Later, some other tall (or tallish) skinny woman with a big smile was crowned, and Bert Parks sang.
Ms. Prejean then hit the cable television circuit, insisting she lost the contest, because she affirmed her “Christian” views. Then, someone named Keith Lewis told Fox News “As co-director of the Miss (sic) California USA, I am personally saddened and hurt that Miss (sic) California believes marriage rights belong only to a man and a woman. I believe all religions should be able to ordain (sic) what unions they see fit. I do not believe our government should be able to discriminate against anyone and religious beliefs have no politics (sic) in the Miss (sic) California family.”
But then, a few photos of Ms. Prejean WEARING NO PANTS (but wearing underwear of a style that while my grandmother would probably not choose to grace her grandmotherly rear end with, she certainly would not disapprove of anyone else wearing said underwear) surface all over the internet. All the usual suspects leap up to say how they are shocked SHOCKED to discover that a young woman aspiring to be a model would pose for pictures with no pants on.
I guess not. The very next day, Ms. Shanna Moakler resigned her position with Miss (sic) California: “I can not (sic) with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss (sic) Universe organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. . . I want to be a role model for young woman (sic) with high hopes of pageantry, but now feel it (sic) more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down, but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.”
My head is spinning! A story filled with sex and drugs and rock & roll, just like we loved back in the day. And just like back in the day, the story has no rock & roll, drugs, or sex whatsoever. But what DOES it have? Everything else, that’s what!
1) What about FREEDOM OF SPEECH, huh?
Hello. My name is Bill, and I’m on a mission from god and John Marshall.
Your right to free speech is protected by the first amendment of the federal constitution (against attack by the federal government) and the fourteenth amendment (against attack by your state government). You may have additional protections from your state constitution. For example, while “obscene speech” is not protected under the federal constitution, obscenity IS protected speech under the Oregon state constitution (or as we say here: “Fuckin’ a!”).
For there to be a violation of your right to freedom of speech, some governmental authority—or state action--must come into play. For example, all those guys who demanded my lunch money, and threatened to beat me up if I told: there was no state action, so no violation of free speech. On the other hand, the public university professor who wrote me a letter, telling me if I came back to class again, he’d have me physically removed by campus security: that was a state action, and a violation of my civil rights.
2) So what you’re saying is that everyone has freedom speech, except Christians?
This is by far the most common defense of Ms. Prejean that I have seen—a classic for two reasons. First, it demonstrates Christians’ almost complete inability to listen, and their almost pathological determination to preface every comment with “All I know is . . .” as in “All I know is, everyone gets freedom of speech except Christians!”
Second, this response also shows that self-identified Christians know nothing whatsoever about the teachings ascribed to Jesus of Nazareth. Nothing, as in “not a damn thing.” Worshipers of Baal know the Gospels better than those who claim the King James Bible is the literal word of god. What do the Gospels (Synoptic, Gnostic and otherwise) say about same-sex marriage? Hint: it’s what a fat boy ought to have for lunch. Where does “god” say god hates fags (to coin a phrase)? Right next to the section where god says he hates shellfish. As The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart said after Maine Governor John Baldacci signed legislation recognizing same sex marriage in that state: “Now Maine’s annual Lobster Festival is that state’s SECOND biggest violation of Leviticus. . . . It’s true. God hates gay people—and scallops.”
3) What IS it with you and Angie Harmon?
I do not like Angie Harmon. It all started when the Jill Hennessy character died on the American television program, Law & Order. I KNOW Jill played an assistant district attorney—but I couldn’t help it: that Jill Hennessy just got to me. Then Angie Harmon steps in, and played the lying, corner cutting, aggressive, ambitious, conservative assistant DA. I hate those jerks. But what really split the proverbial sheets between me and Angie was that Law & Order episode, where the show started investigating the old murder of a “student radical” who was part of a television version of Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), and maybe Weather Underground. The murdered “student” turned out to be an undercover policeman, who was part of an illegal surveillance program, targeting political dissidents. The television show showed Sam Waterson’s struggle to uncover the extent (surprisingly and accurately) of the illegal operation. At one point, Angie Harmon tracks down and interviews some of the former undercover police. One of those policemen tells Angie how he managed to work his way into the highest levels of some secret, terrorist wannabe group. The next year, he was shocked to see virtually the entire “terrorist cell”—and all of the most outspoken radicals—in his class at the police academy. Angie doesn’t get the point: there was no terrorist cell, just undercover policemen spying on each other, not knowing that everyone else was also policemens (sic).
I completely agree with you, Angie: You don’t know anything.
Today, the Divine Ms. Harmon is a self-identified card carrying member of the Grand Ol’ Party, and frequent denouncer of the Unrepresentative Eastern Liberal Media Establishment (the UELME)—no, not that one. I mean the Anti-god, Anti-Jesus Democratic Hollywood, Where All Good Republicans are Gagged and Blacklisted (the AGAJDHWAGRGB).
In response to Ms. Harmon’s above spirited defense of all things Prejean, I posted the following on Yahoo!’s OMG! site:
“Next on FOX News: “Actress” (as opposed to “Intellectual” or “Informed Person” or “Not a Moron”) Angie Harmon Defends Klan’s Views Against Inter-racial Marriage: “They’re just standing up for what they believe in!” Additionally, Harmon opposes anti-miscegenation laws: “I wouldn’t even be here today, if first cousins couldn’t marry!” Harmon also insists she was not born a bigot or an embarrassment to the genus primate: “I worked hard to be what I am today!”
4) But what about the pictures of Miss (sic) California wearing NO PANTS?
Surprisingly, lots of attractive young women have their picture taken sans pants avec underwear. Have you seen those pictures of Ms. Prejean? They’re not even lewd enough to be Christian porn (cf “Christian” romantic fiction). What is more troubling is that no one connected to these “pageants” even sees the hypocrisy in getting their panties (no pun intended) in a double wad over photographic depictions that ostensively objectify women in a bad way—and the idea that a “beauty pageant” is somehow different…..
5) But what about Ms. Moakler? Will her resignation let down her young supporters, and keep them from fulfilling their dreams?
Screw that. What about fulfilling the dreams of Ms. Moakler’s OLD supporters, and not letting those old supporters down? Forget it, Jack: Ms. Moakler’s got a ream of restraining orders in one hand, a handgun in the other, and she’s equally good with both. You best go back to Jiminy Cricket, and find yo’ self a new star to wish upon.
Which is another wrinkle that makes this story so interesting. While Ms. Moakler’s “young supporters” know her as a leading lioness with the Miss (sic) California crowd, her old supporters wear raincoats and know her as Miss (sic) December 2001—when Ms. Moakler was photographed conspicuously not wearing pants, FYI.
Now, how can an organization on the one hand get excited about young women having their picture taken with no pants on, but at the same time have a co-executive director famous for pantless photography? And nobody (but me) notices this?
6) But why don't you tell us what you REALLY think?
People say this to me all the time, like it's supposed to be funny. The implication is that I have no self control, and just blurt out whatever I happen to be thinking at the moment. That would hurt my feelings—except for the fact that I DO have lots of self control, and very carefully edit everything I write. Which goes to show what I really think is just plain whack.
A) Donald “The Don” Trump is a hypocrite, an economic war criminal, and an all around despicable human being. This has nothing to do with the controversy, but one should never miss an opportunity to point out just how awful of a person he really is.
B) Ms. Prejean should be fired as Miss (sic) California, but not because she is an ignorant bigot. She should be fired because she is both an ignorant bigot AND unable to hide it.
If Ms. Prejean intends to have a career in the public eye, she needs to learn from all the other closet bigots: be a hypocrite. You can say “we live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite (sic),” as Ms. Prejean said, and only sound like an idiot. But you cannot remove all doubts as to your idiocy by saying the benefits of marriage should be extended only to “a man and a woman.” Go back to Ms. Prejean’s statement, and imagine the question was about inter-racial marriage. What if Ms. Prejean was raised to believe that—no offense to anyone out there—white people should only marry other white people?
I would argue a disturbingly large percentage white Americans feel that way…but they know better than to say it out loud.
D) I’ll believe that “religious beliefs have no politics (sic) in the Miss (sic) California family” the day a Miss (sic) California aspirant not only has her picture taken with no pants on, but is also non-judgmental in regards to bestiality and cannibalism--and no one at the Pageant cares.
E) I am more than a little disappointed that no one in this whole episode feels obligated to use good grammar.
F) I am sick and twisted green jealous at Mr. Perez Hilton’s seemingly effortless ability to cause such trouble. I really hate that.
7) A certain niece who will go nameless but lives in San Diego California USA ventures to ask “Wow. This is a lot of effort you’re putting in, all about a topic that has nothing to do with Sarah Palin. What is up with that?”
FINE. A Sarah Palin flack sent out a press release, defending Ms. Prejean from what Governor Palin called “the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks (sic):”
Okay. I made up that last part. But see also, supra, re bad grammar. This was a press release, for goodness sakes.
8) Do you really read OMG!?
Oh, and like you don’t.