I Hate These People.

Faking Left
A NY Times Editorial by Ross Douthat, May 11, 2009

Mr. Huey Freeman. He may be short. He may hate everything. But he is the voice of socialism for the 21st century.

"Among their many aspirations for his presidency, Barack Obama’s admirers nurse a persistent hope that he might be able to end the culture wars. And by end, they generally mean win. The real hope is a final victory for cultural liberalism, and social conservatism’s permanent eclipse."
Mr. Ross Douthat

Mr. Ross Douthat. Would you buy a used
car from this man?

My god, I hate those people. I really do. I am sick half unto death of listening to "conservatives" arguing about the so-called "cultural wars." 

Right now--look me in the eyeball, and tell me if I am a proponent of "cultural liberalism" or "social conservatism," based on the following criteria:

1) I will never, ever enter a same sex marriage;
2) I will never, ever have an abortion;
3) I would never, ever prohibit a kid from praying to Baal--even if the kid is in a public school;
4) Right now, I can't imagine ever using illegal street drugs.

Give up? Well, here you go: I am a monster, hawk conservative in the culture wars. How so? Just because while I wouldn't buy weed off the street, pray to Baal, have an abortion, or marry my fellow man (sic), I do not want the STATE telling me that I can't do any of those things--just in case I change my mind.

Maybe I am kidding, just a little. But how on earth can the Mr. Douthats of the world--in good conscience--claim that believers in "cultural liberalism" are forcing their values on anyone? Has any proponent of same-sex marriage ever insisted that the power of the state should be used to keep people who want to marry someone of the opposite sex from getting married? Is Mr. Douthat truly afraid that if he moves to Maine, Vermont, Iowa, Massachusetts, or Connecticut, some burly policeman in ass-less chaps is going to make him marry a guy? Just who, Mr. Douthat, is advocating for Big Government's use of the police power to regulate personal behavior?

Ms. Anita Ekburg. When you're as preachy
and annoying as I am, you really need
the big guns......

So--you don't want to belong to a church that "marries" same sex couples? Then find a church that won't marry gay and lesbian couples. But why do you insist on telling all churches--even the churches you would never go to--they can't marry gay and lesbian couples?

As a "liberal," what is the "prayer in public schools" that gets me crazy? The kid in the back of the class who whispers "Oh holy sweet baby jesus mary mother of god, I know I spent all night playing 'Grand Theft Auto--Iowa City' instead of studying, but PLEASE let at least enough answers be 'c' for me to pass........"? Absolutely not--not studying a lick and hoping for a miracle is protected under the free exercise clause of the first amendment. No, what gets me crazy is when the State in the form of the the school administration announces that *everyone* will pray to the Cowboy Buddha, regardless of personal feelings or belief. That is a violation of the first amendment's establishment clause.

Why do "conservatives" still advocate for prayer in public schools? Either the prayer is some idiot like me trying to explain why THERE IS NO GOD BUT TELEVISION--AND GILLIGAN IS HER MESSENGER!....or the most bland, mealy mouthed, innocuous, barely a tribute to some vague form of a supreme being, all in a futile effort not to offend Christians, Jews, Latter Day Saints, Sunni and Shiites, Buddhists, Animists, Flying Spaghetti Monsterites--you get the idea. But what about atheists and the Jehovah Witness folks? Too late; they're already off to federal court.

Ms. Mae West. Only line in her first movie:
Coat check girl: Goodness! What
diamonds!
West: 'Goodness' didn't have anything to do
with it......
The rest is history.......

Back in the day--and I mean Eisenhower's day--the issue of prayer in the public school was important, because 'MERICA was fighting the godless (sic) Soviet Union on all fronts, and being "...one nation under God (read: Baby Jesus)..." was just one more front in a running fake war. 

Jumping from Ike to today's hip hop happening groovy cats from Nowsville, unless you are Sarah Palin or have an IQ that's barely in the upper two digits (there may be some overlap there), the American public school system is not going to be a forum for advocating the divine nature of Jesus of Nazareth, explicitly or implicitly. That is just not going to happen--and not because of those commie atheistic homos over at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), but because the Jehovah Witness lawyers all have "Been There. Done That. Got the T-Shirt" bumper stickers on their cars. The J.W. attorneys--they don't even say "Bring it" any more, because they'll hand you your ass back before you even know it's missing.

But then...there is abortion. As Mr. Douthat says "The pro-life movement is arguably more comfortable with the language of rights and liberties than its opponents. Abortion foes are defending a right to life grounded in the Declaration of Independence, after all, whereas pro-choicers are defending more nebulous rights (privacy, autonomy, etc.) supposedly grounded in “penumbras” and “emanations” from the Constitution. And a moron says 'What?'" 

Okay. I made up that last part. But since when is the "right to life" grounded in the Declaration of Independence? Back to school, Douthat. First, the Declaration of Independence is a great piece of work--really groovy--but it is NOT a governing document. Second, maybe you COULD argue that "all men (sic) are created equal" is extended to fetuses (fetusi?) if you're a complete ahistorical idiot, but even said idiot could not argue that back in the day, "all men" included women, slaves, and men who did not own property. So...'splain it to me, Ricky: how are pro-life people arguably more comfortable defending the right and liberty of a fetus--and yet that same right and liberty expressly did not include women or people of color? (if you're thinking "Because pro-life people are stupid?", that was my guess as well...but I don't think that's the answer Mr. Douthat is looking for).

Ms. Jean Harlow. When you're desperate,
always go for Ms. Harlow; you won't be
sorry. That's a tip, kids.

"Penumbras"? "Emanations"? When was the last time Mr. Douthat read Roe v. Wade? Here's a clue for you: the majority opinion was NOT WRITTEN BY WILLIAM DOUGLAS! Justice Blackmun's opinion may not be a real prize winner, but he is clear what right is being protected: an individual's (cough cough) right to have a relationship with that individual's (ahem) doctor, free of state intervention, absent a compelling interest by the state. What's a compelling interest of the state? If my doctor and I decide that I should use heroin, because kicks just keep getting harder to find--too bad for me. But if my doctor and I decide that I should have an abortion in the first trimester of my pregnancy, then you can get the hell out of my face Ross Douthat. In the immortal words of Gene Autry (and my doctor): "Ain't nobody's business but my own."

In a word, I don't know anyone in the pro-choice movement who is in the least bit uncomfortable with the language of rights and liberties. Just ask them.

Let me be blunt (fine--"blunter"): abortion will always be legal in an industrial society with any semblance of a free press. How do I know this? Wait till about a dozen young, skinny white girls (with the emphasis on white, skinny, young, and white) bleed to death after a back ally abortion, and then see how long your abortion ban lasts. Anyone who talks about abortion as a political issue is either a religious partisan or a greasy opportunist (there may also be some overlap in those groups).

Representative Ron Paul. See? It doesn't
only suck to be me...it sucks to be lots of 
people!

So, in these "culture wars," where are all the libertarians, who are always screaming about how the government that governs best governs least? I'll tell you where: in back of the hall, sitting next to the poor socialists. Republican opportunists dust off the libertarians for economic issues, then dump 'em in the ally when they're through--just like the Democrats do with the environmental radicals, labor partisans, and misc. bleeding hearts..............

So for all you libertarians out there, you Ron Paul Revolution cadres--you may start to take heart when you hear the Olympia Snowes of the world start talking about "maximum individual liberty." But you know they're just lying to you; this is still the Republican Party of the people who complain bitterly about "big government"--and in the same breath demand more on the war on drugs, Department of Fatherla...OOPS! Homeland Security, and a bazillion different laws regulating personal behavior.

But to address Mr. Douthat's larger point--when the Democratic Party starts talking about single payer universal health care.....Now, you KNOW they're not lying about that. No, not now....Not to my face....Never! 

Desperately Seeking Sarah

Not the GOP nominee for vice president, but she could play one on TV

America is in love--again. Remember how we loved Vivian Ward, the pretty woman in Pretty Woman? And who could forget Maggie Carpenter, the runaway bride in Runaway Bride? Or Tess Ocean, the twelfth ocean in Ocean's Twelve? But then there's my personal favorite: Erin Brockovich, who was Erin Brockovich in Erin Brockovich.

But none of those women--not Vivian, Maggie, Tess, nor Erin--none of them have touched our collective heart with their honesty, integrity, their sheer 'niceness' like Sarah Palin has. I mean come on! This hockey mom who puts lipstick on a pit bull has embraced us all to her discreet (yet still alluring) bosom. We love her. And why shouldn't we love her? In the immortal words of Billy Crystal: 'It's not how you are--it's how you look. And you look Mahvelous!'

And yet--not to be Captain Alienation--but as charming and groovy as Erin, Tess, Maggie, and Vivian were, those were not real people (Okay, Erin was a real person, but I mean the MOVIE Erin. YOU stop Captain Alienation). It was the person who played Vivian, Maggie, Tess and Erin who hit all her marks, and spoke her lines brilliantly, that was the real person. Who can say for sure if that ACTRESS really is all that? Similarly, in accepting the GOP nomination for Vice President, Sarah Palin read her teleprompter almost flawlessly, and hit all her marks. But is that Sarah the hockey mom cum a heartbeat from the most powerful person on earth that we think she is? How can we know for sure? Just because she looks mahvelous, does that mean she really is mahvelous?

Here's an idea: why not just ask her? Now, I know what you all are thinking: Big Genius, like no one's thought of THAT before. What might surprise you is that apparently, no one at the McCain-Palin campaign has thought of it (start writing those apologies for making fun of me). How many interviews has Governor Palin given, since she was named John McCain's vice president? It rhymes with 'zero.' At all her press conferences, media events, speeches, etc. etc., how many questions has she taken from the legions of press? Hint: It's what a fat boy ought to have for lunch. On September 7, three people are on a battery of news shows getting their grills grilled by miscellaneous news hawks: Senator Obama, Senator McCain, and Senator Bidden. Where's Waldo?

But I'm not the only one thinking along these lines. Since naming Governor Palin as Veep, the McCain campaign is receiving between 80-100 requests a day for interviews from news organizations all over the world. But for some reason, they can't find one they like. There is one publication that will be reporting a brief Q&A, along with a 'lifestyle feature on the Governor's life as a working mother running a statehouse and her own house.' The publication? No, not Foreign Affairs. It's People magazine. Larry Hackett, managing editor of People, was quoted as saying 'we have a different job' than political publications. 'Are we going to ask about Pakistan?' Larry asked rhetorically. To save you the suspense, Larry went on to explain that no, People Magazine would not be asking about Pakistan, because Pakistan is not a focus for their readers. I guess the assembled commentators and reporters forgot to ask Mr. Hackett which country armed with nuclear weapons whose government just collapsed and could erupt in civil war had the 'focus' of People magazine readers.

Now, I KNOW Governor Palin isn't going to Washington to win the good opinion of all those commentators and reporters. Unfortunately, Governor Palin won't take my calls, forget about answering a couple of questions. Believe you me, I got a few. So, like it or not, both me and Governor Palin have to depend on all those reporters and commentators--regardless of opinions good, bad or otherwise--as matchmakers.

So------Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make me a match! If and when La Belle Sarah deigns to have a tete-a-tete, here's my shopping list--better known as 'Everything You Want to Know About Governor Palin, and Shouldn't Be Afraid to Ask:

1. During the GOP convention, you said that you told congress 'thanks, but no thanks' on building the bridge from Ketchikan to Gravina Island, the so-called 'Bridge to Nowhere,' and that if Alaskans want to build a bridge, you'll build it yourselves. Did you send that $220 million in federal funds back to the treasury? Or did you spend it on some other public works project in Alaska?

2. In both your speeches and Senator McCain's speeches, congressional earmarks were singled out for particular scorn. Don't you think it's somewhat unusual for the Governor of Alaska, the state that receives over twice the per capita national average in earmark funds to be speaking out against the system?

3. Alaska Senator Ted Stevens expressly fought the criticism of Senator McCain to secure funding for the 'Bridge to Nowhere.' Senator Stevens is up for reelection this year. Will you endorse his reelection? Are you aware the web site for his campaign features a photo of you standing next to him, implying that you do support him?

4. Senator Stevens is currently under a seven count federal indictment, facing trial over a 'remodel' that nearly doubled the size of the Stevens' family home. Are you endorsing Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich, the Democrat running against Senator Stevens? If you don't endorse Mayor Begich, how do you reconcile your support of Senator Stevens with you being a 'reformer'?

5. Your campaign continues to bill you as a 'hockey mom,' and that you solidly support 'family values.' Because your family is a strong basis of your appeal to America, why do you think it's improper to ask about your seventeen year old daughter being five months pregnant, or why your son spent his high school senior year not in Wasilla, but in Michigan--ostensively to play hockey in front of 'college scouts'? Why isn't your son going to college?

6. When Alaska Representative Don Young comes up for reelection, will you endorse him?

7. You and Senator McCain are running on a campaign to 'change' Washington. Do you think it's unusual that you are endorsed by President Bush, the sitting President for the last eight years? Would you ever consider rejecting his endorsement?

8. You are critical about high federal spending, specifically attacking the $3 million allocated for study of grizzly bears. How do you feel about the $12 to $15 billion a month being spent for the war in Iraq? Since the March 2003 invasion, over $550 billion has been spent on the war. Mr. Joseph E. Stiglitz, the Nobel Prize winning economist, has conservatively estimated the Iraq war will cost over three trillion dollars. As a reformer, what dollar amount is the point when you would decide that enough is enough, and stop that level of spending?

9. You are on record as opposing abortion, even in cases of rape and incest, only allowing abortion if the life of the mother was threatened. In a McCain-Palin administration, would you appoint federal judges who disagreed with your view? Will abortion be a litmus test for any potential Supreme Court appointees?

10. Studies have shown that schools with 'abstinence only' sex education programs have a higher pregnancy rate than programs that include contraception. Wouldn't you agree that abstinence only education is not sufficient to reduce teen pregnancy (cough cough)? Would you block federal funds to health care agencies, either here in the US or internationally, that gave family planning counseling?

11. What is your plan for rebuilding New Orleans, and replacing the lost wetlands that formed a natural break for hurricanes?

12. Do you think our balance of trade payments with China is a problem? If it is a problem, how do you propose to address it?

13. Regarding health insurance, Senator McCain has presented what he calls a market based solution to address the problems of the uninsured. However, many people do not have health insurance, because no company will insure them at any price. Do you have a plan to address that?

14. President Bush wants to build 'anti-missile' missile batteries in Poland, and elsewhere in Eastern Europe to protect against 'rogue states.' Do you endorse that program? Do you believe those missiles will work ie stopping a bullet with a bullet? Who are the rogue nations that you believe have developed ballistic missiles to the point justifying such a system?

15. President Bush unilaterally abrogated the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. Do you agree with his action?

16. I know People meant to ask you this, but what is your opinion about Pakistan? What can be done to stabilize that democracy?

17. Of the 774 'worst of the worst' that were imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, over half have either been released, or are awaiting release because they are innocent. To date, two have been convicted, and only of relatively minor charges. Will you close that prison camp?

Oh, you get the idea.....I really could go on forever. And I will---if anyone asks me to....waiting.....waiting...still waiting...It's not too late......

But here's my last question:

Governor Palin, are you ever going to do anything with those glasses? They really bug me.