This Week in Stoopid: Joe Miller

A Salute to Those Who Efforts in Idiocy Go Far Beyond Average for their Height & Weight

For most weeks, competition is quite fierce—and this week was no exception.  However, no one tried harder than Alaska’s own Tea Bagger extraordinaire, Joe “I only LOOK like Yasir Arafat” Miller.

Aileen Hailey. What Joe Miller sees when he thinks about Lisa Murkowski stealing his senate seat.

Background

If there’s anything to remember about the 2010 primaries, it was that this was the year when the traditional off year low turn outs produced a disproportionate number of low IQ candidates.  In particular, four would be Senators really stand out.  Delaware’s GOP, obviously untroubled by the candidate never having held a “job” before, introduced Christine O’Donnell to the nation.  Nevada searched long & hard to find Sharron Angle: conceivably, the only person who could run against Harry Reid, and still lose.  Most notable was the pride of South Carolina, Alvin Greene, selected with a paltry turnout of less than 30 percent of the registered voters, who then went on to garner 28 percent of the vote cast in the general election.  Impressive, considering by pretty much all accounts, Mr. Greene appears to be quite mad.

Not Joe Miller.

But the star of this saga is Sarah Palin Favorite Son (as opposed to Alaska’s Favorite Son) Joe Miller.  In the GOP primary, incumbent Lisa Murkowski showed little to no regard for the Tea Party Express candidate come lately, naively believing that lack of coherent thought and a complete inability to mount a sane campaign enough to doom any candidacy.  But a low turnout proved Ms. Murkowski wrong.

Shut out of the traditional GOP, Ms. Murkowski believed that a second generation pork barreler such as herself had brought home the bacon enough times, that a plurality of voters would remember on which side their bread had been over buttered—and who did the buttering (hint: not that nice boy from Sitka, or the crazy man from Fairbanks).  Heck, ifAmerica’s champion of apartheid could do it in 1954, why couldn’t the daughter of a former governor become America’s Next Write In Candidate for US Senate?

Not Yasir Arafat.

As the dust began settling in the days after November 2, 2010, the People had Spoken: Joe Miller: 90,740 votes; Write In Candidates: 102,252 votes—leaving 60,007 for that nice boy from Sitka and an additional 2,832 votes cast by people you wouldn’t want to invite to your house, regardless of how wild the party. 

The Alaska Department of Elections (DOE) started counting just *who* the write in votes were for.  Out of that group, the DOE decided that roughly 2,000 of the write in votes were cast for someone OTHER than “Lisa Murkowski.”  In fact, 20 of the write in votes were for “Joe Miller”—which goes to show, that just because your drunk and/or an idiot, you can still muster up enough sense to show voter intent…at least in Alaska.  Therefore, DOE declared that roughly 100,800 people voted for Lisa Murkowski.  End of story—or so you’d think.

Shades of hanging chads as was, while each write in ballot was eyeballed by DOE, both Mr. Miller and Ms. Murkowski had their own stooges, fixers, and hired guns on hand…just to make sure everything was on the up & up.  And Joe Miller’s people were extra diligent, claiming that roughly 8,000 of the votes the DOE credited to “Lisa Murkowski” were for someone else, OTHER than “Lisa Murkowski.”  Be that as it may, the DOE was satisfied, and ready to bestow the crown.

But in the tradition of Go Big or Go Home, Mr. Miller declines to return to Fairbanks, and instead goes to court, seeking to have himself—and not “Lisa Murkowski”—crowned Senator from the forty-ninth state.

This week, on December 10, Superior Court Judge William B. Carey granted the State’s Motion for Summary Judgment, and dismissed all of Mr. Miller’s claims.  For anyone who doesn't trust me, the link to to a PDF of the opinion.

Ava Gardner. What does she have to do with Joe Miller? Nothing--but when your notes are as boring as mine are, you've got to go big or go home.

So What?

So what indeed.  People file frivolous lawsuits all the time—and some of them even by people who aren’t political candidates.  What makes Mr. Miller so special?  How about the fact no one connected to the Miller campaign has a basic understanding of simple arithmetic? 

This is one of the reasons why lawyers insist on large retainers up front.  Here are the numbers again:

Miller—90,740 

Murkowski—100,800 (according to DOE).

Number of votes for “Lisa Murkowski” disputed by Miller: roughly 8,000

…meaning there are 92,700 votes for Murkowski, NOT DISPUTED by Mr. Miller.  For the arithmetically challenged among us, allow me to help: 92,700 is bigger than 90,740.

What WAS Mr. Miller’s Gripe?

If you guessed Miller filed an action for intentional infliction of emotional distress against the DOE, for suggesting that Murkowski handed Miller a ten thousand (or better than six percent) ass whoopin’, instead of a mild two thousand vote butt kicking—you’d be wrong.  No, Mr. Miller insisted that Ms. Murkowski should NOT be declared the winner, because Mr. Miller still MIGHT have actually won.  And a moron says “what?”

Here’s how Miller says he might have won.  First, he needs to get just over ten thousand votes for “Lisa Murkowski” thrown out.  To do that, his opening salvo is aimed at the 8,000 his people objected to, during the counting.  The basis for this objection lies with the reading of Alaska Statute 15.15.360(a)(11), which provides “a vote for a write in candidate…shall be counted if the oval is filled in for that candidate and if the name, as it appears on the write-in declaration of candidacy, of the candidate or the last name of the candidate is written in the space provided.”  Judge Carey concluded to be a valid “vote,” a write in vote needed to have:

1) the oval next to the name filled in, and

2) written on the line next to the filled in oval, either:

a) the name of the candidate as it appears on the write-in declaration of candidacy; or

b) the last name of the candidate.

Miller and his legions insisted that the statute meant that UNLESS the write in voter wrote down the candidate’s name as it EXACTLY appeared on the write-in declaration, then the vote was invalid.  Why not?  However, the court notes that even in Mr. Miller’s own pleadings, his arguments are inconsistent.  On the one hand, Miller concedes that a vote for “Lisa Murkowski” would be sufficient, but Ms. Murkowski’s name “appears” on the write-in declaration of candidacy as “Murkowski, Lisa.”  The substance of Miller’s contention, though, is that the DOE should not be able to use any discretion in regard to permutation of misspellings of “Murkowski.” 

I'm using my particularly impressive Ava Gardner shots for the especially dull parts of the note.

Forget it, is Judge Carey’s ruling--not surprisingly.  To adopt Miller’s position, the court would have to do two things.  First, the statute does not use the word “exactly,” denying any discretion by the DOE to divine voter intent.  The court (correctly) declined to re-write the statute to fit Miller’s desires.  Second, under Millers interpretation, a significant percentage of Alaskans would be denied their vote.  The history of statutory interpretation in Alaska (as everywhere else) holds that statutes are should not be interpreted such that the law disenfranchises large numbers of people.

In conclusion, the court held the eight thousand votes Miller’s people disputed in fact do count as votes for Ms. Murkowski, meaning Miller did lose by an ass whooping, as opposed to a simple butt kicking.

But What IF Miller Won on his Complaint about the 8,000?  Wouldn’t He Still Have Lost?

Well—yeah.  And the court noted as much, saying “Murkowski has won the election by over 2,000 unchallenged votes … No matter what interpretation this court makes, and even if the court finds that Miler (sic) is correct and only correctly spelled ballots for Murkowski are to be counted, Miller would not be entitled to relief because the outcome does not change.”

Technically, courts do not issue an opinion if there is no case and controversy.  Where a claim is “moot” (i.e. filed by an idiot), courts will decline to rule.  Nevertheless, Judge Carey did reach a decision on the eight thousand votes disputed by Miller, because of the strong “public interest” involved.  Miller originally filed his claim in federal court.  The federal court then remanded the case to state court, in part to get the state court’s interpretation of the state’s own statute.  In general, federal courts defer to state court’s interpretation of that state’s statutes (which the most notable, bullshit exception is Bush v. Gore).  So, Judge Carey does the heavy lifting on this case, and decides the issue.

Ava Gardner. AS IF you could ever have too many pictures of her.

And yet—had the court agreed with Miller, where was Miller going to find another two thousand votes?  How about:

A.  “My People Were All Really Stupid, So They Missed Two Thousand Otherwise Invalid Votes”

I’m not making that up; that was one of Miller’s arguments.  It takes a special breed of weasel to throw all your people under the bus, wholesale, like that.  Specifically, Miller claimed that when the DOE started counting the write in ballots on November 20, the DOE had “moved the date up by a number of days and that the preparation, training, and coordination of his observer team were thereby impaired.”  Opinion, n.3.  Not even a nice try, Joe: “This court finds no prejudice to Miller has been demonstrated or can be inferred by the timing of the count.”  

B.  It Was the Machines, Damn It!  THE MACHINES!

So much for a “Constitutional conservative” who opposes “activist judges,” Miller insists there is an issue of “fundamental fairness” in that write in ballots get a hand count, but non-write ins are machine counted.  The machines could be way off.  Maybe.  The court gives three responses to this argument.  First, the Alaska legislature has written different statutes governing how “write in ballots” and “machine ballots” are to be counted.  The role of the court is to interpret those statutes—not write them. 

Second, if Mr. Miller is unhappy with the way the Diebold machines work (and, as the court notes in n.43, many people ARE unhappy), Miller’s remedy is to go to the legislature—not ask the courts to wholly redraft Alaska’s voting statutes. 

Finally, Alaska responded to this “fairness” argument by explaining in the event of a ballot being rejected by the machine for being an “overvote” or an “undervote,” a poll person personally reviews that ballot to see if voter intent can be determined.  So, there is no question of “fundamental unfairness.”

C. A Really Stupid Argument about Alaska’s Administrative Procedures Act (APA) that Doesn’t Bear Repeating (trust me on this).

D.  VOTER FRAUD!

Miller tries to insist that his claim should not be dismissed, because he hasn’t had time to get all the dirt.  APPARENTLY, at some precincts, the polling people did NOT check the little box next to where the voter signs the voter’s name, affirming voter identification: “[D]iscovery is necessary to ascertain why election officials at certain precincts neglected to check the box” because “there are various reasons why election officials … may have checked an identification option … for most voters, but declined to do so for certain voters.”  J’ACCUSE!

I was trying to find a picture of Ava Gardner, illustrating the "sarcasm expressed by DOE workers" that Miller complained about. This was the best I could do.

The court notes that Miller “received notice of fraud allegations” by his observers on November 17.  From November 17 to December 2, Miller had time to secure evidence to show that election officials not only acted illegally, but also engaged in malconduct.  Instead, “Miller’s affidavits do not provide any facts of wrongful conduct at polling stations and not even circumstantial evidence of wrongdoing … Nowhere does Miller provide facts showing a genuine issue of fraud or election misfeasance.  Instead, the majority of the problematic statements included in the affidavits are inadmissible hearsay, speculation, and occasional complaints of sarcasm expressed by DOE workers” Opinion, p.32.

But was Miller’s Argument on Statutory Interpretation Really THAT Stupid?

Yes: “The only support Miller provides for his interpretation is based on the nature of Murkowski’s campaign.  Miller argues that Murkowski went to great lengths to advise voters of the spelling of her name and to make it easy as possible for voters to get her name right.”  Opinion, p. 16.

Was there Anything Extra Stupid about Miller’s lawsuit?

Ava Gardner. While she is not in Alaska, she IS eating ice cream. That counts.

As a matter of fact, yes…..Alaska is a “big” state in terms of size, but tiny in terms of population: 47th out of 50.  The whole state is smaller than the city of San Francisco.  The vote differential we’re talking here seems close: two, eight, or even ten thousand votes.  But that’s out of a total of roughly 253,000 votes.  In Washington State, where Patty Murray handed Dino Rossi his third beatdown, over 2,251,000 people voted for senator.  In my state of Oregon, 534,000 people voted for a sad sack Republican for Senator—and that was less than 40% of the vote.  In the 2004 Washington State gubernatorial election, where they really WERE scratching for individual votes, out of a total of over 2,750,000 votes cast, Christine Gregoire won by 129 votes.  Unless there is something grotesquely stupid going on, or you’re in Florida, Illinois, or Ohio (there’s some overlap between those two groups), you’re not going to flip a roughly six percent loss.  Or show that over ten percent of the people who voted for the winner were somehow “wrong.”

But What if Miller IS Crazy—Crazy Like a Fox!

Could there be some other, nefarious reason for Mr. Miller to delay Ms. Murkowski’s retaking her senate seat?  MAYBE………!

Ava Gardner. Because of all the money Ms. Murkowski got from the Alaska Natives corporations, Ms. Gardner reenacts the poor Miller people, painting their own signs!

In the December 3 edition of the Moonie-Owned, Arch-Conservative Washington Times (a brand name), Joe Miller published a bizarre editorial, Writing in Corruption.  In it, Miller attacked Ms. Murkowski for “learn[ing] nothing from the message of the midterm elections.”  What did Ms. Murkowski not learn?  Millerfingers (sic) the Alaska Native Regional Corporations, whom he calls “multibillion-dollar (sic) corporations, formed under the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act.”  Those bandits are “repeatedly protected from shareholder oversight by legislation shepherded by the Murkowski-Stevens-Young delegation.”  Those self-same corporations “poured hundreds of thousands of dollars into the tiny Alaska media market in a slimy, no-holds-barred effort to keep Ms. Murkowski in office.”

Miller’s not done yet: “Alaska Native 8(a) corporations … are no-bid federal contractors.  They get billions in federal taxpayer dollars to undertake building and other projects not just throughout the state of Alaska, but across the country and overseas. … I argued during the campaign that this 8(a) program demanded reform, in large part because it was ripping off the American taxpayer.  But I also argued that while the native corporations made dizzying profits using their 'disadvantaged' status to gain federal work, in practice they did very little to lift the lives of most Alaskan natives.”  Damn those brown people!  There they go, ripping off the white folks—and then they’re too dumb to even hang on to all that money.

Ava Gardner, portraying one of those rich Murkowski-Stevens-Young-Alaska Native corporation Democrats.

It gets worse: “There is something odious to the American political experiment in having corporations dependent upon taxpayer money for their very existence turn around and use that money to hire workers to teach people how to vote for one candidate over another.”  Well, I certainly think so—that’s why I’m so furious about Citizens’ United v. Federal Elections Commission: defense contractors, oil companies, the banking industry, the insurance industry, the chemical companies…all of them are “dependent upon taxpayer money for their very existence,” and pour truckloads of cash into elections.  But I don’t think that’s what Joe Miller is complaining about.

“The native population apparently got the message.  Supermajorities of numerous villages that had gone strongly Democratic in previous elections voted for Mrs. Murkowski last month.”  Damn those Murkowski-Stevens-Young Democrats!

You think I’m taking this quotes out of context?  “If Mrs. Murkowski survives the inevitable recount of ballots (ballots that were transported and ‘secured’ by an Alaska Native corporation) …”  Gee Joe—are you suggesting those brown people stuffed the ballot box, just to fix your wagon?  Don’t be so subtle.

Now here’s where we’re at: here’s a guy who insists he’s an Alaskan politician, who hates the Alaska Natives corporations, Lisa Murkowski (and family), Ted Stevens, and Don Young.  He then accuses all of them of ripping off “the American taxpayer” for the benefit of Alaska—and being “Democrats.”  While I think Joe’s got a point (except for that “Democrat” thing), I live in Oregon, and believe that what’s bad for Alaska is good for me.  But if I lived in Alaska, I’m throwing my gloves and stick to the ice and pulling his shirt up over his head.  It’s ON, big daddy!

Could Miller be pissing in his own nest, at the bidding of some nefarious Dr. Evil?

Enter Dr. Evil

Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Currently, there’s a struggle for the heart of the Grand Old Party (the soul was brokered away to the devil, forthe Willie Horton campaign for George HW Bush).  On the one side, there are the totally disgusting, lying hypocritical sleazeball opportunists, led by Kentucky’s Mitch McConnell.  The challengers are the batshit crazy wing, led by South Carolina’s Jim DeMint.  Say what you want about Senator DeMint: the man’s not just merely stupid, he’s positively, truly & sincerely stupid.  McConnell’s the kind of guy who’d sell his own mother into white slavery—if only his father hadn’t beat him to it—but will have some private reservations that MAYBE that’s not the best idea.  He’s still doing it, mind you; but he knows he’s going to have to put some spin on that.  DeMint, on the other hand, sells his mom and is damn proud of it, because he heard somewhere that it was a good idea to do so.  Spin hell—he’s got it on his resume!

Not a RINO.

For reasons known only to people who think like Senator DeMint, Senator Murkowski is a RINO (Republican in Name Only—I guess sort of like Rudolph Hess was a NINO), so she and good ol’ Ted Stevens were tight with the Mitch McConnell people.  Having lost Delaware’s O’Donnell, Nevada’s Angle, Washington State’s Rossi, California’s Fiorina (but he did win a few places—like Wisconsin.  Bastard), DeMint is struggling, getting his ducks in a row.  If DeMint is going to step up and be the kingmaker he wants to be, he'll need his people in as many positions of power as he can get. 

So, if the certification of Senator Murkowski’s election can be put off long enough, could it be possible that she’ll lose her share of choice committee assignments?

Senator DeMint is raising money for Joe Miller, and standing behind him—unlike a certain former governor of Alaska who’s long forgotten who Miller is.  Could Miller be playing the good soldier, crapping all over his soon to be former home state, damaging Senator Murkowski’s committee assignments, all in an effort to ingratiate himself to Senator DeMint and the Republican National Committee?  Is Joe Miller the Manchuria Alaskan Candidate?  Will Joe Miller fulfill his lifelong ambition, and become an apparatchik stooge for the RNC?

Conclusion

No.  Joe Miller’s just stoopid.

Ava Gardner. Miller was going to use this snap on his campaign literature--but remembered in time to ask who "Stevenson" is.

A Post Without A Name

So don't delay; Act now; Supplies are running out.
Allow, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow. But if
The offer's shun, You might as well be walkin' on the sun.........




Well everybody better move over, that's all
'Cause I'm running on the bad side
And I got my back to the wall
Tenth avenue freeze out..........




Get outta Denver better go, go
Get outta Denver cause you like just like a commie
And you might just be a member,
Better get outta Denver
Better get outta Denver




We didn't start the fire,
It was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire.
No we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it.




Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time.
Can't write a letter. Can't send a postcard.
I can't write nothing at all.




I see you got your fist out. Say your piece and get out.
Yes, I get the gist of it. But it's alright.
Sorry that you feel that way; the only thing there is to say:
Every silver lining's got a touch of grey.




Walk on your tip toes
Don't try No Doz
Better stay away from those
Who carry round a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a Weatherman
To know which way the wind blows..............




I can't dance. I can't talk.
The only thing about me
Is the way that I walk.




Oh the passenger
He rides and he rides.
He looks through his window
What does he see?

And Now, a Guest Editorial from Ignatius Michelangelo Krakpotus

When stooping to include letters from nuts, you have to go big or go home. Hence, we're starting with a group of women supposedly trying to sell ammonium sulfate.

The Most Reverend Anatta of the Second Church of Deus Otiosus (Akusala), Webmaster and Editor, Samsara Samizdat:

I don’t want to be Captain Alienation or anything, but something happened yesterday that once again reaffirmed my lifelong loathing of computers, profanity, the corporate structure, and quasi-monopolies. Put them all together, and you find yourself stuck on a logarithmic curve of inconvenience and idiocy.

To begin, you need to understand (for reasons you don’t want me to go into—trust me on this) I happen to believe that the Vietnam War was one of the defining events of my generation. Reasonable minds may differ, but those like-minded of us are content to form our own clannish, insular communities at places like Nile.com (not its real name)…or Mazona.com (not its real name). Fine: Amazon.com.

At one of these Amazon.com virtual communities (“The Vietnam Community”), someone asked for recommendations of good books about the Vietnam War. Another person, writing under the name “Coolbunny.com” gave an extensive list of books, mostly from the strategic/military perspective. I then responded with a supplemental list, that filled in a few blanks from CoolBunny.com’s list. At least, I tried to.

Mae Clark and Jimmy Cagney. See what
happens when you send too much time
in Amazon's virtual communities?

My post was rejected by Amazon’s computer generated anti-hate mail/naughty word filter, for violating Amazon’s high standards for comments. If you haven’t wasted your time spent any time reading comments at Amazon, let me say that whatever Amazon’s “guidelines” screen out, they don’t include spelling, grammar, aptness of thought, or absence of social graces. That’s why I was shocked that my note was rejected. Here’s my response. See if you can find what’s “wrong:”

First, let me say that I impressed at the dignity and respect that this discussion has engendered. So before I give my recommendations, let me sat that I am an unabashed, unapologetic leftist. That said, I concur with virtually all of the Cool Bunny's suggestions--but with a couple of exceptions. I would not recommend Truong Nhu's “Viet Cong Memoir” (I think there are better books), and did not care for Herrington's “Stalking the Viet Cong.” At all.

[Boring discussion of books removed]

For human rights violations, I liked Bilton and Sim "Four Hours in My Lai," and Chong's "The Girl in the Picture." The latter is a biography of the young girl, running down the road, whose naked body was covered with napalm burns. I was a little disappointed with Sallah and Weiss's “Tiger Force,” though.

[Another boring discussion of books removed]

So--if I had to suggest a single book, the winner(s) would be “Novel Without a Name” (fiction) and “Fire in the Lake” (non-fiction).

Here's the hyperlinks to the books I mentioned:
Novel without a Name;
Memories of a Pure Spring;
No Man's Land;
When Heaven & Earth Changed Places (A Vietnamese woman's journey from war to peace);
Four Hours in My Lai;
The Girl in the Picture: The Story of Kim Phuc, the Photograph, and the Vietnam War;
The Tunnels of Cu Chi: A Harrowing Account of America's "Tunnel Rats" in the Underground battlefields of Vietnam;
A Companion to the Vietnam War (Blackwell Companions to American History);
Ho Chi Minh: A Life;
Fire in the Lake: The Vietnamese and the Americans in Vietnam.

**********************

After reading my note several times, the best I could come up with for bad words was “young girl, running down the road, whose naked body was covered with napalm burns” (emphasis added). So, I took out the word “naked.” No soap.

Amazon’s computer said if I had any questions, I should write to community-help@amazon.com . So I did, and promptly got a computer generated message saying that the mailbox community-help@amazon.com no longer exists, and I should go to Amazon’s “self-help” pages, where no doubt answers to all of life’s problems can be found.

After more searching, I found the e-mail address for Amazon’s “customer service,” and tried to write THOSE people about my problem. Unfortunately, Amazon’s screening computer would not allow me to send the e-mail, unless I included an ORDER NUMBER that I had a question about. So, I copied in an order number for some books I have already received, and sent a somewhat blistering e-mail, trying to find out WHAT GUIDELINE I was violating (in the naughty way, I’m sure).

Ms. Kim Phuc (center), June 8 1972.

I did receive a prompt response, which pointed out the error of my ways. Where did I go wrong? The truth is, I didn’t. The filter got hung up on one of the titles of the books: Denise Chong’s The Girl in the Picture: The Story of Kim Phuc, the Photograph, and the Vietnam War. Please note that **I** didn’t type out the entire title, complete with sub-title. That was generated by Amazon’s hyperlink program. But why was that title naughty? Because the NAME OF THE GIRL when pronounced phonetically by Anglo-Saxons is a homonym for a graphic expression for carnal knowledge.

The perfect storm. Here we go:

1. Computers

Mr. Peter Drucker. We have no idea if
Mr. Drucker ever recorded a version of
"Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

In the immortal words of Gene Autry (actually, it was Peter Drucker): “the computer is a moron.” Always was, always will be. You don’t need to master of Godel’s Incompleteness Theorem to know that “filters”—like those scams that ostensively keep kids from seeing nekkid people and reading words that mean “sex” and “potty”—can not, will not keep anyone determined to read about potty and sex, or see nekkid people. They WILL, on the other hand, generally make the rest of your computer life a pain in the ass.

2. Profanity
I can’t speak to the rest of the world, but Americans are going to be potty mouths—even if it means being a p*tty mouth, pooty mouth, photty mouth, poty mouth etc etc etc. No matter how clever of an algorithm you think you have, no matter how brilliantly depraved your programmer is at coming up with different ways to “spell” the dreaded EF-WORD, Americans will be able to indicate that their ideological foes are simply people who engage in multiple episodes of sexual congress, if not with their maternal parent, then with numerous permutations of large farm animals--and probably at the same time. In short, you don’t have to say “Senator Jim Bunning is an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker” in so many words, to get your point across. All of our current swear words started out as euphemisms for sex, bodily functions, or insults to the Supreme Being—until they stopped being symbols and began to mean exactly what they stood for. So, new euphemisms were created.

What I mean is, if I’m bound and determined to call Senator Jim Bunning an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker, I am going to find a way to call Senator Jim Bunning an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker, even if I have to spend hours with a thesaurus finding new and better ways to say Senator Jim Bunning is an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker. And no one will miss my meaning—least of all (I hope), Senator Jim Bunning.

So just quit pretending you can stop people like me from doing things like calling Senator Jim Bunning an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker.

3. Corporate Structure

Ms. Kim Phuc in 1997, in front of a
picture of herself, holding her child.
She currently lives in Canada.

I KNOW Amazon exists to sell books, and if they didn’t sell books, they couldn’t afford to set up a special site for people to rant about how Gustav Hasford’s books are all out of print. Nevertheless, I want to point out two growing trends. First, what used to be called “collections” is now called “customer service.” Second, what used to be called “customer service” is now called “FAQ.” In the tension between short term dividends to shareholders vs. building even a medium (forget “long term”) customer base, the customers are going to lose. And that’s bad—not just because I get shitty service, but that style of myopic idiocy is responsible (in large part) for the decline of America’s industrial base in general, and the Credit Collapse of 2008 in specific. But that’s another rant.

Senator Jim Bunning. All references
to Senator Bunning being an
"orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker"
should be taken as hyperbole and
for purposes of illustration only. We
have no reason to believe the Senator
is an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig
porker, and even suggesting that he
MAY be an orgiastic mutherfuckin’
pig porker is both crass and
irresponsible. We sincerely hope no
readers are left with the impression
that Senator Bunning is an orgiastic
mutherfuckin’ pig porker, because
it was never our intention that anyone
seriously consider Senator Bunning as
an orgiastic mutherfuckin’ pig porker.

4. Quasi-Monopolies
So, I don’t like Amazon’s customer service. Why don’t I go somewhere else? Well, I do—but there are fewer and fewer other places to go. As they said about fees banks charge on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: “Why do we [banks] do that? FUCK YOU, that’s why!” And banks get away with it, because ALL banks do that. They’re not the only ones.

Several years ago, I bought something on E-Bay, where the seller grossly misrepresented the quality of the item. I spent some time putting together my complaint, including text from the original ad, and several e-mails I had exchanged with the seller—all documenting what I was claiming was fraud. The seller didn’t even bother to respond (so far as I know). What happened? NO-THING. Then I got an e-mail, asking me if I was “satisfied” with the outcome of the dispute resolution. Fool that I am, I said no, and sent my complaint (complete with supporting documentation) a second time. Not only did nothing happen again, I got a second e-mail asking me if THIS TIME I was satisfied. I got mad, and sent my complaint a third time. That time, E-Bay did something: they stopped asking me if I was satisfied.

Since then, E-Bay has gotten worse. Here’s a quiz: suppose you bought something on E-Bay, and by mistake the seller sent you 15 pounds of weapons grade uranium 235—enough to make an atomic bomb. What’s the e-mail address, postal address, telephone number, window to throw a rock at, etc etc to bring this fact to E-Bay’s attention? You might try SucksToBeYouUnlimted.com, because nothing else works. Why does E-Bay operate like that? FUCK YOU, that’s why.

Another time, I’ll rant about what can be done about this. But let’s just say for now that I find “FUCK YOU, that’s why” not an acceptable basis for objectionable business practices.

What I mean to say is, yesterday I had a terrible day—and wasted a lot of time being terrible.

I remain:
Really cranky.
I. MA. Krakpot.

Batman, illustrating the dangers of going too long without cursing.

NOTE: Batman expose courtesy (ie "lifted from") our learned collegues at Retrospace. We encourage you to both visit the site and not tell the webmaster we're stealing all their best stuff.