 

Ms. Irish McCalla. Nobody--and I really
do mean nobody--could look better
after falling down than Ms. McCalla.
I am not familiar with Mr. Dahl’s complete oeuvre, having never read The WitchesMatilda, and have said BFD too many times to read any book named The BFG—but those books all receive positive reviews from people I trust ie kids. I did read James and the Giant Peach, and have to tell you as a tribute to Mr. Dahl’s writing and story telling, I enjoyed the story--while being creeped out by the giant insects. 

Where Mr. Dahl really shines, though, is in his poetry. Now, I am poetry clod from the word odd. For example, I don’t care for ee cummings—because I don’t get it. I not being snobby here; just stupid. So understand that when I tell you that Revolting Rhymes is one of the best books I have ever read, Mr. Dahl has accomplished the impossible. Revolting Rhymes is a retelling of schmaltzy fairy tales, in the spirit of Rocky and Bullwinkle’s Fractured Fairy Tales (ask your grandparents). For example, the “dwarfs” in Snow White are all retired jockeys, who lose their money betting on horse racing. Snow White steals the magic mirror, which the dwarfs use to pick the winners of horse races. The story concludes: “Gambling’s not a sin/Provided that you always win.”

8. The Where You Stand Depends on Where You Sit Award: The True Story of The Three Little Pigs, by A. Wolf, by Jon Scieszka

This is one of my favorite books, period. Mr. Scieszka's book is a re-telling of the story of the Three Little Pigs, but told by the Big Bad Wolf, from his jail cell. Alexander T. (for “The”) Wolf’s story is a brilliant example of an unreliable narrator, with bizarre rationales as to why the wolf had to go to the Pigs’ houses. The destruction of the houses made of straw and twigs are easily explained accidents, with the deaths of the pigs mere happenstance. The Wolf equates his eating the pigs with the reader finding a cheeseburger, sitting there on the floor ready to be eaten.

I gave this book to a friend of mine, who later told he she had to tell her son the book was “lost,” because after reading it to her son every day for over two months, she had to find something else to read, or risked losing her mind.

Unfortunately, not all of Mr. Scieszka's books are as good. For example, I love the premise of The Stinky Cheese Man, but found the story disappointing.

9. How to Have Children Do What They Don’t Want to Do Award:Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and Don’t Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late, by mo williams

My first marriage came as a package set, with a five year old boy and an eight year old girl. I had not spent any time around kids, and was completely flabbergasted to discover my stepson flatly refused to believe in the concept of linear time, as well as cause and effect. For this five year old, life was one endless series of random phenomena—and it was great! Unfortunately, I had no language to communicate pretty much anything to someone embracing that philosophy. Nothing I said made the slightest sense to him—and that was okay too. Well, okay for him. I lost my mind—but we digress.

Ms. Diana Dors. You can tell this is
really a dirty picture: Ms. Dors not 
only has pulled both feet off the floor,
but she is also smoking.
mo williams’s books introduce both a bad pigeon, and the concept of breaking the “fourth wall.” Each of his books begins with a narrator telling the reader that the narrator has to leave the story, and asks the reader to “help” the narrator—for example, by not letting the pigeon drive the bus (or stay up late). As soon as the narrator leaves, the pigeon appears, and uses every kid argument ever to try and convince the reader to allow the pigeon to stay up late (or drive the bus). At the end, the narrator reappears, thanking the reader for not letting the pigeon drive the bus (or stay up late).

If I had those books back in the day, telling my stepson “Don’t let the pigeon drive the bus” would have made sense to him—as opposed to “Don’t climb the ladder. You might fall off and crack your head open, because that’s what happened last time,” which was just a meaningless murmur in the wind.

Unfortunately, not all of Mr. Williams’s books are as good as these two. I was particularly disappointed with The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog. My advice is to read the books before you buy them.

10. The Best Book with the Worst Movie Award: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, by Ian Fleming

This book is just an enigma. Another one of my favorite books as a kid, I was completely shocked by the Disney adaptation, starring Dick Van Dyke. What the film shared with the book was 1) the title and 2) the main character restored an old car. I remember being so outraged at the time—I was sure it was somehow illegal (not just immoral) to produce a film CLAIMING to be about a book, but having nothing to do with the actual STORY. Perhaps fortunately, I lacked the ability to explain this to my dad (who had taken my sisters and me to the movie—one of the rare times we saw a film inside a theater), because no good can come from conservations like that.

Ms. Ursula Andress. "What do you 
mean 'he's not available'? Who?
Absolutely not. Out of the question.
What? Oh alright. Put him on. 
Hello? Is this Dr. Maybe?"
Moreover, Mr. Fleming is widely known for having written the James Bond novels, which are notorious for flat, dull, and insipid writing. So what happened here? Who cares—this book’s a great read.

In this story, the father buys and restores a wrecked car, and as part of the restoration, the car develops consciousness (but in a good way. Not like Sky-Net, in the Terminator movies). The family is surprised to discover the car can not only communicate (sort of), but also fly and travel as a form of hovercraft over water. Just for kicks, the family (who lives in England) decides to go to France. This is just another great story about a family. Sure, they have a flying car that’s also a sentient being—but the main point still is this is a good story about a family.

11. The You Sure Put Us In Our Place Award: Aliens for Breakfast, by Jonathan Etra

I need to give credit to my mother for this book. When my stepson started school, he just decided that he was not going to learn to read. No special reason why not; he certainly was capable. He just didn’t see any need for reading. Again, I was completely baffled.

(from l to r): Not George W. Bush, Not
Richard "Dick" Cheney, Not Donald
Henry Rumsfeld.
My mother, on the other hand, responded by trying to find books that my stepson would like. While I don’t recall my stepson particularly liking this book, it remains one of my favorites—right up there with Gilbert Shelton’s The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers. But again, we digress.

Aliens for Breakfast begins with a boy who wishes he was popular—like the new kid in his class. Unfortunately, the new kid is a space alien, preparing to take over the planet. The main character discovers this fact, when he’s eating a new cereal, and the “prize” turns out to be a miniature “Space Ranger.” The Space Ranger explains to the boy how earth is in danger, and the boy has to help. Why? Because there are so many planets in the universe, and so many species attacking each planet, the Space Patrol budget only allows about eighty cents per planet needing to be saved. Consequently, the Space Rangers have to travel “fourth class” inside boxes of cereal.

There are at least two other books in this series, named (predictably) Aliens for Lunchand Aliens for Dinner. I was disappointed with Aliens for Lunch (the story just wasn’t interesting), and have not tried to read Dinner. But Aliens for Breakfast rocks (IMHO, as we said back in the day). 

La Belle Holly Golightly. Breakfast
at Tiffany's is one of the very few
examples where both the book
and the film are excellent, each in
their own way.
12. The cf Sorry Rabbit: Trix are for Kids Award: The Garfield cartoon series, by Jim Davis

Don’t get me wrong: I love the comics. Pretty much all comics. But I hate Garfield. Just my personal opinion, but I think Garfield is boring, repetitive, and the art is terrible. And while I am not proud of this, just to give you perspective: I still laugh out loud at Blondie. 

Kids (as a rule) think Garfield is hilarious. I’ll never understand why. If you know a kid who won’t read, or has trouble reading, based on my experience—they will read Garfield cartoons, before they’ll read anything else.

But because of my strong aversion to Garfield, I’d suggest (if you can) taking your problem reader to your local bookstore, and having the kid look at not only Garfield, but also Baby Blues, MAD Magazine collections, Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes—anything. But based on my experience, they will invariably be entranced by that stupid cat. Buy the damn book anyway. You can always have the book covered in a plain, brown wrapper, so you can everyone you’re buying porno (that’s what I do).

13. The “What Are You? A Hundred?” Award: The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame

I’m sorry—but there is a reason why this book is on every baby boomer’s favorite reading list: the writing is wonderful. A few years ago, I was listening to National Public Radio when author Daniel Pinkwater and Journalist Scott Simon were trashing the Walt Disney empire. Now, I hate Walt Disney for reasons too silly to go into just now, so Mr. Simon and Mr. Pinkwater had my attention. The specific focus of the Pinkwater-Simon ire was the Disney “adaptation” of The Hunchback of Notre Dame into a “children’s” book, based on the crappy Disney film. Mr. Pinkwater was particularly incensed over the fact that “bad books” by Disney were pushing “good books” out of the market. By way of illustration, Simon and Pinkwater read an excerpt from the Disney version of Victor Hugo’s classic. The writing was just boring. Boring—that’s all you can say. In contrast, they opened The Wind and the Willows to a random page, and just picked a few sentences. There is a reason why this Kenneth Grahame classic has legs: the writing is fun. 

The Garfield conundrum notwithstanding, even more than “adult” books, kids demand (and deserve) good writing.

Speaking of which…

Ms. Cleo Moore, one of the greatest
scream queens of her--or any other
--time. You'd scream too, if you had
to wear something like this to go
swimming.
14. The Weirdest Story That Still Works Award: Lizard Music, by Daniel Pinkwater

Disclosure time: I love Daniel Pinkwater. And while some of his books are better than others, I still love all his books—if only because he wrote them.

But even Mr. Pinkwater will tell you that his best book is Lizard Music, the first book he wrote. What’s Lizard Music about? If I tried to tell you, you wouldn’t believe me. But no matter; it’s a damn good book.

15. The Dag! Don’t You Read any New Books? Award: Olivia Saves the Circus, by Ian Falconer

This is another cheesy pick, because everyone knows and loves this book. This book (which I feel is easily the best of the “Olivia” books) is a good story with the central character a girl (granted, a girl pig—but it still counts), who describes a wild adventure during “Show & Tell” at school. The artwork also deserves special praise. Besides--all little girls are the Queen of the Trampoline.

16. Multiculturalism Award For Something Probably Only I Think is Award-Winning Multiculturalism: The Cat in the Hat in English and Spanish, by Dr. Seuss (translated by Carlos Rivera)

Not just another boomer icon, the Cat in the hat is unquestionably The Man. Much as I love that book (I even love the far weaker The Cat in the Hat Comes Back), I was stunned when I first saw the edition with English on the left hand page, and Spanish translation on the right hand page. 

Again: this is just my personal opinion, but I think you can say things in Spanish that are just plain wilder and more fun than they sound in English. For example—just my personal opinion—but while Fidel Castro’s speeches are inspiring in Spanish, I think they sound kind of dumb in English. So for me, reading The Cat in the Hat in Spanish just gives the book more flavor. 

I don’t know how to explain this without sounding culturally demeaning, or implying that The Cat is Mexico’s answer to Lincoln Perry’s Stepin Fetchit. I am saying nothing of the sort. What I am saying is that reading the story in English, I think a body jumps up and down on a beach ball, while balancing a fish bowl on the end of an umbrella, just because you can. It’s a test of skill. But in Spanish--for me, you jump up and down on the beach ball (balancing a fishbowl on the end of an umbrella), because there is no reason why you shouldn’t: Why WOULDN’T you choose to squeeze every bit of joy you can out of life? So what if the person jumping happens to be a talking cat wearing an outlandish hat? The point is, you don’t live your life by half measures—even if you need a strange cat to tell you.

I am also enamored with the P.D. Eastman classic Are You My Mother? (Eres Tu Mi Mama?)—despite the fact that Spanish version does not call the steam shovel “Snort”—which is just unforgiveable.

Ms. Barbara Nichols. 
That's Good!
That's Bad! 
That's . . . oh, nevermind.
17. Weird Books Because I am a Weird Guy Award: That's Good! That's Bad! in the Grand Canyon, by Margery Cuyler

There are a series of these books, but I have only read the one about the Grand Canyon. The premise of the stories is a little boy has an adventure on one page, and at the end of the page, the narrator concludes "...and that's bad." But you turn the page, and the narrator says "No, that's good!" and goes on to explain why that's good. So that page ends with with the statement "...and that's good." Of course, you turn the page, and the narrator says "No, that's bad!" With a new adventure every page for thirty odd pages, each adventure that seems good is is actually bad, and vice versa--this is one weird book. I like it!

18. The It's Bad Enough You're a Nerd--Now You Want Kids to Be Nerds Too? Award: MEANWHILE... and A Barrel of Laughs, A Vale of Tears, both by Mr. Jules Feiffer

Go ahead. Call me names. I don't care. I love Jules Feiffer. I love him when he is smart ( Jules Feiffer's America, from Eisenhower to Reagan). I love him when he's stupid (Tantrum). How could I not love his kids' books?

MEANWHILE...is about a boy who discovers he can change his reality, just by using the device MEANWHILE made famous in comic books. A Barrel of Laughs, A Vale of Tears is about a Prince who goes on a long quest that has both--well, you know.

19. A Moron Says What? Award: Mad Libs, by Roger Price and Leonard Stern

I wanted to have at least one pick that was off the beaten path, and this is about as far off reservation as I'm likely to wander. For those of your fortunate enough not to know what Mad Libs are, they are a brief story with several key words left out. A person is the writer, who asks the guesser (I don't know what the titles actually are) to name a verb (for example). Or an adjective. An adverb. The name of a boy in the room. The name of a girl in the room. (You get the idea). The guesser has no idea what the title or "theme" of the story is, until the very end. The "writer" then announces the "theme" or title of the story, and reads the story with all the words suggested by the talker. If this does not sound like much fun--it's not.

Ms. Diana Rigg. This was not one of
Mrs. Peel's better days.
Still, back in the proverbial day, Mad Libs were considered big fun, and flooded my alma matter, Halecrest Elementary. I recall Mr. Wright, our poor six grade teacher, trying to no avail to discourage the use of "stupid" and its many permutations for an adjective. However, while I was a frequent witness to said big fun, I don't recall ever filling the writer or guesser roles. Why? Mainly because I never thought the finished stories were all that funny, and decided it was not worth over coming my considerable shyness to participate (No doubt everyone who has ever had share the dead albatross of my personality in a graduate level class is sneering "liar!" but it is true: I was not born saying things like "See, e.g., Your MOTHER!" Nor was it always the case that any trifecta ticket for asshole bingo that didn't feature my name prominently was money wasted. Incidentally, if you don't know what "asshole bingo" is, don't bother going to Wikipedia. Believe it or don't--there is no entry for "asshole bingo." Instead, do a google search. You'll find all the help you need).

So, if I thought then (and still do today) that Mad Libs were just a boring and stupid fad (despite lasting for COUGH COUGH years), why I am I listing them as recommended books for kids? Because if you think I learned what the difference between an adverb and an adjective is by memorizing some rote phrase about "modifying"--guess again. I learned more about parts of speech by watching others playing Mad Libs than I ever learned from big fat books ostensively on "English."

To sum up: if you love your children's command of grammar more than your own sanity (Let's go parents: Stand and Deliver!), don't rely on the idiocy of your children's acquaintances (like my parents did. They were just lucky, end of story), pony up a few bucks for Mad Libs (and a few more for extra strength Excedrin), and just keep telling yourself how proud you'll be, when little Scooter grows up and starts kicking ass and taking names in AP English.

Ms. Jane Russell. Remember what I
keep saying about Ms. Russell
knowing how to always look good,
no matter how weird or ugly the
setting? Some outfits can tax the
talents of even the pros.
20. The Special Books for Good Readers—Or Books I Think That Are Good For Reading Aloud (Not that I’ve Ever Done It) Award: Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation, by Olivia Judson; A Man on the Moon, by Andrew Chaikin

I first heard Ms. Judson on National Public Radio (pretty much everything I know, I had to learn from NPR). She is (apparently) a very talented evolutionary biologist—but so what? She’s a hilarious writer. This book is written in the form of advice of the lovelorn, with praying mantises, fig wasps, dolphins, etc etc all writing to “Dr. Tatiana” about strange behaviors. For example, the female praying mantis signs her letter “I Like ‘Em Headless in Lisbon.”

Is this book porno? No (despite the fact the cover features a drawing of two beetles copulating—there are no other pictures). The bottom line is this book is a well-written and interesting book on nature. And is very funny.

Now, if you haven’t told your kids about the proverbial birds & bees, will this book help break that ice? I have no idea, and (trust me on this) my guess is much worse than yours. I will say that I first gave my niece this book when she was in junior high (and while she will hotly deny it), she found the subject matter too “embarrassing,” and put the book aside until she was in high school—and became much more interested in the “nature” aspect than the “sex.”

I am a child of Apollo. My generation thought I Dream of Jeannie was a documentary (except for the “genie” part). A friend of mine runs away every time she sees me, because I always (and I do mean always) tell that same old, tired story about how when we were in the fourth grade, I was certain sure she was going to grow up and be a honcho at NASA. Why? Because out of the entire class, only she and one other girl were able to take home a piece of paper with dittoed math problems, solve the problems, and bring the paper back to school the following day (that particular skill continues to elude me). 

Not a head honcho at NASA.
My point is the Space Race is (both then and now) just a great story—especially when it is divorced from the hideous Cold War rhetoric.

You’d think having such great material would make writing a snap—but you’d be wrong. Bad books about Apollo are called “legion,” for they are many. Andrew Chaikin’s 1994 classic, on the other hand, is a wonderful book that summarizes all the Apollo missions, and includes charming pictures of great characters, like Charlie Duke, John Young, Alan Bean--big bang the whole gang. I was especially moved by the stories of the later moon flights: Apollo 15, 16 and 17.

Are there books out there with more information? Sure. If you’re trying to be king of the moon geology nerds, there’s Don E. WilhelmsTo a Rocky Moon. Despite (IMHO) Harrison Schmitt’s idiotic politics about the “private sector” paying for space flight, I enjoyed his Return to the Moon. Because of my own struggles with chronic depression, Buzz Aldrin’s books will always be my personal favorites. The best (as in “most informative”) single volume I’ve seen is Richard Orlof and David Harland’s Apollo, The Definitive Sourcebook. Finally, in the interests of full disclosure, I have not even looked at (nor saw the movie of) Tom Wolf’s book on the Mercury astronauts The Right Stuff (I just don’t like Tom Wolf, so you’ll have to ask someone else about that one). 

But if you’re looking for a ripping good story about Apollo, this is it. This is a long book (the text alone is almost 600 pages), but Mr. Chakin stays focused, and keeps the story moving. For example, had I written this book, there would be another hundred pages alone on the idiotic hypocrisy of the Nixon administration giving Apollo unqualified praise—and then cutting the final moon shots in the name of economy, despite the fact those trips to the moon would have been laughably inexpensive.

No—A Man on the Moon is about the excitement and sheer joy that was Apollo, and nothing more; if only because anything else would not add to (and probably detract from) the story.
Ms. Marlo Thomas. She can feel Mrs. Peel's pain. Back in the day, ingenues had to wear such giant eyelashes, they could hardly keep their eyes open. I thought they were all on the nod-- but that's just me.

* * * * * * * * * * *

As always: suggestions, comments, criticisms, and vicious personal attacks are not only welcome, but strongly encouraged. 

Ms. Trish Flanagan assisted in the creation of this story, but prefers to have her contribution remain anonymous.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sarah Palin and the Department of Law

Hear that lonesome Governor
She sounds too blue to rule -- aye.
The self-pity comes a' whining now,
She’s so hounded she could cry….

--Not a song by Hank Williams

Hunter S. Thompson titled the first volume of his selected works The Great White Shark Hunt, and dedicated it to Richard Milhouse Nixon, “who never let me down.” Usually, that’s a nice thing to say about someone, and there is a certain sense of gratitude behind Mr. Thompson’s somewhat snarky remark. After all, it must have been some comfort knowing that no matter what twisted and crazy thoughts he attributed to the Trickster, Mr. Thompson felt secure knowing the truth would prove to be even weirder than anything he could dream up. No doubt Mr. Thompson's spirit is pleased with the revelations from the newly released Nixon tapes, showing Nixon was even more vehemently anti-semitic, profane, and irrational in his drunken rages than anyone—even gonzo journalists—suspected.

Ms. Sophia Loren. If you asked her,
you just know she'd say "Holy crap!
Look at the pictures, and jump to 
the end. It's not worth it."
When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro

While fishing with the family on Monday July 6 2009 (What? Don’t most governors take a few days off immediately after giving their three week notice of resignation?), Governor “Spiro” Palin offered still more clairification as to why she abruptly resigned. The Anchorage Daily News reported that Governor Palin was set up to be the victim of a two-pronged attack: ethics complaints on the one hand, and politically ambitious legislators on the other. Together, they would have tag teamed the Governor’s office to the point of total paralysis: "Especially when all these lawmakers are lining up for office. Their desire would be to clobber the administration left and right so that they can position themselves for office. I'm not going to put Alaskans through that," Governor Palin is quoted.

Governor Palin’s July 3 2009 statement also emphasized the persistence of memory of ethics complaints had clocks melting all over the Governor’s office: “The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice . . . Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! . . . It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with THIS instead of progressing (sic) our state now (sic).”

If only she were White House Palin (title to be named later) instead of Governor Palin. Why? Because if Governor Palin were in the White House, she would be protected from frivolous ethics complaints by the Department of Law. As she said to ABC News’s Kate Snow, “I think on a national level, your department of law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we’ve been charged with, and automatically throw them out. And a moron says what."

Okay. I made up that last part.

But just for kicks cf Paul Revere & the Raiders, let’s give the Alaska Governor a Department of Law, and see in those fifteen ethics complaints would have been handled differently.

Mr. Jack Webb. Don't EVEN think of
handing him the wrong number of
ethics complaints you're facing--let
alone mischaracterizing their status.
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

All person having business before the Honourable, the Governor’s Department of Law of the State of Alaksa, are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Department is now sitting. God save Alaska and this Honourable Department. 

Or words to the effect.

From the Anchorage Daily News, here are the fifteen ethics complaints Governor Palin complains of.

1. July 28, 2008: Alaska lawmakers launched an investigation into whether Governor Palin abused her power when she fired Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan over his refusal to let go a state trooper involved in a contentious divorce with Palin's sister. 

This is actually two complaints, if not three. First, there are the allegations that Governor Palin used her official capacity for her personal interest in trying to have her ex-brother in law fired as a state trooper. Second, there were complaints that Husband Todd also used Governor Palin’s official capacity (a power he was not entitled to use) to further the same private interest. Finally, there is the complaint by former Public Safety Commissioner Monegan that he was fired by Governor Palin, for refusing to do something that Monegan believed illegal; specifically, firing Governor Palin’s ex-brother in law.

Held: Not automatically thrown out. The allegations against the Mr. and Governor Palin—if true—would in fact violate Alaska law. Additionally, if Commissioner Monegan were fired for refused to violate Alaska law, that could also violate Alaska law. 

Result in real life: Mr. Stephen Branchflower, a special counsel leading the investigation, concluded on Oct. 10 that Palin violated a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain. The firing itself was deemed lawful since Monegan was an at-will employee.

2. Aug. 6, 2008: Complaint alleges Governor Palin and some staff members used their influence to get Mr. Tom Lamal, who once co-hosted a Palin fundraiser, a job as a state surveyor. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. Complaint alleges that Mr. Lamal was hired not on merit, but because he raised money for the Governor. If true, could be a violation of Alaska law.

Result in real life: Dismissed by state personnel board, although the board's investigator recommended ethics training for one staffer who made questionable comments in e-mails.

Ms. Sophia Loren. What? Doesn't
everyone put on their opera gloves
before their dress?
3. Aug. 20, 2008: Complaint accuses Governor Palin of breaking election law by taking a public position on a mining ballot initiative days before the vote. 

Held: Automatically thrown out--maybe. I don’t know anything about Alaska election law, and what restrictions officials have on taking public positions. Department might defer to Alaska Public Offices Commission.

Result in real life: Rejected May 8 by the Alaska Public Offices Commission.

August 29, 2008: Governor Palin named GOP vice presidential candidate, political operatives swarm.

4. Sept. 2, 2008: Governor Palin files a "self-disclosure" with the state personnel board over the Troopergate affair, saying a state legislative probe had become too political. 

Held: Um…Not automatically thrown out? If Governor Palin filed this complaint against herself, I’m guessing she did not want the complaint to be dismissed.

Result in real life: On Nov. 3 (the day before the election) Mr. Timothy Petumenos, a lawyer hired by the board, said that Palin violated no ethics laws when she fired Commissioner Monegan.

5. Sept. 3, 2008: Complaint by the Public Safety Employees Association alleged Palin or her staff had unauthorized access to, and improperly disclosed information from, personnel records of Trooper Mike Wooten, Palin's ex-brother-in-law. Complaint was later amended to include an allegation of harassment. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. The allegations by the Union, if true, would be a violation of Alaska law.

Held in real life: The PSEA's allegations were investigated alongside Palin's filing and dismissed.

Ms. Anita Eckberg. Not everyone can 
wear heels at the beach.
6. Oct. 13, 2008: Former Public Safety Commissioner Monegan asked the board for a hearing to clear his name. 

Held: Automatically thrown out. Apparently, the panel has no jurisdiction to give Commissioner Monegan the relief he is seeking.

Result in real life: Mr. Petumenos, in his Nov. 3 Troopergate report to the panel, said there was no legal basis or jurisdiction for such a hearing.

7. Oct. 23, 2008: Complaint with the Federal Election Commission (FEC), alleging the $150,000-plus designer wardrobe the Republican Party bought to outfit Governor Palin in her vice presidential quest violated Federal Election Campaign Act. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. First, this was a complaint to the FEC, and the imaginary Alaska Governor’s Department of Law has no authority to order the FEC to dismiss complaints. Second, the allegations (if true) would violate the Federal Election Campaign Act, because donor money cannot be used for personal expenses.

Result in real life: The FEC ruled May 19 that party money is not covered by the ban.

8. Oct. 24, 2008: Complaint alleges Governor Palin abused her power by charging the state when her children traveled with her. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. If true, the allegation would be a violation of Alaska law.

Result in real life: The personnel board found no wrongdoing, but in a Feb. 23 settlement Palin agreed to reimburse the state about $10,000 for costs associated with 10 trips found to be of questionable state interest among 72 travel authorizations studied.

Ms. Jane Russell. Like I said before, no
matter how stupid, Ms. Russell could
make anything look almost normal.
9. Nov. 14, 2008: Complaint accuses Governor Palin of partisan "post-election damage control" for talking to reporters about the campaign in her state office. 

Held: Automatically thrown out, but without prejudice. Alaska law prohibits use of state facilities for campaigning for office. If the complaint is amended to list how Governor Palin's actions could be considered “campaigning,” then this may be a valid compaint. 

Result in real life: Dismissed by state personnel board March 23.

10. Dec. 2, 2008: Alleged Palin violated ethics law by campaigning for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. 

Held: Automatically thrown out (probably). I don’t know the specifics of Alaska law, and what limits there are on campaigning for out of state candidates. I’m just guessing here, but unless there was an allegation that Governor Palin was using state resources to campaign for Senator Saxby (and there does not appear to be), then I doubt there is a valid complaint. If there is such an allegation, though, I’m going to defer to the state personal board.

Result in real life: Dismissed by state personnel board March 23.

11. Dec. 18, 2008: Complaint contended Palin misused funds of the Alaska Seafood Marketing Institute, a quasi-government entity, to promote her political ambitions with ads featuring her, thus violating ethics law. The ads promoting Alaska seafood ran in the National Fisherman last year through November. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. Probably. This is another tricky one, because I don’t know anything about Alaska law. However, the allegations (again, if true) sound to me like they could be a violation of ethics laws. The key (I’m guessing) is what funds were used, and how those moneys were spent. 

Result in real life: Dismissed Jan. 12 after a personnel board investigation determined Palin's only involvement was to give permission to use her image long before she was named McCain's running mate. 

Pretty much just as I predicted!

Not Edna Birch.
12. Jan. 12, 2009: Complaint alleging interference in a job hiring was filed under the name of Edna Birch, a busybody character on the British soap opera "Emmerdale." Palin's attorney, Thomas Van Flein, said no one by that name could be found living in Alaska and the filer refused to use a real name.

Held: Automatically thrown out. Complainant failed to appear to pursue claim. Department does note, however, that the Department has never even heard of either Emmerdale or Edna Birch, and wishes the Complainant had used the name “Mrs. Emma Peel,” as Ms. Diana Rigg’s hotness would lend the allegations considerable gravitas. 

Result in real life: Complaint was dismissed Feb. 20.

13. and 14. Jan. 26, 2009: Two complaints allege two of Governor Palin's top aides misused their positions for Palin's personal and political gain. Specifically, then-press secretary Bill McAllister and Kris Perry (director of the governor's Anchorage office) worked on state time to benefit Palin's interests during and after her vice presidential quest. 

Held: Neither complaint is automatically thrown out, as allegations do state a violation of law.

Result in real life: The complaint against Perry was dismissed June 17. The complaint against McAllister is pending.

15. March 18, 2009: Complaint alleges Governor Palin improperly used state staff, property, time and equipment for partisan political purposes. One of the grievances cited was Palin's posting of her veep candidacy on the official state governor's Web site: http://gov.state.ak.us/archive.php?id=1439&type=1

Held: Crap. Let’s say automatically thrown out, without prejudice. I need more information about what were the specific allegations about state money spent for campaigning, and whether Governor Palin’s posting her candidacy on a state web site is “campaigning” under Alaska law. 

Result in real life: Dismissed by personnel board May 27 as lacking merit.

Ms. Elizabeth Taylor. She got tired of
wading through the laundry list of
complaints, so she decided to hit the
beach. She advises you to do the
same.
16. March 24, 2009: Alleges conflict of interest by Governor Palin, because she wore Arctic Cat logo gear during the Tesoro Iron Dog snowmobile race. Palin's husband, Todd, was sponsored by Arctic Cat in the race. 

Held: Automatically thrown out—probably. I need more information. To avoid automatic throwing out, the complaint would have to allege that Governor Palin used her official capacity to actively promote Arctic Cat for personal gain. If that is the substance of the complaint, then there is no throwing out automatically.

Result in real life: Dismissed June 2.

17. April 22, 2009: Alleges that the work of Governor Palin's political action committee violated two provisions of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act, by misusing her official position and the Governor accepting employment outside the state. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out—probably. Again, this requires more knowledge of Alaska law than I have, but it sounds like the allegations would in fact be a violation of state law. I would defer to the state personal board.

Result in real life: Dismissed as lacking merit by state personnel board May 8.

18. April 27, 2009: Alleges that Governor Palin is misusing the governor's office for personal gain by securing unwarranted benefits, and receiving improper gifts through the Alaska Fund Trust. Supporters established this fund to help Governor Palin pay legal bills. 

Held: Not automatically thrown out. The state and federal regulations surrounding PACs, and how can spend their money is far beyond the expertise of any imaginary Department of Law. If there is even the remotest substance to the complaint, automatic throw out would not be appropriate. 

Result in real life: Complaint pending.

Ms. Sophia Loren. She fits nice in most
chairs.
19. April 31, 2009: Complaint alleges that Governor Palin either knew or should have known she was lying when she claimed in her July 3, 2009 statement that “all 15 of the ethics complaints” against her have been “dismissed,” because she “won.” The actual number of complaints is greater than fifteen, she has in fact “lost” some of the complaints, and others are still pending.

Held: Department of Law recuses itself, because of the close ties between Department members and Samsara Samizdat, the Complainant. 

Result in real life: Dismissed for lack of jurisdiction. The state personal board lacks legislative authority to rule on imaginary complaints filed by imaginary people on imaginary dates.

20. June 31, 2009: Complaint alleges Governor Palin failed to disclose to state and federal authorities (including but not limited to the Internal Revenue Service) that all or some part of the 2002 construction of her Wasilla home was given to her or her family, in the form of goods and/or services, by contractors and/or subcontractors of the Wasilla Sports Complex, because it just does not seem credible that her fisherman husband and a few friends could have built a two-story 3,450 square foot home—despite the fact that even MENTIONING it is considered re-publication of defamatory material without answering to it in a court of law or being responsible for the abuse of right to free speech under the Alaska Constitution and continuing to publish what Mr. Thomas Van Flein believes to be falsehoods of criminal activity (just his personal opinion) is reckless, done without any regard for the truth, and is actionable.

Held: Department of Law recuses itself, because of the close ties between Department members and Samsara Samizdat, the Complainant. 

Result in real life: Dismissed for lack of jurisdiction. The state personal board lacks legislative authority to rule on imaginary complaints filed by imaginary people on imaginary dates .

Ethics complaints to the left! Legislators
to the right! Here I am: stuck in the
middle with my (unspecified) Higher 
Power. Well, it sounds better with the music.
And the Winner is…………….

Adding up the results, there are a total of twenty-one ethics complaints, two of which do not count, because they are imaginary. I am splitting the first complaint into two parts: a) Governor and Mr. Palin’s abuse of authority, and b) the firing of Commissioner Monegan:

Motion to Automatically Throw Out granted
3. Public position on mining ballot initiative
6. Commissioner Monegan’s request for hearing to clear his name
9. Talking to reporters in State offices
10. Campaigning for Senator Saxby
12. Not hiring “Edna Birch”
15. Posting news of nomination to vice president on State web site
16. Wearing Arctic Cat logo

Complaint dismissed after investigation
1. (b) Firing of Commissioner Monegan
4. “Self Disclosure” filing on firing Commissioner Monegan
5. Improper disclosure of Trooper Wooten personnel information
7. FEC complaint re $150,000 worth of clothes
11. Ad for Alaska Seafood Marketing Institute
14. Kris Perry using official capacity for Governor Palin’s personal gain
17. PAC violated Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act

Resolution of complaint pending
13. Press secretary McAllister using official capacity for Governor Palin’s personal gain
18. Misuse of official capacity with Governor Palin’s PAC

Violation of law found
1(a) – Abuse of Governor’s official capacity, by both Sarah and Todd Palin, regarding efforts to have State Trooper Wooten fired
2. Hiring of Mr. Tom Lamal as state surveyor
8. Charging State for children’s travel 

Products of a diseased imagination
19. Governor Palin lied when she claimed she had won all fifteen complaints against her
20. Who on earth built and paid for that house in Wasilla?

While the imaginary Alaska Department of Law automatically threw out seven of the nineteen complaints, I cannot imagine that any objective observer would think that the seven complaints that were dismissed after investigation did not merit further study. They were far from frivolous—with the possible exception of the Seafood Marketing ad. I needed more information about that complaint, as well as the Arctic Cat logo controversy (which was automatically thrown out). Between the two, I think I split the proverbial baby: one in, one out.

Ms. Colleen Miller. What? Doesn't
everyone takes their clothes off to
read the mail?
More importantly, contrary to Governor Palin’s claims, she has not “won” all the complaints lodged against her. For example, two complaints are still pending. Second, while reasonable minds can differ as to whether charging the children’s travel to the state was a “violation,” I will argue there was a finding of fault. While no violation was found, Governor Palin did reimburse the State for $10,000, after ten of the seventy-two trips reviewed were found to be of “questionable state interest.” Additionally, for the complaint regarding hiring Governor Palin fundraiser Mr. Tom Lamal, at least one person on the Governor's staff needed "special training" in the State's ethics law. That certainly does not mean the original complaint was frivolous. 

However, there is no debate that both Mr. and Governor Palin violated state ethics law, using Governor Palin’s official capacity for personal gain, when they tried to get their ex-brother in law fired.

All in all, I don't think an active Department of Law (with the power to Automatically Throw Out Complaints) would have made any difference.

Well--Yeah, But........

Here's one more point I find troubling. Governor Palin insists that both she and her office are wholly overwhelmed by these complaints, to the point Alaska is ungovernable. These nineteen complaints do not strike me as exactly insurmountable, especially over a one year period. And is dealing with these ethical complaints more time consuming than--let's just say--running for vice president of the United States?

To be fair, Governor Palin says both the ethics complaints and anticipated attacks from ambitious legislators are what keeps her from governing as governor. But what state Governor isn't getting bird dogged by their legislature? Especially now, with many states (like Alaska) facing horrific budget shortfalls (like 1.35 billion, or 30% of the state's entire budget).
Ms. Diana Rigg. "What did I tell you about asking me who paid for and built my house?"

It just seems there is something else going on here...But you know me: I LIVE to re-publicate defamatory material without answering to it in a court of law or being responsible for the abuse of right to free speech under the Alaska Constitution and continuing to publish falsehoods of criminal activity recklessly without any regard for the truth which some people threaten as being actionable.

But I'm just saying here. No, I mean right here.

Mr. Karstan Lovorn also contributed to this note, but specifically asked not to be mentioned.

Palin's Enemies List

Palin and Her Enemies
A New York Times column by Ross Douthat

I have no doubt my friend Bob will be as disappointed as anyone that The Bob Rule remains in effect. As Bob told me twenty odd years ago: to be a successful politician, you have to have only one thing, and that’s absolutely no sense of self-consciousness or embarrassment

Ms. Jayne Mansfield. You don't want to
know how much time I spent agonizing
over which picture of Ms. Mansfield I
would use to lead this article.
For example, during Clinton administration, notoriously successful politician Senator Orrin Hatch spent all his time and efforts trying to block every single appointment to the federal bench. Then, George W. Bush becomes President, and nominates a series judicial candidates that are flatly unqualified. When members of the Judiciary Committee start to take issue with some (but not all) of these nominees, Senator Hatch rents his garments at the unfairness of it all. How DARE anyone block these poor candidates from getting a vote on the Senate floor? And nary a blush touches the Senator’s cheek through all the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

The Politics of Poopy Heads

A reoccurring theme in Governor Palin’s both spoken and written apologia as to why she is unable to govern was the “politics of personal destruction.” Governor Palin’s career was destroyed by “political operatives” (cue the theme from Mission: Impossible!) who kept filing frivolous ethics complaints against her. Answering those complaints took up all the Governor’s time and money. Not to mention, it was just plain low down and mean.

NY Times conservative columnist Ross Douthat put it this way in his July 6 2006 column: 

Here are the lessons of the Sarah Palin experience, for any aspiring politician who shares her background and her sex. Your children will go through the tabloid ringer. Your religion will be mocked and misrepresented. Your political record will be distorted, to better parody your family and your faith. And a moron says what.


Mr. Ross Douthat. We are unable to
confirm nor deny whether the quote
"Damn it, Samsara Samizdat...stop 
writing about me...!" attributed to Mr.
Douthat, is genuine.
So I made up that last part. But come on--has Mr. Douthat been living in solitary confinement in a North Korean prison since 1988? What on earth has been said to or about Governor Palin (or her children) that even comes close to the vitriol and scorn poured on Hillary Clinton’s head? I don’t watch much television, but I’m pretty sure I’d have heard about it if someone had called one of the Palin daughters “the Juneau Statehouse Dog.” 

Has there been a considerable effort to accuse Governor Palin of murder, following the suicide of one of her friends, as happened to Secretary Clinton, following the death of Vince Foster? 

Has Sarah Palin had to spend years defending against truly frivolous actions, the likes of Whitewater, “Filegate” (over misplaced files in the White House), or “Travelgate” (the firing of the White House travel agents)? 

Have the “liberal bloggers” Governor Palin complains of launched a wholly frivolous lawsuit, as a naked, personal attack on her and the Governor’s office, as did the individuals behind Paula Jones’s suit against President Clinton?

Has Sarah Palin had to face an “independent” counsel like Ken Starr, who wrote a “report” about sexual acts between consenting adults, pointedly including details that were irrelevant to any ethical or legal violations, but were included solely to embarrass President Clinton?

Is there anyone, with any kind of platform, that has said about Governor Palin what Michael Savage has said about Secretary Hillary Clinton? (Admittedly, I try to be that mean—but poser that I am, I’m just not in Mr. Savage’s league).

Did anyone at a rally for President Obama yell that Governor Palin was a “terrorist,” and that someone should “kill” her? At one rally, it was Senator McCain—and not Governor Palin—who finally stood up and said that then Senator Obama was a “good American,” and not some fifth columnist for a totalitarian Islamic theocracy. 

No, all the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune suffered by Governor Palin are not anything unusual (or even undeserved), and she has no business complaining about it.

Will the Real Sara Palin, Please Stand Up!

Ms. Anita Eckberg, demonstrating the
safe way to use a ladder while wearing
heels. Always good to know.
In his column, Mr. Douthat says “[i]f Palin were exactly what her critics believe she is—the distillation of every right-wing pathology, from anti-intellectualism to apocalyptic Christianity—then she wouldn’t be a terribly interesting figure. But this caricature has always missed the point of the Alaska governor’s appeal—one that extends well outside the Republican Party’s shrinking base.”

Critic that I am, OF COURSE I think Governor Palin is the distillation of every right-wing pathology, from anti-intellectualism to apocalyptic Christianity. But why do I think that? Because I’ve been paying attention to what Governor Palin says, that’s why. Maybe Mr. Douthat has some reason to suspect Governor Palin is lying when she says she is a fundamentalist Christian who believes her version of the Bible (in English) is the literal, infallible word of god (sic), that the world will end in cataclysmic fire on the Last Days, and that she believes in the Rapture, with Heaven for those who accept Jesus of Nazareth as the son of god and their personal savior, and Hell for everyone who doesn’t. I don’t know--she sounds sincere to me. Maybe she is just pretending--but I doubt it.

Yeah, I think that Governor Palin is “anti-intellectual,” and I would describe myself as “intellectual.” Admittedly, I am one snotty guy (and not just the booger kind). I actually own copies of Richard Hofstader’s Anti-Intellectualism in American Life;Dumbing Down, Essays on the Strip Mining of American CultureMilovan Djilas’s The New Class, and a set of the pre-revised Great Books of the Western World. Ya feel me? (So I watch “The Wire.” See “poser,” supra). 

When I say “Sarah Palin is an anti-intellectual,” this is what I mean: Governor Palin has a shallow grasp of politics, history, and culture. She is proud of that fact, and believes that having a broad grasp of those issues is a disadvantage, usually because people who have such knowledge risk losing their common sense. Why do I think that about Sarah Palin? Well, just because she doesn’t SAY nattering nabobs of negativism, you just know (in her heart) that’s what she means when she attacks the Unrepresentative Eastern Liberal Elitist Media Establishment (the UELEME).

Again, I am not the only person who thinks so. The Washington Post’s Anne Applebaum felt compelled to respond to Governor Palin’s July 4 2009 broadsideagainst the “main stream” (Palin’s phase) media. After noting that Governor Palin accuses “Washington and the Media” of being unable to understand her (Governor Palin’s) decision to resign, because “it’s about country,” Ms. Applebaum says

In other words, for the past nine months, Palin has avoided difficult questions, preferring Runner's World to another Katie Couric interview; she has dragged her family into the spotlight when it suited her (baby Trig was in Runner's World, too) and grown angry when the spotlight became too strong; she has eschewed reason and logic (not to mention spelling and grammar), yet reacted in horror when her critics were unreasonable and illogical in response. Then, after all that, she smugly asserts the right to decide who is a patriot and who is not. It's not about "country," in other words, it's about hypocrisy. And Sarah Palin is full of it.

Ms. Jane Russell. Howard Hughes may not have known about some things, but one thing he did know about was where to put the gun in movie posters.

Let’s just say that reasonable minds may differ to the extent my own responses to Governor Palin are “illogical" and/or "unreasonable,” but no one can deny Governor Palin couldn’t name then (and has not since) a single source of where she gets her “news,” she has refused to be interviewed by anyone not named Sean Hannity (or the equivalent thereof), and her statement explaining her resignation reads like it was written by a below average high school student. More importantly, the fact that Governor Palin is troubled by none of these things, that puts her firmly in the anti-intellectualism camp.

Forget Annette Funicello. Who All is in the Sarah Palin Fan Club?

Mr. Douthat cites a Pew poll, finding that 46 percent of “independents” and 48 percent of Americans without a college education have a favorable impression of Governor Palin. Mr. Douthat’s point is

Palin’s popularity has as much to do with class as it does with ideology. In this sense, she really is the perfect foil for Barack Obama. Our president represents the meritocratic ideal[:] that anyone, from any background, can grow up to attend Columbia and Harvard Law School and become the great American success story. But Sarah Palin represents the democratic ideal[:] that anyone can grow up to be a great success story without graduating from Columbia and Harvard . . . [S]he’s an essential democratic role[:] the ordinary citizen who takes on the elites, the up-by-your-bootstraps role embodied by politicians from Andrew Jackson to Harry Truman.


Ms. Anita Eckberg, perhaps in a
dramatization of what happens to 
Alaskan politicians who fail to properly
report gifts of residential construction.
Please note I said "perhaps," because
I just can't be sure.
No, Sarah Palin is not a Harry Truman or an Andrew Jackson, using bootstraps to pull herself up. Here’s the crucial difference: those people are able to show that they are just as good, just as smart, and just as capable as the “meritocratic elites,” despite not attending Harvard Law School or Columbia. For example, Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black represents the “democratic ideal” Mr. Douthat alludes to. Love him or hate him, Justice Black certainly knew his onions. But he took the hard way to get to the Supreme Court. At age 17, without a high school diploma or a college education, he enrolled in University of Alabama School of Law. Prior to his appointment to the Supreme Court, his only judicial experience was in 1911, when he was a “police court” judge for a year. But if you ever asked Justice Black what he read, he would not have said “let me get back to you about that.” Justice Black—and not Sarah Palin—represents what is best about social mobility in America.

I mentioned earlier that I am a snob, that I am an elitist. That means when I needed surgery, the fact a particular surgeon may have had a favorable approval rating with 48 percent of Americans without a college education, that meant less than nothing to me. I wanted a surgeon who had a favorable approval rating with people who knew about the surgery I needed. Why should I be any less demanding (and snobby) about the caliber of my political leadership? 

Ms. Jayne Mansfield. This was my other
choice for lead photo. In some ways,
it's a nicer photo, but the other picture
just felt more Jayne Mansfieldy to me.
Right, now, we are facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. On the one hand, we have Sarah Palin, armed with platitudes like “[e]nergy independence and national security, fiscal restraint, smaller government, and local control have been my priorities and will remain my priorities.” On the other hand, there is Paul Krugman, who writes a column for the NY Times. He’s also a professor of economics and international affairs at Princeton University, and won the 2008 Nobel Prize for economics. He says we need more stimulus ie lots more government spending. 

Now, just because Paul Krugman has the kind of “big fat resume” that Governor Palin was dismissive of after she was named the 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate, does that mean Paul is right and Sarah is wrong? Of course not. For example, one of America’s greatest physicists was William Shockley, who won the Nobel Prize for his invention of the transistor. Dr. Shockley, who died in 1989, was also (arguably) a committed racist. So, for questions about electrons and holes in semiconductors, Dr. Shockley has my attention. But for questions about eugenics—no, he is not The Man.

Still, not all opinions are created equal, nor do they all deserve equal consideration. Looking at both Dr. Krugman and Governor Palin, I am persuaded by Dr. Krugman. As for the fact that almost half of the population without a college education find Governor Palin’s economic analysis more persuasive, for me that is a cause of concern about America's non- college educated. That fact alone, however, does not give any credence to Governor Palin’s opinions.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

No, we just can’t. 

One of the themes of Mr. Douthat’s article is that while Governor Palin certainly shot herself in the foot numerous times, the elititists still treated her unfairly, because of her gender and social class.

Not a pusillanimous pussyfooter.
No we didn’t (What? Samsara Samizdat may originate from Oregon, but it is still part of the Unrepresentative Eastern Liberal Elitist Media Establishment (the UELEME). This blog is filled withhopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history. Moreover, I can be just as much a pusillanimous pussyfooter as anyone. And since it began in 2007, there has been over (kind of) 400 hits. That counts. IT COUNTS!).

In 1970, Nebraska Senator Roman Hruska carved his niche in history, when on the Senate floor, he defended President Nixon’s nomination to the Supreme Court of notoriously mediocre G. Harrold Carswell, by declaring “[e]ven if he is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they, and a little chance? We can't have all Brandeises, Frankfurters and Cardozos.” 

Sorry--but no: the mediocrities do not deserve even a little chance. And yes, weshould aspire to have all Brandeises and Cardozos. More importantly, the press has the responsibility to point out who is mediocre and who is Benjamin Cardozo, and not mince words.

Ms. Jayne Mansfield. Pictures of women
sitting on diving boards appeal to me.
I'm just weird that way.
If you think you’re qualified to be vice president (if not president), then either learn how to write a coherent sentence--or don’t whine about the people with the bad manners to point out that you can’t. As EJ Dionne said, “I understand that the standard rules of journalism require an on-the-one-hand-on-the- other-hand treatment of this event by way of finding some potential silver lining in all this for Palin. But I honestly believe there is no on-the-other-hand here.” He then goes on to quote some of the more nonsensical excerpts from Governor Palin’s press release. But what else should he do? Pretend not to notice Governor Palin’s inability to write? Or make up some “on the other hand” justification for Governor Palin’s behavior, because she is too incompetent to do so for herself? 

How on earth can Governor Palin claim to have been mistreated (absent The Bob Rule about not being embarrassed by anything)? In her statement, Governor Palin insists “[e]very one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won!” No, she didn’t “win” every one of the complaints. She is just wrong. At a minimum, Governor Palin has had to reimburse the State for some of her children’s travel expenses. Additionally, the state legislature concluded that Governor Palin did in fact abuse her powers, when she tried to get her ex-brother in law (the state trooper) fired. But who else besides Samsara Samizdat has had the bad manners to point that out?

Ms. Jane Russell. This was the famous 
picture I was looking for earlier. For
me, part of Ms. Russell's appeal is her
ability to look good--no matter how
idiotic the setting.
What would have happened to Dwight Eisenhower, if in 1958 he had written:

[I]t may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up”, but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quiter’s way out. And a problem in out country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow".

I’m not sure whether the responses would have been illogical and unreasonable, but you better believe they would have been pointed.

Eugene Robinson is absolutely correct when he takes Governor Palin to task for her assertion that “And (sic) though it's honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make.” Mr. Robinson asks:

"What is she talking about? Who are these "countless others" who supposedly have made the same decision to abandon governorships for no credible reason? The names don't come rushing to mind. Why is any criticism of Poor Little Sarah the result of the "different standard" that mean old "Washington and the media" always apply? Because blaming her favorite alleged persecutors allows her to ignore the bewildered reaction from her constituents in Alaska who are stunned and mystified at her decision to skip out."

More to the point, it is intellectually dishonest for “Washington and the media” to notreport that following her resignation, Governor Palin is either delusional or deliberately talking nonsense to hide something….like maybe (for instance) she just plain lacks the ability and wherewithal to be a Governor of even a small state. 

Or maybe (I'm just saying) Governor Palin is trying to dodge a civil (as opposed to criminal) investigation by the IRS (as opposed to the Department of Justice) that some or all of her 34,500 square foot house that was ostensively built by her fisherman husband and a few of his buddies was in fact given to her by some of the contractors who were awarded bids for construction of the Wasilla Sports Complex and the Palins “forgot” to include the gift as income on their income tax return or report it as a contribution which then Mayor Palin may have been required to do so by state and/or federal law.
Ms. Anita Eckberg. "Damn it! I WARNED you to stop asking me who paid for my house!"

Monday, July 6, 2009

Money for Nothing, and The Houses are Free!


Ms. Mamie Van Doren. As they say in the mystery stories: If you're building a house, you're going to want someone like her in the floor plans......

Yesterday, I wrote a long hissy fit about Governor Palin’s resignation and the allegations that she failed to disclose that she received for free some portion of the goods and services involved in building her Wasilla home. I had mentioned that Governor Palin’s attorney, Thomas Van Flein, had sent out a press release, supposedly addressing these allegations. The press release also included a ridiculous threat of legal action against anyone who “re-publishes (sic) the defamation.” Of course, I sprained both my ankles, diving for my computer to re-publish the defamation, because if there’s anything I love more than re-publishing defamation about Sarah Palin, I’m not aware of it.

What I did not have at the time was the complete text of Mr. Van Flein’s press release, so I made snarky comments on parts of the release that were quoted in the Associated Press article reporting the story.

Ms. Yvonne Craig. She was also Bat
Girl, but in an article dissecting lawyer-
speak in press releases, you really 
need to pull out all the stops.
Well, a close personal friend sent me a link to the complete release. Unfortunately for my friend (and everyone else), I now feel morally obligated to make snarky comments about the entire release (once again illustrating that old adage about no good deed goes unpunished). So here it is, courtesy of my newest close personal friend atThe Immoral Minority.

For those of you who don’t want to read all my snarky comments (which is pretty much everyone who does more than just look at the pictures), here is the bottom line. Either Governor Palin has a terrible lawyer who does not know how to write a press release (which I can’t imagine is the case), or there is some fire in all this smoke. Do I have any reason to think that the Palins’ personal house was illegally built with public funds? From what I have seen, no. Does it look like the Palins received some undisclosed benefits from the contractors who built the Wasilla Sports Complex? To me, there are just too many unanswered questions that are easy to answer. In my less than humble opinion, Mr. Van Flein’s statement is carefully written to answer all the questions people aren’t asking, and to carefully ignore all the questions Alaskans deserve answers to.

What follows is the text of Mr. Van Flein’s press release in italic and my snarky comments in bold. Afterwards, I have drafted a statement of the type I expect to see from the Palins. My sample release involves the remodel of my house, assuming I was facing the same type of accusations.


Ms. Carroll Baker. I can't be sure, but I
think she also played the Mexican girl
in Giant.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

July 4, 2009

On July 3rd, 2009, Governor Sarah Palin announced her intent to resign her gubernatorial duties and transfer the powers of Governor to Lt. Governor Sean Parnell.

Almost immediately afterwards, several unscrupulous people have asserted false and defamatory allegations that the "real" reasons for Governor Palin’s resignation stem from an alleged criminal investigation pertaining to the construction of the Wasilla Sports Complex.
 

Investigations are not always “criminal.” Ethical complaints are usually “civil” as opposed to “criminal.” Any time I see any response to an allegation of wrongdoing that emphasizes “criminal,” that is a cause for concern.

This canard was first floated by Democrat operatives in September 2008 during the national campaign and followed up by sympathetic Democratic writers.1. 

I am guessing the “1” refers to a footnote, but my source for this statement did not include the footnote.

It was easily rebutted then as one of many fabrications about Sarah Palin. Just as power abhors a vacuum, modern journalism apparently abhors any type of due diligence and fact checking before scurrilous allegations are repeated as fact.

The history of the Wasilla Sports Complex is publicly known. Contrary to the insinuation that as Mayor of Wasilla, Sarah Palin "personally" oversaw bidding, construction, funding and accounting for the project (and thus, the allegation goes, "embezzled" from the project),
 

“Embezzlement” is a specific type of theft, with a very narrow meaning. Traditionally, “theft” was defined as taking the property of another, with the intent to permanently deprive the owner of that property. “Embezzlement” was taking the property of another, with the intent to temporarily deprive the owner of the property. For example, say a bank teller pulled $100 out of the cash drawer, to bet on a horse race. After the race, the teller intended to pay back the money out of the winnings. That would be “embezzlement,” as opposed to “theft.”

Later, the definition of “embezzlement” shifted again, this time to mean knowingly taking funds directly from an entity. For example, Spenard Builders Supply (SBS) was the company that supplied building materials to both the Wasilla Sports Complex, and the Palins’ home. The Palins would be guilty of “embezzling from the project,” if SBS gave the Palins building materials for free (or at a discount), charged the cost of those materials to Wasilla or the State, and the Palins were aware that SBS was taking that action. That means under either of the following two scenarios, the Palins would not be guilty of “embezzling from the project:”

1) SBS gave the Palins free (or discounted) building materials, billed the State for the cost of those materials, but the Palins were not aware that SBS was doing so; or

2) SBA gave the Palins free (or discounted) building materials, but did not bill the State for the cost of those materials.


Ms. Jayne Mansfield. I am always
surprised at the vitriol that critics
throw her way, if only attacking her
for being "fat." She knew how to work
a system that was rigged against her
every way imaginable.
In short, it is certainly possible that SBS (or any of the other contractors of the Wasilla Sports Complex) could have given the Palins a free home (or paid for some portion of goods and services), and the Palins would still not have “embezzled from the project.”

the truth is far more mundane, and publicly available:

Curtis D. Menard was instrumental in spearheading the effort from conception to realization of the Wasilla Sports Complex. He directed the steering committee that was responsible for placing the issue before the voters of Wasilla and subsequently passed. He remained chairman of that committee through the design and construction of the facility. He was an ardent supporter and leader of civic, educational and athletic endeavors within the community as well as an advocate of the continued success of the Sports Center.

http://www.cityofwasilla.com/... Thus, as any basic fact checker would learn, the Mayor of Wasilla is not listed as "chair" of the Steering Committee. As Mayor, Governor Palin did appoint the committee, another fact readily verifiable, and she was publicly on record supporting the need for such a facility—as was most of Wasilla. "Wasilla weighs sports facility" published December 6, 2001 and available athttp://www.adn.com/...While her public support of this project was deemed pivotal by many, the actual construction, bidding, financing and other day-to-day management of the project was not in her scope of authority as Mayor.


So then Mayor Palin played no role in the selection of any of the contractors or subcontractors for the Sports Complex? That was not the impression I was given in reading the history of how the Complex was built. But even if she had no role, that does not preclude the fact that she may have received free stuff from SBS or any other contractor.

Ms. Gloria Grahme. I am going to have
to keep looking, because I can't find a
picture that really does her justice. She 
was the only thing I liked in the film 
The Greatest Show on Earth.
In addition, Sarah Palin was then criticized by some of not showing enough interest in the project. The Frontiersman reported that at a public meeting with the Chamber of Commerce, an opponent of the project "accused Wasilla Mayor Sarah Palin of staying quiet about the arena because of her campaign for Lieutenant Governor." "Sports Arena Campaign gets Rolling"http://www.frontiersman.com/... (February 22, 2002).

“AN OPPONENT of the project” (emphasis added)? One person in a public meeting, who apparently holds no position of authority, kvetches? That means less than nothing, so why is Mr. Flein including it? It smells of red herring.

Further, this was a highly public project, approved by the voters, and subject to public bid requirements. As described by the City of Wasilla itself:

The city uses competitive means for the purchase of all goods and services as required by Wasilla Municipal Code 5.08. The city also utilizes contracts and price agreements established by the State of Alaska, the Western States Contracting Alliance and other cooperatives or agencies when it is deemed to be in the best interest of the City. The city believes in open, fair competition and strives to ensure that all vendors have equal opportunity to compete for city business.

The City of Wasilla operates under a decentralized purchasing system. This means purchasing decision up to $5,000 is made independently by the departments in the city (with the exception of Management Information System purchases). When the estimated amount for goods or services is between $5,000 and $9,999, departments are required to obtain three quotes prior to purchase. The departments may utilize the services of the Purchasing/Contracting Officer (PCO) for this process or may do it themselves; however, when this processed is selected, the PCO must sign off on the final product prior to purchasing or contracting.

For purchases beyond $10,000, the city requires all departments to contact the PCO who will utilize the city's bid process according to Wasilla Municipal Code 5.08. The bid process is initiated through either an Invitation to Bid (ITB), utilized when the city knows the specifications for the purchase; or a Request for Proposal (RFP), utilized when the exact specifications or process is unknown.


All well and good. Virtually all municipalities operate on some form of RFP and public or quasi-public bidding process. Nevertheless, the ultimate awarding of bids is still a subjective process. Moreover, regardless of how perfect the Wasilla and Alaska bidding process may be, that process has nothing to do with SBS deciding to give the Palins free building materials.

Ms. Mara Corday. Another sentimental
favorite of mine. I also love idiotic
cowgirl costumes.
http://www.cityofwasilla.com/... Accordingly, the Sports Complex was publicly bid, in accordance with City and state law, and was accounted for in the time and manner all public projects are handled. The Mayor of Wasilla, be it Sarah Palin, or her successor, did not handle the funds, or the materials, for this project. To thus suggest she "embezzled" is as false as it is impossible.

Again, the use of the word “embezzled” is suspicious. The word has a very narrow meaning. I would expect the statement to read “To thus suggest she “embezzled,” received a kickback, discount for goods or services, or any benefit whatsoever from any contractor connected to the building of the Wasilla Sports Complex is as false as it is impossible.” But Mr. Flein does not say that.

The additional claim of "proof" of wrongdoing is the allegation that the Palins purchased building materials from Spenard Builders Supply—and that this company may have provided supplies for the Sports Complex.

This is another red flag for me. “[T]hat this company may have providedsupplies for the Sports Complex” (emphasis supplied), is either careful writing, or just plain sloppy. There is no question that SBS provided materials for both the Palins home and the Sports Complex. The following sentences even suggest (but do not state unequivocally) that SBS was involved in both projects.

Prior to the construction of Lowe’s and Home Depot within the last few years in Wasilla, Spenard Builders Supply was the primary building supply company in Wasilla. It can hardly come as a surprise that it would sell materials to small homeowners or that it would also bid to supply commercial contracts. One would be hard pressed to find a home, cabin or outbuilding in the Mat-Su Valley in which Spenard Builders Supply did not sell at least some of the materials.

Again, this is either careful writing or sloppy writing. If Mr. Flein is being sloppy, he is creating suspicion where he does not need to. But if he is being careful, then Mr. Flein is writing to Governor Palin's supporters, suggesting that Governor Palin’s critics do not even know IF SBS was involved in both projects. This sentence acknowledges the possibility—maybe even the probability that SBS was involved in both projects--but does not say for a fact that SBS provided materials to both the Palin home and to the Sports Complex.

If Mr. Van Flein knows his onions (and I am certain, sure he does), he is trying to create the impression that Governor Palin’s critics do not even know the basic facts of the matter.


The Palins built their Lake Lucille house using Todd as the general contractor. Todd’s family owns a hardware and building supply business in Dillingham. He is no stranger to construction, or to rolling up his sleeves and doing work. 

Ms. Lana Turner. She's happy, because
she also knows someone whose father
owned a hardware store.
The Palin home was built from the ground up on a two acre, lakeside lot. The house has a tax appraised value of $552,000, is two stories, four bedrooms and four baths, and 3,450 square feet. Ask anyone you know in any of the construction trades: will having a dad who owned a hardware store give you the background to build such a house? (The answer will be “no.”) No doubt SOMEBODY besides Todd Palin was involved—if only in drawing up the architectural plans. 

Is it possible that Todd Palin and a few buddies “rolled up their sleeves” and built that house? Sure—but it’s certainly not very probable. I would need to know a lot more information about who else was involved.


The Palins used a combination of personal savings, equity from the sale of their prior home, and conventional bank financing to build the house—like millions of American families. The deeds of trust are recordable public records. Basic journalism and fact checking would confirm this.

No doubt the Palins did this. And “basic journalism and fact checking” will also confirm there is a trust deed, and any liens the Palins may have on their home. However, what “basic journalism and fact checking” cannot confirm is who the subcontractors were or the building permits were acquired on the Palin home, because while Mayor, Sarah Palin blocked an effort to require the filing of building permits. Additionally, all the “basic journalism and fact checking” in world will not confirm that SBS (for example) did not provide the Palins the supplies for their home at a sharp discount. Going back to the Senator Uncle Ted Stevens debacle, the government discovered that the good Senator Uncle paid $160,000 for $410,000 of improvements on a humble mountain cabin only after Mr. Bill Allen, the former chief executive of VECO (an oil services company) rolled over and spilled the beans to the US Attorney.

Unless some similar whistle blower comes through regarding the Palins, or the Palins produce receipts showing they paid 100 cents on the dollar for the supplies for their home, this story will not (and should not) go away.


The Sports Complex was built in 2002. It is now 2009. While the Federal Government has a process to follow, and that process sometimes takes time, we can categorically state that we are not aware of any "federal investigation" that has been "pending" for the last seven years. We are aware of no subpoenas on SBS regarding the Palins. We are aware that the Federal Department of Justice and Federal Bureau of Investigation have been helpful, responsive and diligent in prosecuting the email hacker and in cleaning up Alaska’s corrupt legislators.

Ms. Joi Lansing. You can tell she is 
easy, but not too easy, because only
one strap on her dress is down.
Looks at the dates: 2002 to 2009. What was happening with the Federal Department of Justice at that time? Well, I remember US Attorney Carol Lam for the Southern District of California sent sitting Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham to prison, and was fired for incompetence. Then there was US Attorney David Inglesias of New Mexico. His firing resulted in the destruction of the careers of then Senator Pete Domenici and Congresswoman Heather Wilson. In fact, nine honchos at the Department of Justice resigned in disgrace for malfeasance, including Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. I can’t imagine misconduct by Republican mayors of towns less than six thousand population was big focus.

But so what? Whether there is (or is not) a “federal investigation,” that does not answer any questions as to who built and paid for the Palins’ home.


To be blunt—this "story" was alleged during the campaign, evaluated then by national media and deemed meritless. Nothing has changed.

Let me be blunter. A blank assertion that this allegation has been “evaluated” by an (unspecified) “national media” means nothing. In the immortal words of Gene Autry: Show Me the Money. If the Palins paid for all the materials and services that went into building their home, then show me the receipts. Give me the affidavits of the architect who drew up the plans, the electrician who put in the wiring, the plumber who did whatever plumbers do to get the bathroom water to the bathroom and the kitchen water to the kitchen. Show me the receipts that the Palins paid for all those fancy pantsy appliances. And if they didn’t pay for any of that stuff—then who did?

The following is the empty and ridiculous threat of legal action, that I addressed in my previous hissy fit.


To the extent several websites, most notably liberal Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, are now claiming as "fact" that Governor Palin resigned because she is "under federal investigation" for embezzlement or other criminal wrongdoing, we will be exploring legal options this week to address such defamation. This is to provide notice to Ms. Moore, and those who re-publish the defamation, such as Huffington Post, MSNBC, the New York Times and The Washington Post, that the Palins will not allow them to propagate defamatory material without answering to this in a court of law. The Alaska Constitution protects the right of free speech, while simultaneously holding those "responsible for the abuse of that right." Alaska Constitution Art. I, Sec. 5.http://ltgov.state.ak.us/... These falsehoods abuse the right to free speech; continuing to publish these falsehoods of criminal activity is reckless, done without any regard for the truth, and is actionable. And a moron says what.

Thomas Van Flein, for Governor Sarah Palin


Okay—I made up that last part.

Actionable schmactionable, as they say where I come from. Do I know for a fact the Palins got free stuff, in the form of goods and services for the building of their 2002 home? Of course not. Do I have reasons to be suspicious? You betcha, to coin a phrase.

Ms. Mamie Van Doren. I think she's got
the towel over her head, so you don't
ask why she's wearing heels with her
swimsuit.
What do I want to know?

I mentioned in my last post that I had done some work on my house, right after I bought it. Suppose I was the governor of Alaska (big ups to my best friend (in 1969) and current Alaska resident Tracy who would probably burn in hell before voting for me—but we digress), and some troublemakers were accusing me of getting free goods and services for my home repair. What kind of a statement would I release?

First, I would not attack anyone in the media. The responsibility of the media is to ferret out public corruption, and if I have hold some public office and get free stuff, I have the legal and ethical responsibility to disclose that.

Second, my “statement” would be much simpler and straightforward. For example:

There have been numerous allegations that I have received free or sharply discounted goods and/or services regarding the repair of my home, and that I have failed to disclose those gifts. That is incorrect.

Enclosed with this statement are copies documents showing the following:
1) Who I purchased my home from, and the price I paid.
2) The names of the carpenter, electrician, plumbers, roofers, and tree trimmers I hired, their bills, and their supporting affidavits confirming that they both billed me in full, and I paid their bills.
3) Also included are some of the receipts from the building supply stores where I purchased the materials for my home repair. Unfortunately, I do not have all of the receipts, but I do have affidavits from Home Depot, Color Tile, Standard Paints and Brands, and A Boy Hardware that they have not—and indeed would not—give me any discounts.
4) Next, there are affidavits from the friends of mine who helped me with work on the house, and the extent of work they performed without pay. Each person states they performed the work as a favor to me, out of friendship.
5) Finally, there are copies of all the applicable building permits detailing work done, and where no permit was required, I wrote a brief summary of that particular project.

In conclusion, I want to say that at no time did I receive any benefit in the form of goods, services, special considerations, discounts, kickbacks, or benefits in any way, other than what I have listed in this statement. And a moron says what.

Ta Dah! And we all go on to live rich and happy lives. Almost. I would probably have to answer a whole lot of other very embarrassing questions---like:

“How do you respond to the allegations in the affidavit from your friend Skip that sheetrocking with you was a nightmare, because you don’t know your right from your left?”

“In the affidavit from Steve, he says that when the two of you spray painted your house, you spent about half the time crying, because you kept getting paint in your eyes. Is that true?”

Ms. Joi Lansing. When she is not typing,
she is answering the phone. What a
great secretary!
“The affidavit from your electrician says that he never considered giving you a discount for of your political beliefs, because you have your head up your ass about Chile. Is your head up your ass?”

“The affidavit by your ex-wife says you took more than five years to tile a shower. Why did you need five years to tile one shower?”

“An affidavit from Todd says that the only tools you should be allowed to use are made by Fisher Price. What does he mean by that?”

“Your plumber says that several times he almost walked off the job, because you kept asking him if copper pipes would make your water taste quote 'funny,' but were unable to explain what you meant by the word 'funny.' Is that true?”

“The president of Acme Roofing says that he remembers your house very well, because he’s never even heard of a house having five layers of tar paper covering a rotten shake roof before. He also wonders about the brains of someone who would buy a house in that shape. Do you have any similar concerns about your brains?”

“Joe the Carpenter, who replaced the sill on your house, says that he remembers you, because he has never had to yell ‘Will you get the hell out of here?’ so many times. What kept you from getting the hell out of there?”

“The affidavit from the Color Tile Corporation not only states that they did not give you any special consideration, they considered applying for a restraining order, banning you from their locations, ostensively because your complete inability to make any form of decision drove three employees to file for disability from stress related issues. Did you send 'get well' cards to those employees?”

“Mike says in his affidavit that working with you trimming trees renewed his faith in an omnipotent and loving god, because while you all managed to bend the blade of the chainsaw, neither of you suffered any permanent injury. What impact—if any—did that experience have on your faith?”

Ms. Diana Dors. Don't be messing with
her about who all built her house.
“An affidavit from Judith states that you did extensive stripping of lead paint with a heat gun, because she remembers you saying that you didn’t need to use a safety mask if you quote ‘drank lots of water, to flush the lead out of your system.’ Are you really that stupid?”

“A mortgage broker named Steve says that he is well aware of all the financing you have done with your home, because working with you quote ‘felt like he was Edgar Bergan working with Charlie McCarthy.’ What does he mean by that?”


Maybe it’s just as well I’m not the governor of Alaska.